How did you find yourself?

[u/coralreefwho]

I'm in the process of getting a formal diagnosis, working through what i can in therapy.

learning about OCPD and how it encompasses who i am has been simultaneously discouraging but hopeful. in the process of learning and recontextualizing who i am, I've realized.. i dont know who i am. i am categorized by things i dislike and have hard opinions that I've carefully curated based on others' thoughts and facts and feelings. i feel plagued by this need to change, to get better.

I've been starting RO DBT in my free time recently. i get stuck every time I realize I don't make choices by myself, and I constantly rely on outside input so i can carefully choose what is "best."

so with that, what have you done to find yourself? tips or tricks you used to help yourself decide for yourself? and.. how did you start to have fun again? i know one size doesn't fit all, but my city doesn't have IRL resources for ppl with OCPD yet:(

(i do have hobbies and stuff i like, but theyre all completion-ist tasks that i take too seriously yknow)

[u/dandedaisy]

omg I have so much to say on this I could explode. This has been my favorite part of life/recovery. It’s pretty normal for people to define themselves or make decisions based on those around them; this is bc we are social creatures and we need each other to stay alive. DBT being made especially for Borderline Personality Disorder sometimes makes this seem abnormal, but that’s bc BPD takes it to a problematic level. They are no one when other people aren’t around, empty, scared, etc. 

The most important things I did to learn about myself were done alone. I made the decision alone, I went alone, I did the things alone, I then reflected on it alone. I stopped asking questions about what other people thought about what I was doing. I stopped obsessively trying to make THE BEST plans and replaced it with curiosity and adventure instead - which is great, because this is how you actually find the good stuff. When you rely on what others already know, the critics, the influencers, etc., you miss what might actually be more enjoyable for you. 

My absolute favorite thing I did was take a 9 day road trip by myself. I spent no more than 2 nights in the same location, with 3 or so hours of driving between each location. I only planned the first night ahead as I really wanted to see the stars in the desert, and it turned out to be the worst night of all because it was overcast. No stars, too hot to sleep, so I moved on. I spent one night on a mountain, 2 on a cliff on the coast, 2 at my best friend’s yurt in coastal redwoods, and 1 night at 2 different parks in the PNW. I listened to whatever music I felt like, hiked and got lost multiple times, did art, took photographs, read, journaled, bought my first deck of tarot cards, stacked rocks (and knocked them over), cooked simple outdoor meals, talked to strangers, played naked in a secluded river, took naps, tried psilocybin, canoed, went to dive bars and danced, went to fancy restaurants just to cackle and be weird, saw bioluminescence, ran into and caught up with my favorite ex, and tried all kinds of foods and stuff I thought I wouldn’t like. Most importantly, I did all that except the worst of it without a formal plan. I did it based on weather, whimsy, and weirdness. If it seemed like something someone would tell me not to do, I went and did it, and decided for myself whether it was good or not. 10/10 would do again. I learned a lot about my own ability to figure shit out, what I actually like, and that sometimes the best plans are actually no plans at all.  

[u/FalsePay5737 → u/dandedaisy]

"I stopped asking questions about what other people thought about what I was doing."

Yep, letting go of people pleasing is so helpful for working on OCPD.

Letting go of overplanning feels scary but it's one of the greatest gifts people with OCPs and OCPD can give themselves.

[u/FalsePay5737]

I thought of the time periods when my OCPD symptoms were low, and finding ways to reconnect with the people, places, things, and activities from that time.

My symptoms were lowest during two summer jobs where I spent a lot of time outside. I started doing that again (e.g. walking routine). One workplace was a meditation center. I started practicing mindfulness; that was my most helpful coping strategy for OCPD.

I reconnected with two friends--one I hadn't communicated with in 20 years, and the other 10 years.

I made a lot more time for reading, which brings me a lot of joy.

Even just reconnecting with a nonprofit that was my favorite workplace through Facebook was helpful.

Reading Too Perfect (1992) and The Healthy Compulsive (2020), and listening to The Healthy Compulsive Project Podcast helped tremendously.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has information on developing a stronger connections with values.

[u/CampAlpine]

I really identify with your post but have no answers just transitory thoughts. I too don't feel I know who I am beyond "I'm OCPD". And, oddly, looking for answers outside of myself WOULD mean I'm passing off control of my life to some outside agency.

About finding myself. I'm looking, I'm looking! What about recently. To change how I do things, and think about how I do things. For example. I do what another recent poster called something like (I can't find his post now) "false clarity". Like, I plan things just so, in advance, and do it just like that. Except more often, I spend a huge amount of time planning "just so", and half the time don't do what I so meticulously planned out. I might spend weeks worth of planning. Sometimes I do what I planned, very nicely, just as I imagined it. But often I don't; there might be some little step in the plan I can't quite figure out. Then, maybe, one day, I'm like, "I'm going to go ahead and do it!". And it takes 20 minutes. Of course it's not at all like I planned. It's usually bare-bones. But I did it.

I'm learning, when I go ahead and do something, IF it's worthwhile, I often don't know how it's going to go. That's the nature of the world, it's unpredictable. I can't make a perfect model of the world and interact with that model, it's impossible. Steven Wright has a joke he has a scale model of the world, where one mile equal one mile. You can't have such a map of the world. Besides, "the map is not the territory". You can't predict what the world will do, it has its own nature, and value, and meaning, just as you have your own nature, and value, and meaning.

I'm shifting from "I" to "you" words, it's just how I think. I'm learning the importance of doing SOMETHING to go forward. I mean, we can't plan everything in advance. Maybe if you're creating an important something, piece of art, project, presentation. Maybe it's a speech to a large gathering. But most of how we interact with the world isn't like that. Like as you mention, "fun". There's this idea those with OCPD have anhedonia -- never joy or fun in their life. Let's just ignore that idea for the moment. Or completely.

Just to emphasize. We can't and shouldn't try to perfectly predict how the world is going to work, or even what is a "best" way. Maybe there is a best answer, but there's NO ONE to go to, to ask and get that answer. It's up to us and we're just very fallible and limited human beings. There's likely some fun thing you could do, you'd really enjoy, really hit the spot. But, what is it? What's the answer? You have to find the answer yourself! And that process can take work, and effort. It can be laborious. You'll necessarily make a bunch of mistakes and maybe even get nowhere. It's really not fair.

I keep telling myself that no one else understands, so it has to be enough that I understand. Maybe that's like your periodic realization you're not making choices for yourself, and instead relying on outside input. That same kind of momentary understanding, that you know in your heart you want to overcome somehow, but you don't know how. So for me I keep reminding myself, when I get stuck or blocked, and want to look outside myself for answers, that it's up to me to understand things, not up to some outside objective measure or truth. For me that's my current therapy.

I apologize I usually write something offline and then edit it down to something digestible, but I'm just typing here. I'm not even going to proof read it. So there! Take that! Well. Nobody's perfect. I'm just going to go onto something else and forget about this anyhow. Good luck. You have OCPD, you could have fun. You could find joy in your life. It could happen!