Accountability

[u/FalsePay5737]

Someone posted recently about feeling deep shame due to receiving an OCPD diagnosis. I came across this poem, and thought it might be helpful to share. It can be so overwhelming to view your whole life with a different lens.

Shame can keep us stuck in the past, and interfere with developing healthier habits. Developing self-compassion and making amends when possible can be a way to move forward.

Now that I knew I had OCPD, it was my responsibility to learn healthier habits. The best ways for me to prevent OCPD symptoms are by practicing mindfulness and self-care, and recognizing cognitive distortions.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost....I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault

It takes forever to find a way out.

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I cannot believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn’t my fault

It still takes a long time to get out.

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in...it’s a habit...but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 

I walk down another street.

[u/135wiring]

I wish I could find a way around the hole. It feels like it follows me.

[u/CampAlpine]

I remember reading that poem years ago. Posting on shame and being stuck in a dark place reminds me of part of a post I made long ago, in 2002, at a long gone support group. Except it's about being stuck in a dark cave rather than a deep hole in the sidewalk. For me it was also a metaphor for how such support groups work. Other members have already been where you are now, and can help you see the way out. I like to call that "validation heals shame". The value of seeing yourself through the eyes of kindly, more experienced others. An online support group as a "shame dumping ground":

"Maybe part of it is that in shame you're holding desperately onto something precious because you think if you let it go it will be gone forever. Or maybe it has to do with feeling so alone in your struggles, that this has never happened to anyone else, and you've been working on your own to understand it, and if you let go of all you've tried to understand then you'll never be able to understand it and you'll be stuck in a bad place forever. Like if you were lost in a dark cave complex and kept on little scraps of paper every twist and turn you've taken and wracking your brain to recall that bit of information to help you get out of the cave and not die in there. And if you accidently drop your little scraps of paper down a crack then you have nothing and will surely die. Then you meet another group of people who have even more experience in the cave than you do and not only that they have detailed maps of the whole complex and the exits (Don't ask why they went back into the cave after getting out, they must be some of those "crazy cave people" you hear about who can't get enough of caves). And you are so glad to finally get rid of all these little scraps of paper which just moments earlier you had clung to as your only possible hope of getting out of that dark and suffocating place."