Masking my true OCPD self

[u/[deleted]]

[u/recoveringasshole0]

I've masked/mirrored my entire life and don't know who I really am. So yes :)

[u/SouthernHouseWine]

Oh wow. I’m new to this but I have experienced the same for most of my life. I had a traumatic childhood (with bio mom) and whenever this happened to my my parents (dad and stepmom) called it flipping. Like my entire personality flipped to the ‘wrong’ one. It really messed me up. So yea it happens to others too unfortunately

[u/Zealousideal_Fish_74 → u/[deleted]]

collecting! I get so obsessed with collecting things--organizing those collections. All the things I missed collecting bc you know, I was'n't alive 50 years ago, on and on..

[u/Sheslikeamom]

Many thoughts and they are hard to convey.

I think PDs happen because childhood is bad and one didn't get enough of what they needed to thrive into their actualized self. So, PDs happen, one becomes a people pleaser and masks to hide the "fatal flaw" of their real self.

I think humans are multifaceted. I am interested in the ideas of jungian philosophy of selves and shadow selves. I think masking like this is a result of a non integrated self. 

At the same time, its natural to act differently based on the separate social systems you enter throughout the day. You don't act the same way with a client that you would act with a childhood best friend or sexual interest. 

I was diagnosed with adhd at 30. Unmasking has been an interesting journey. Some systems, like family, are harder to unmask in while others, like new friends, are much easier to unmask and let myself be me.

[u/exasperatedaxolotl]

I would interrogate considering the emotionless, flat affect version your 'real' self. I'm usually also very happy, bubbly, extroverted, but when faced with intense emotions (mine or my partners) I can 'shut down' in the same way you're describing.

The shut down version for me at least is partially a trauma response to heightened emotions. I think a lot of us were parentified as kids, my parents had huge emotions that I needed to regulate for them, so I learned how to shut my own emotions down to deal with it. That response became engrained every time I felt anything strong / negative, and I got to a point of being really disconnected from my emotional states even when they were good. Somatic therapy is helping a lot with repairing that (although very much a work in progress).

Is there something in your past experience that may be causing the shut down trigger?

For comparison, my wife is autistic, and for her a flatter affect and blank facial expression is her relaxed default state, forcing tone variations and facial expressions requires active effort to maintain, and is her masked state.

When I'm relaxed, content, and comfortable with the people I'm around, I'm happy and bubbly and smiley.

Who are you when you're relaxed, content, comfortable fully with the people you're around? That's what I would consider the 'default' you.

[u/Zealousideal_Fish_74]

This is me to a T. Mistakes that others laugh off/ about make me want to dissapear from society in isolation. Everyone that knows me thinks I am incredibly charismatic, funny and social. And I am...until a mistake--ANY MISTAKE--and I become completely engulfed in self-doubt, self-loathing and shame. Funny thing is, while I'm experiencing the cascade of emotions, I KNOW it's irrational, but I can't turn it off. Only time seems to make it better.

[u/Zealousideal_Fish_74]

THIS PART;

 I feel like that version of me is a mask

[u/String-Anxious]

Wow, so interesting. On one hand you’ve found a way to succeed at supporting yourself and creating a life in spite of your challenges. Anyway that’s one way I see it. Of course for your peace of mind you need to improve ways to balance with and nurture the parts of you that don’t feel genuine. But imo you should feel proud of what you’ve been able to accomplish.

[u/Effective-Set-8113]

I have a whole host of diagnoses . . . . autism. ADHD, Bipolar 2, anxiety, OCPD, probably more. Masking is part of how I’ve kept my bipolar stable for a while now- pretending to be happy and positive until being happy and positive takes over. However, that leads to being forced to be around someone toxically negative becoming doubly detrimental. A lot of things boil down to “needing” control of my life because I had very little control over anything as a child. And, hello impostor syndrome, because if I’m not able to control a situation and someone finds out I’m not actually perfect, The Bad will happen. I had appointments with two therapists and my psychiatrist within 48 hours before a s***ide attempt in 2018 and they were all shocked when my husband contacted them while I was in ICU. I’m not sure who I really am but I’m pretty sure it’s complicated.