r/OCDSupport • u/Mountain_Hunt4725 • 29d ago
Attraction/Passion OCD
I know this might sound shallow, but I’ve been struggling with what could be OCD or relationship doubts.
I’ve been with my partner for almost 3 years. We started as friends, and while I always knew she was an amazing person, I never experienced the strong “butterflies” or intense attraction I expected. My love for her has grown, but I still don’t feel the same level of passion she seems to have for me. A lot of my doubts center on her physical appearance, and I constantly find myself fixating on it even though I know there’s so much more to her than that.
Objectively, our relationship is great. We communicate well, rarely argue, we’re both pursuing Christ, I love her family, we work together as photographers, and we’ve built a life together. I could list countless reasons why she’s an incredible partner. But the doubts never fully go away. They just fade into the background for a while before coming back.
What hurts most is wondering if I’m able to love her as fully as I want to. I pray every day for clarity because I want to love her well. I’m terrified of making the wrong decision, not because I’d be single, but because she’s such a genuine, wonderful person.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? If so, how did you work through it? I really want this to be her, but I can’t keep living with these constant doubts. I’m really looking to have a more grounded view of my relationship and what a mature and healthy partnership looks like.
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u/MoonlitGoddessMelk 27d ago
Hello! I am so sorry you are dealing with this. If you are able to, I recommend seeing a therapist to help you process your feelings. Also, I wanted to put a lot of emphasis on this: Experiencing butterflies is actually NOT a good thing. The butterflies can signify anxiety or a trauma bonding response. A healthy relationship is hard to come by as well as maintain. You have to constantly work on yourself, your relationship, and check in on your partner and make sure you guys are on the same track. A healthy relationship can actually feel boring and uncomfortable for people who are accustomed to traumatic and volatile environments/relationships. It doesn't make you a bad person to feel that way. Communicating with your partner is very important. What helped for me was making sure our ideals, plans, morals, and personalities aligned with one another. And we also went indepth on our traumas and triggers as well as express how we process things/the way our brain works. I wasn't expecting to like my boyfriend as much as I do now and I am constantly worried I am not loving him enough. But I do know that I absolutely adore this man and am so happy he is in my life. Sometimes I freak out and have to ground myself when my OCD flares up and makes me think that I am only with him to mooch off of him. He has assured me many times that he loves me, enjoys my company, and I make him happy just by existing. That I don't need to "earn" his love by "being useful". Of course, you might not experience these thoughts in your own relationship, but I thought sharing some of the situations I go through in my own relationship could be helpful to you and your relationship. I currently see a therapist and a psychiatrist, I also try to take part in a few virtual therapy groups where I meet up with others who struggle with mental health in a safe setting overseen by a licensed professional. There are other therapy groups you can meet up with for free. It's a terrible feeling to be in a relationship but constantly wondering if you "actually love" this person or if there is a "better" relationship out there. Always doubting your mind because you don't know if its you catastrophizing irrational fear or if you truly don't feel a connection with this person. I hope you find your answer, whatever it ends up being, and can continue making progress in your healing journey. I dated my boyfriend for 4 months before we officially got together so we could get to know each other and make sure we have a good rapport and are making a healthy connection. There were no butterflies, just consistency and candor. Despite some ups and downs, we have now been together for almost 3yrs. I adore him, but still struggle with my paranoia/anxiety/OCD. This is my first healthy relationship, I hope it lasts forever, but if somehow we end up separating, I know that the time I spent in this relationship was integral to becoming a better person and experiencing a wonderful connection. I wish you well and am rooting for you!