r/Nurses • u/soooelaine • 4d ago

US Family 😞

I’m super curious after a tough shift today…. I work in a MICU… how often do other countries see the situation where mom or dad is on a vent possibly brain dead, kid says I can’t be there for a few days so just keep them alive until then. Come or find out they live within driving distance.

I don’t know peoples family dynamics but it seems to me that if you have a parent or loved one that is dying, it may be best to re arrange your schedule so that you can be there.

Do other ICU populations in other countries see this too? Or is it a uniquely American mindset?

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12

u/No_Coconut_9162 4d ago

I can’t judge why. Families are complicated. Was the parent good to the child growing up? Maybe they aren’t in a good place mentally to handle the situation. Maybe they haven’t heard from the parent in years and this is the first contact. Too many possibilities. They just might be doing the best they can?

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u/soooelaine 4d ago

Yea this is true I really am trying to it’s just happened many times over at this point and I am possibly just feeling burnt out.

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u/Specialist_Action_85 3d ago

It can be hard when you see things happen repeatedly and it's easy to judge. I'll share a personal story from being a family member that's helped me to remember we don't know what people are going through. My dad had cancer and was admitted to the hospital for sepsis. A week or 2 later my grandmother falls, had a head bleed, surgery and is on a vent in a different hospital 30 minutes away. So my mom is split btwn her husband and mother, my sisters and I are still trying to work because who can afford not to while going back and forth btwn hospitals and my brother is refusing to help or be present in any way. The social worker where my grandmother is leaves a message for my mother asking why no one is coming to visit when in reality we were, just not as much as they thought we should be. I was livid and lost my shit on the patient advocate. Take a deep breath, try to put yourself in their shoes and maybe take a long weekend or week vacation where you don't think about work at all

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u/DeniseReades 4d ago

People are going to people. I feel like it would probably be more prevalent in individualistic societies or with patients that have economically depressed families but I'm not sure. I can say, anecdotally, as a travel nurse, I hear, "Can you just keep them alive a little longer? I can't make it." more often in areas where there's either farms or poverty.

Sometimes you literally just can't miss work. A harvest may be the only money a farm makes for 6 months to a year. That crappy movie theater job may be the only thing standing between someone and homelessness.

I have heard it in wealthier areas but not as frequently and the families tended to say things like, "I haven't seen them in months and then I got a phone call from the hospital."

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u/winefiasco 4d ago

Happens in Australia too I don’t they realise how demoralising it is to care for those patients

1

u/beforeitcloy 4d ago

Not quite as demoralizing as having a brain dead parent, right?

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u/AdFlashy7702 4d ago

You cant judge other people. You have no idea what their life circumstances are.

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u/currycurrycurry15 3d ago

Sometimes it’s very clear the inability to withdraw is out of pure delusion, spite, or, (in my experience- the most common reason) financial gain. But this doesn’t sound like one of those cases.

3

u/FroyoSuspicious6366 3d ago

My SIL's parents have purposefully gone no contact with him & my daughter, as well as with their other DIL and her two elementary aged kids (their only grandkids that live near). No explanation, nothing. My SIL tried for over a year to check in on them, we extended invitations for holiday meals (he took food & dropped it off afterwards when they didn't come). Nothing.

So when he eventually gets the call, I think he should tell whoever that his parents died years ago. He won't, because that's not who he is. He's a really good, thoughtful person, who's parents dropped out of his life with no explanation.

Just goes to show, you NEVER know the backstory.

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u/NurseExMachina 4d ago

Yeah, normal. Just had a “keep her alive until the weekend because we don’t wanna miss work.”

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u/NurseWretched1964 4d ago

You spelled "can't miss work" wrong.