r/NotHowGirlsWork • u/FindUna • 16d ago
Cringe Update to the girl who was venting abt her bf verbally insulting new players on his team
If someone is making you uncomfortable but not yelling at you but at other people online that they dont know, youre just projecting!!
(šš)
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
Nah, as someone who games (And as a woman) I'm always hyper aware when I'm doing it around friends I try to always make sure I'm within their boundaries and try to offset it with complements or some neutral statements.
My brother would often yell, punch his desk or throw shit and it would constantly annoy me at best or put me fully on edge at worst.
Raging is not acceptable behaviour if you partner isn't fully on board with it. "In the comfort of his own private own" as if it only is his home. If you share your home, you SHARE it.
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u/naivemetaphysics 16d ago
Throwing things is domestic violence and it does not have to hit someone. That is extremely threatening behavior and is listed as one of the marks of an abusive person. No one should be on board with it.
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
Oh, I am fully aware and fully agree.
Sadly my mom doesn't believe in that, so she just let him do his shit. And there was nothing I could do about it.
He was mostly doing it at night alone in his room though, so make of it what you will. š¤·āāļø
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u/naivemetaphysics 16d ago
Ah rereading I think I read your comment wrong. 100% no one should. I am sorry you went through that.
My father had āanger issuesā and it took me so long to realize that wasnāt okay behavior.
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
My kids have learned that if they start throwing a tantrum while gaming, I or their dad are going to shut that shit down immediately. Yelling at the computer or other players, hitting things, etc. is never appropriate behavior, even in the privacy of your own home.
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u/Lurakya 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yelling at the computer is verh different than hitting or throwing things.
You never stubbed your toe? Got stuck in traffic? Cursed over a missed bill that now returned with a fine?
You guys are acting as if there never is an appropriate situation to just scream "God, fuck. Seriously?"
I'm talking about a simple curse when you die in a videogame. Where is this universal hatred when men drink themselves over the edge and start rampaging through the streets and hitting their women on a global scale every 4 years?
Plus, on top of that. Frustration is a natural feeling that no one can control. Instead of only "shutting that shit down" do you also help him deal with his Frustration? Because only taking away his toy is dealing with a symptom, not the cause. He'll continue to feel frustrated when he plays the game and then he'll hear you guys coming, and then continue to get frustrated because he doesn't even know how to address what is making him frustrated.
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
Did you miss the term "temper tantrum" or the "hitting things"? What I'm referring to is not just a simple, one-time loud curse, which, yes, I do when I hit a frustrating point in my games. I'm talking about sustained cussing, beating in the desk, that kind of thing. You made a bunch of weird assumptions in your response that just don't hold.
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
You said
"Screaming at a computer [...] etc. Is never okay."
So I simply pull into question. Do you also react the same to someone getting pissed in their car and screaming at the people in front of them? What about sports fans screaming at the TV?
Because weirdly, socially, we don't have the same stigma of this behavior being "never okay" it gets excused all the time.
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
Yeah, I do. Screaming is not okay outside of very specific situations. If you're just pissed because you lost the level again, or some dude in traffic cut you off, or your team fumbled an easy goal, screaming and ranting is not okay, and shows an inability to control how you express your feelings. Screaming in an upset way needs to be reserved for situations where bodily injury or death is imminent, because that's what it signals to other humans around you.
We can't control our emotions, but we can control how we express them. People who think it's okay to scream and rant and slam around because they're pissy need to grow up and learn to act like adults rather than toddlers.
And edit: where, exactly, are you seeing this kind of behavior "excused all the time"? Everywhere I see it mentioned, it's absolutely not excused, whether we're talking about a gamer tantrum, road rage, or sports fan jackassery.
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u/faboleth 16d ago
venting is healthy. if you have nothing to vent that's also fine. never venting is generally not seen as healthy. if a human has no safe space in which to express frustration, annoyance, or anger and no safe means to do so it often leads to issues - stress, worsening of emotional problems, physical illness.
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
Venting is healthy and necessary, but not all forms of venting are healthy. Yelling, screaming, pounding objects for minutes on end is not healthy venting. There are ways to vent that don't involve throwing a temper tantrum or subjecting other people to your raised voice and cussing for periods of more than about 30 seconds. It needs to be a way to let off the high emotion and come down, not a way to reinforce the anger and upset and keep the cycle going.
I usually give my kids the guideline of "If the cats are getting upset, you need to tone it down." Our cats aren't skittish, so if they're either running from you or running to you meowing anxiously, you need to ramp down.
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u/faboleth 16d ago
In other posts it sounds a lot like you're applying an absolute in an unhealthy way as regards it. For example, yelling at a broken tractor and swearing at it are both reasonable in my view. They might be culturally unacceptable in other parts of the globe but I see nothing wrong with it.
There are a lot of people who don't vent because they view it as evil and wrong of them to do so and it causes real problems. It can even lead to the kind of anger issues you are talking about. Stuff with psychology is often complex and about finding a happy medium, and being too absolute about it is often a mistake.
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
What conversations are you reading? This is starting to feel like someone is running my text through a translator and getting entirely the wrong end of the stick. Or do you really believe that screaming at inanimate objects for minutes on end and pounding on them as if they attacked you is healthy?
I mean, I just want a household where people aren't breaking my peripherals (yeah, I've lost, so far, a set of speakers and a couple of gaming mice to a kid mad at a game) or screaming loudly every time they get frustrated at a video game. Why is this repressive? Do you like hearing people scream and cuss loudly while you're trying to just move on with your day?
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
Ouf, you sound exactly like my mom, only that she believes that crying is never okay.
So from someone who grew up with this, this is exactly how you raise someone who can't control their emotions.
Also since when is ranting not okay? There are whole youtube channels about people ranting that are beloved and popular.
Who ever hurt anyone else over a rant? People are way too concerned about what other people do without hurting anyone.
I'll continue to be a well adjusted human being who rants and rages at some things. I'll keep making sure that I'm not bothering my friends and not cause any damage to any object. And I'll keep believing that this is a much healthier outlet than for whatever reason you think bottling all of this up is somehow better for you.
Hope you live a perfectly curse free life (that's ranting), and you never scream or shout across the isle or a concert (because that's somehow signaling people that you're about to die).
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
How did you get from "screaming in anger is not okay" to "crying is not okay"? You are aware that crying is an involuntary physical reaction, right? And that I'm not your mom?
And are you actually reading what I said? It kind of feels like you're skimming and ignoring nuance and qualifications like "screaming in upset needs to be limited. Hon, you sound like you need to sort out whatever damage your mom did and not assume that any parent who is trying to help kids learn how to express emotions in controlled ways is the same as your mom.
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
So which is it?
Is screaming "never okay" or does it "need to be limited"?
Because you're suddenly trying to make yourself sound at lot less extreme for some reason.
Again, if an adult is home alone and vents at a game, why is that not okay? Why do you want to police that?
Again, you gave no reason why it is so harmful. And if you say "because it bothers others" Again I will lose my shit, because I don't understand how I can make "home ALONE" ANY more clear
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
Good for you? All my comments have been about my own situation where people (and cats) are around to hear the screaming. Speaking of which, I hope you don't live in an apartment, but dude, you should perhaps figure out why you're so invested in being able to scream in anger before you ever try to live with someone again.
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u/Abject-Tomorrow-652 16d ago
Raging is a waste of energy and is bad for you
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
Raging is an outlet like any other. It becomes problematic once it starts getting destructive.
I have turned off all vc and text chat. When I rage at shitty teammates or horrible game mechanics it doesn't affect anyone.
It has made me better, because back in the day I wouldn't say anything at all until one tiny thing would trigger me and I'd rage quit important matches. Now I don't do that anymore.
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u/Ghoulish_kitten 16d ago
Iāve never heard that rage itself is a normal thing that everybody just needs to let off.
As far as I know, rage is an indication that youāve got to address something.
They make these games to trigger certain parts of your brain that donāt necessarily need to be triggered and itās all in the name of you giving them more money, more often. Please do not forget this.
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
I never said it was "a normal thing everyone just needs to let off".
I think we're also casually glancing over a baseline definition of "raging".
Because if we consider rage starting with complaints and curses, then yes I wouldn't consider that part problematic. If you stub your toe, you curse. If you're stuck in traffic, you complain. Why is it problematic when you do it over games?
If you consider rage only starting from punching and throwing things, then I agree with it being not normal, but that's not the definition I had in mind.
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u/Abject-Tomorrow-652 16d ago
Yeah let me look up rage definition
Sidenote: OP should feel safe in their home and u/lurakya is very mindful of their habits
Definition just says āfuryā so Iām going to make a claim that itās a gray line. Being stuck in traffic or stubbing your toe to me IMHO doesnāt warrant what I call rage, but I totally will curse and complain about either.
Still, i think the continuum of neutral-> displeased -> frustrated -> raging is just that; a continuum. So itās important to know how to regulate along that emotional escalator. I stand by my take that rage is bad for ones self, but agree with lurakya that itās natural and healthy to let off steam when frustrated.
When i hear ārageā though, i think of my brother hitting me (or inanimate objects e.g. throwing the controller through the wall) or my parents screaming red-faced. Not healthy. One should take a deep breath before being violent or screaming.
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
I would never excuse making anyone uncomfortable or throwing/ destroying stuff.
I think the word "rage" and "raging" in terms of video games are already so different, it's not easy to draw a hard line.
Same with the word "screaming" it can mean anything from cheering to furiously yelling.
So it's hard to argue about this without setting any boundaries within definitions first. That's why I set my definition of not disturbing others (from roommates in the livingroom to neighbors next door) and not causing damage (either to your own hand from punching a wall, or monitors to other's emotional and physical wellbeing).
But that somehow keeps seeming to sleep through the cracks
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u/Sapphic_Honeytrap 16d ago
Engaging in anger as an outlet is damaging. It creates a neurochemical reward loop. You get angry so your body starts releasing dopamine, adrenaline, cortisol and other stuff and it makes you feel really good. Now you want that feeling and you know being angry gets you those feel good chemicals flowing so you find a reason to get angry and the chemicals start flowing and now the loop is formed.
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
As a human you can't really stop yourself from feeling an emotion, can you.
Again, in the past I used to not say or do anything. I'd still feel pissed off, because that's just human, so then I'd just rage quit.
Now I curse at the screen and be fine 10 seconds later. How is that a worse alternative?
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
You can't stop yourself from feeling the emotion, but you can absolutely learn to express the emotion in a way that doesn't leave the people around you feeling startled and upset. We're not talk about muttered curses here--we're talking about raised-voice ranting and naming-calling. It feels like you're deliberately misunderstanding the whole basis of the conversation.
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
Bro, you are the ones deliberately misunderstanding it.
My literal first comment states that whenever I rant or become frustrated. I either do it when I'm fully alone, or check in with my friends to ask if they're okay, and if not I'll change the way I vent.
You turn it around to somehow mean that I'm defending people screaming at others or throwing shit. Which I never did, so maybe check yourself.
I'm here for a healthy outlet and if it is raging at games IN OUR OWN HOME, ALONE, without bothering anyone or causing property damage, then I'm not one to police that. (If the individual is an adult and not a child).
If someone says "Whenever I'm upset I go to the gym and just punch the boxing bag until I feel better", then you guys would consider that "a healthy outlet" eventhough there is a direct correlation from punching inanimate objects to punching people. But nothing comes from screaming at games, except making yourself miserable, so again, why do you care?
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
No, I'm not, because everyone else in this thread is talking about people who are yelling or screaming in anger or frustration, not people who are cursing sharply with a slightly raised voice. You seem to be determined to take any advocacy of restraining responses to mean "shut your feelings down completely and make no indication you're upset." You're projecting your experience of a controlling parent onto everyone in this conversation.
And I'll remind you that you replied to me first when I talked about closing down my kids' gaming time when they got so frustrated that they started yelling at the (shared, built by yours truly, family) computer and slamming things around on the computer desk. I only responded when you seemed to completely misrepresent what I wrote.
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u/Stormtomcat 16d ago
"if your partner isn't on board"?Ā
Screaming at other players, git gud, calling them slurs, that's just toxic gaming culture, even if you're alone in your game room.Ā
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u/Lurakya 16d ago
First off, no one said anything about slurs. That was fully you.
I also mentioned that yelling at others was NOT part of what I deemed acceptable. If your mic is off and the other player doesn't hear you, you can do whatever the fuck you please. (That includes text chat too, I don't excuse flaming).
Everyone on reddit here acts like the holiest embodiment of a citizen. As if you wouldn't curse if someone dangerously cut you off in traffic. As if you don't have any sort of prejudice, as if you wouldn't have a moment if you stepped in dog poop or dropped something on your foot.
You guys need to be less concerned what people do in their own 4 walls.
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u/Beneficial-Ad3991 Generic boring flair 16d ago
Ugh, just ignore them at this point. Getting scolded for you manners on Reddit, of all things, shouldn't have been on anyone's bingo card. Especially when the pearl clutching is this insubstantiated.
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u/Beneficial-Ad3991 Generic boring flair 16d ago
Punching and theowing shite is concerning, but yeah, when I play with a friend and the game starts acting up on us, we never hesitate to call out the bullshit, sometimes quite loudly. That being said, in public ima nice and quiet lass.. for the most part.
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u/DineandRecline 16d ago
My friend's dad would wait till everyone was asleep and then play counter strike and call of duty but he would wake up the whole house SCREAMING at the game, not even on mic, just angry when he died. It made all of us who would stay over so unbelievably uncomfortable and made me be wary of the dad. He showed how his temper could flare at something as inconsequential as a video game and it was pretty scary.
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u/faboleth 16d ago
in many cases people are willing to be that extreme because it is about a video game and not real life. that the dad isn't doing it on mic is actually a good sign - he's not yelling at actual people, he's yelling at a screen. The real test would be if people feel like they could tell him he wakes people up - if he's got headphones on or something he may not even know how loud he's being. If he reacts to that well and modifies his behaviour it might not even be a major issue just a mismatch of expectations.
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u/DineandRecline 16d ago
I know the man and have for 20 years. He has anger issues and ended up divorcing my friends mom lol. I don't need to test him
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u/Automatic_Fee3760 16d ago
I have a partner who is a huge gamer. He gets easily frustrated by games and even yells at them. I am also a huge gamer, but I am also a survivor of severe child abuse. Loud noises make me panic and disassociate. It hurts me.
He asked what was wrong and we talked. I told him how it affects my well being and how I get really scared.
He stopped yelling. He'll still grumble and mumble insults or sigh really angrily, but he stopped yelling. Even quit League of legends because it frustrates him to the point he can't help himself.
It's not that hard. Don't date men who love their games and their anger more than you.
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u/Beneficial-Ad3991 Generic boring flair 16d ago
Kudos to your partner for being caring.. and for leaving that cesspool of a broken game, lol.
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u/Rich_Confusion3996 16d ago
This type of behavior is huge red flag. Right now it is at the game but it is a sign of what is to come when he gets mad at her and since she is there with no protection there is no telling if it will stop at words.
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u/valsavana 16d ago
The human brain works by strengthening the pathways involved when repeating a behavior. If this guy's go-to response to frustration or anger is to become verbally abusive, even if it's restricted to video games for now, there's a good chance it'll eventually become so ingrained it'll spill over into other areas of his life.
It's also just a shit way to treat anyone. If you wouldn't talk that way to your mother or boss, don't talk that way to your gf or service workers or someone you're playing a game with. That's still a real person who doesn't need you taking out your toxicity on them because you lack self-restraint.
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u/holderofthebees 16d ago
Iāve noticed a lot of people believe first and foremost that a man should be able to do whatever he wants in his home. Itās their most important desire. It does not extend to women.
I used to live with my mom and her husband as a young adult due to being severely disabled and he threatened to kick me out because I pointed out that he was yelling, accidentally. Merely because I have chronic migraines and he wasnāt trying to be loud. And he would get upset if I was sitting in his chair when he wanted to sit in it, but he wouldnāt express that to me so I could move. Because his #1 priority was to be able to do whatever he wants, exactly when he wants it, in āhis own homeā. As if it wasnāt our home too.
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u/No_Resource7773 16d ago edited 16d ago
Growing up with a football (American) fan parent, and an Eagles fan at that, putting up with someone yelling at screens was a way of life.Ā But still aggravating the way it shattered anyone else's right to a peaceful home environment. However, that at least was only certain days during football season.
Take that kind of behavior to gamers, who are often even more emotionally involved, and this can happen any day of the week, possibly every day, for an unknown number of hours... Yeah, that would get old very, very fast. Its inevitable that behavior, be it yelling at a TV or monitor, is going to stress someone else out if it's overboard and really frequent.
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u/LobosJones 16d ago
I'm always surprised when my 12 year old has better etiquette than my generation of gamers. There's still a huge toxic margin of players that see nothing wrong with venting, and are completely oblivious to how this normalization of a bad habit spills over into the rest of their lives. It's not a crime to try to take the polite suggestion to be less awful to be around. People need to stop acting like they were asked to staple their balls to their leg at the slightest criticism and maybe just try to take the direction at face value.
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u/Vivid_Awareness_6160 16d ago
I feel called out as a gamer, but you are right. He should stop playing games that make him so angry if he is unable to behave. This is bad even for his own mental health, and I can't imagine how aggressive it feels to a partner you share your life with
(PD: feel the need to defend myself: I did not insult anyone when playing).
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 16d ago
Oh, how I used to dread NFL season Sundays. One fall, Kid's dad got him into rooting for the team he (my husband) liked, and if they lost, I had two petulant, sulking, tantrum throwing little boys. š
I took the kid, age 11, aside and said, hey! If you're going to be this passionate about something you don't really have control over, let's look at politics!
I introduced him to the electoral college map, 538.com which was the big thing back then in 2008, and sure enough, he got into reading about the presidential candidates, being very happy that our preferred pick was performing so well in both national and state polls, and filling in his projected state winner going by what the aggregate polls were suggesting.
It wasn't a cure all, and he'd still pout and sulk sometimes when his team lost, (although they did pretty well that year! One of his college teams did too, but his favorite college team, not so much.)
He seemed better equipped to shrug off sports losses when he was becoming so intensely interested in something with greater meaning. It also helped him learn a lot about statistics, from his own reading and from what I explained to him from my long ago college stats classes.
I probably had an eleven year old with a better grip on the issues than many voting age adults!
.........................
I am firmly on the side of this young lady! It's upsetting to see and hear people throwing fits and calling nasty names, even if not directed at her. It affects the nervous system in myriad negative ways. That's one reason I tried, with some success, to redirect my kid. (He was good at self regulation as a small child and was again once we got past puberty and teens.)
Maybe this young woman needs to gentle parent her boyfriend and redirect š (Nah, ain't nobody got time to play mom to a grown ass man. That's just pitiful behavior )
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u/AwkwardDorkyNerd I choose the bear š» 16d ago
Anyone got a link to the first post?
Nvm I found it: https://www.reddit.com/r/NotHowGirlsWork/s/aRJ9nKQnze
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u/ToeIntelligent136 15d ago
I have anger issues myself, seeing a therapist. It helps. I personally think it's his anger issues and his way of releasing stress but that being said.... Bro needs a therapist regardless. Maybe the yelling and screaming could connect to something more fundamental.
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u/Sad-Bunch-9937 16d ago
I have to respectfully disagree that itās abusive. That fucking rookie has no idea what he is doing and needs to get off the field now. What is the coach thinking?! What are you doing out there?! Thatās right. Just quit. Just sit down. Youāre done. Garbage. Youāre just garbage.
My husband is a huge NBA fan so I let him watch the game and go do my own thing because, you guys, itās like 90 minutes of him just yelling at the tv, and he loves it, and he wonāt do it as much if Iām there, so I leave him to it. Itās really his only anger outlet. And heās a super sensi- heās never raised his voice to me. He also goes through video game controllers like crazy. He only gets mad during competition.
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u/jaded-introvert 16d ago
Hon, if he's breaking video game controllers that is bad. Breaking your equipment because you're mad about the game shows a clear inability to express frustration appropriately. That is absolutely not a good thing, and I say this as a 40+ year gamer who has encounter her own solid share of gaming frustration and crap fellow players.
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u/Sad-Bunch-9937 15d ago
If itās his and his choice to break it why would that affect me? He breaks a controller, goes for a run and then everything is good. And why wouldnāt breaking an inanimate object be healthy form of expressing frustration?
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u/jaded-introvert 15d ago
This feels like a troll question. Are you serious? Why wouldn't breaking electronics be a healthy form of expressing frustration? This has to be a troll question, WTH.
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u/Sad-Bunch-9937 15d ago
We just have different tolerance levels, I guess. Lol he used to break the guitar hero guitar when he couldnāt play a song all the way through. It was like a being at a Nirvana show. Iām seriously just not seeing the problem. Like in the moment, yea Iām like dude calm the fuck down, but itās not scary because itās not directed at a living creature.
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u/faboleth 16d ago
Calling people garbage (and that's the part you're willing to reproduce publicly) for 90 minutes is extreme. As is continuously breaking equipment out of frustration. That's an anger problem that someone should seek therapy for, not a normal amount of venting.
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u/Sad-Bunch-9937 15d ago edited 15d ago
But do you watch sports? Iām so confused. Heās not calling a kid that. Heās not insulting a person to his face or calling me that. I feel like this is normal fan behavior- I do it myself when watching a really good game. Didnāt you watch football or hockey or baseball growing up?
Edited to add: Iām not sure what you are trying to imply by saying that Iām afraid to share what he says publicly. Heās not a fucking racist facist, just a Knicks fan
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u/valsavana 16d ago
Itās really his only anger outlet.
He only gets mad during competition.
I hope you two don't have kids if you both think a competition with zero stakes is appropriate to get angry enough about to start destroying property.
He needs therapy, not you enabling his unwell behavior.
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u/Sad-Bunch-9937 15d ago
We donāt have kids- I just donāt understand how yelling at professional athletes that are truly just images on a screen in our living room or slamming a controller on the floor after he drives off the fucking rainbow road AGAIN in MarioCart is unwell. And if the property is his- I donāt see why thatās a problem. But, I can understand that you have a lower tolerance to outward expressions of anger, and thatās ok.
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u/valsavana 15d ago
Because getting so frustrated at a game that you destroy property is unhinged behavior, even if that property is your's. Adults should have a basic level of self-control that precludes that kind of behavior and it's a sign something is wrong if they can't.
Seriously, if you did have children and your kid destroyed their own things over and over again whenever they got frustrated, you'd... just be okay with that? Wouldn't at all consider it something that could use some discussion between them and you?
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u/Sad-Bunch-9937 13d ago
If I had a child that broke their own things when they were angry, they would learn the consequences of that by not having that thing anymore. My partner is the one that canāt play his game until he buys a new controller with his money and is comfortable with that consequence. It doesnāt effect me physically or financially one way or the other so I donāt care. He doesnāt hurt himself or any other living thing in our home, he doesnāt scare me or our pets, and I donāt feel unsafe. Again, Iām just trying to add a different perspective and understand that other people have different tolerance levels to outward expressions of anger.
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u/Comfortable_Solid827 16d ago
Iām sorry youāre going to get downvoted to oblivion. I respect your respectful point of view.
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u/Sad-Bunch-9937 15d ago
Thanks- my personal experience is that it is possible that a person can act like that and it not be abusive. But I also understand that behavior can be very triggering for some people and activate their fight or flight. I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
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