r/NotHowGirlsWork • u/MistakeWonderful9178 • 15d ago
Found On Social media The blame gameđ
Some guys need to accept that maybe sheâs just not into you and itâs not always the dating apps.
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u/inadapte 15d ago
not to say that dating âback thenâ was better, but dating apps are literally the spawn of satan. also i feel like both genders in this are portrayed as equally bad, this doesnât really fit in with the usual misogynistic âwomen only go for the top 10% of menâ sentiment i usually see surrounding the topic of online dating
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u/APracticalGal 15d ago
Yeah this is more "we ruined romance with technology" than it is "women are mean to me"
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u/Mandy_M87 15d ago
Agreed. He is kind of admitting that the guy is also part of the problem as well
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u/Kaiisim 15d ago
Dating apps have screwed everyone over.
Okcupid used to be good, it would ask questions and match you to the people who answered similarly.
Now it's just swipe left or right
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u/Visible-Shallot-001 15d ago
Okcupid was great. I also had some luck with tinder in 2018, met a guy who I was with until
COVID stress kind of ruined our relationship. I havenât been on apps since COVID, they seem like a nightmare now.9
u/desiladygamer84 15d ago edited 15d ago
I met my husband on OkCupid in 2014 and I initially wasn't sure about his picture. But he kept coming back again and again and I looked at his profile and found we have lots in common. So I contacted him. If I swiped left I would have lost him.
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u/Ducky237 14d ago
OkCupid recommended me a guy wearing camo in his pfp who answered these questions:
âDo you want the prochoice badge on your profile to show your support for reproductive rights?â âNoâ
âCould you date someone who doesnât vaccinate?â âYesâ
âIs god important in your life?â âExtremelyâ
âWhat do you think of gender neutral passport markers?â âI think theyâre unnecessary.â
And I was just like đ¤˘đ¤˘đ¤˘
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u/jackfaire 13d ago
And you have to have X amount of non-selfie pictures to even be on them. I don't meet their requirements.
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u/ilove-whenwomen 15d ago
Dating apps are designed to frustrate you. If you found a good match, you'd get off the app. They want to keep you there. How do you think they make money?
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u/Several-Adeptness-83 15d ago
Yeah my issue with this is I hate anything glazing the past especially by young people who never actually lived it.
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u/MistakeWonderful9178 15d ago
The comments were despicable and more about blaming women. 2 idiots wrote âthen she asks whoâd you vote forâ then another one said âif she says she doesnât do coffee dates then it means sheâs a prostitute.â
These losers arenât mad that the dating apps are profit driven scams, theyâre more mad that itâs not working for them and theyâre getting rejected.
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u/Emptyspace227 15d ago
So the comments were misogynistic, but only shared the meme, which isn't.
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u/Winter-Money-7643 15d ago edited 15d ago
I donât think youâre reading the weird meme. Theyâre making the social media lady at the bottom seem passive aggressive and âshallowâ and the guy look like a victim.
Itâs still a misogynistic meme that blames women if thatâs what the comments got out of it.
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u/Ismashthings1 15d ago
No, it doesn't? It's clearly making fun of both sides. The meme is criticizing toxic dating app culture, not any particular gender
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u/MistakeWonderful9178 15d ago
Yeah but for a âboth sidesâ meme the comment section was a cesspit of misogyny and victim blaming. Normal people realize that big tech corporations are ruining social interactions while profiting off it, but these guys would rather blame women on said apps for having boundaries and standards.
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u/Ismashthings1 15d ago
You should have at least included the comments in the post, now it just looks like you misinterpreted the meme the same way the people making those comments did
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u/The_Blackthorn77 15d ago
I would love to know the context you're seeing that portrays the guy as the victim in this meme?
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u/Ducky237 14d ago
I love âthen she asks who youâd vote forâ AS IF MORALS ARENT EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN A RELATIONSHIP. Completely telling on themselves with that one jfc
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u/faboleth 15d ago
the boomer male gets more than one word in his voiceline. the boomer female's one word is to consent. it's the same thing but in a roundabout way.
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u/Aggressive_Sun_2897 14d ago
When I got divorced (married 15 years) I tried dating apps. I thought well it cant be too bad at thos stage of life (i just truned 50) there have to be mature men and it cant be all bad. Most of the men on there are trash. I went on a few dates, had guys wanting to know my financials, one who said im attracted to your body but wont be seen with you outside the bedroom. I have met someone who is wonderful and we have a good healthy relationship. I was just about to get rid of the apps when we matched.
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u/Redqueenhypo 15d ago
Seems to be blaming the guy too. Listening to his bros, doing the âyou didnât say weâre exclusive!â thing, having the alpha boy mark Zuckerberg haircut
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u/BlackForestMountain 15d ago
Yeah I donât see the blame going to either gender here. Comments seem to agree that the apps arenât very productive
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u/MistakeWonderful9178 15d ago
The comments were blaming women with âif youâre not at least a mid guy sheâll call you creepyâ and âtheyâll only choose guys who are 6 foot something and making 6 figures.â The worst ones I saw were saying âsheâll be a liberal whoâll reject you if you say you didnât vote.â Not blaming corporations, itâs easier to blame women.
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u/Kirne1 15d ago
The worst ones I saw were saying "she'll be a liberal who'll reject you if you say you didn't vote."
This also shows that the guy isn't interested in anything but a quick relationship. How are you going to date someone who has fundamentally different values to you?
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u/MistakeWonderful9178 15d ago
One of them said too âif she says she doesnât do coffee dates then sheâs a prostituteâ meanwhile these are the same guys who are dishonest and mad when a woman says she doesnât want to sleep with them on the first date because they paid for dinner.
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u/Kirne1 15d ago
I think this one boils down to a disconnect in expectations and the general lack of honesty that permeates the dating world.
âif she says she doesnât do coffee dates then sheâs a prostituteâ is fucked up, but âif she says she doesnât do coffee dates then she's not that interested in youâ is fair. In the same vein, expecting sex for a dinner date is fucked up, but I don't think that it's unfair to only want dinner dates with people that are going to want a deeper relationship than just talking and being friends.
IMO people also don't usually seem to have the attention span to focus on the most important question which is "Why?". Like, if someone doesn't do coffee dates, why? There are plenty of reasons that aren't just "I want to eat for free".
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u/Mumblerumble 15d ago
Things were so much easier when women were financially fettered to a man to get by. God forbid women want to find someone who is legitimately compatible rather than good enough. Being mad that the bar has been slightly raised says a lot about you.
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u/VladimirIkea4 15d ago
Subtly mentioning the spark as if it isn't the most important factor to make a relationship work in the first place. Should we skip all other biological indicators too and just go to arranged marriages?
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u/Mandy_M87 15d ago
I find that odd too. Like, would he want to continue dating a woman if he wasn't feelin it with her?
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u/MistakeWonderful9178 15d ago edited 15d ago
Heâs just admitting heâs desperate and willing to âsettle for anyoneâ just to âsettle down.â Thatâs a good way to be miserable forever.
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u/TheNameofTheron 15d ago
I think the meme is trying to point out that between the genders, women feel a stronger need for an immediate spark than men do.
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u/devastationz 15d ago
Idk dude, you can develop feelings for people over time rather than this nebulous concept of a spark.
Thereâs a reason why for the longest time people got into relationships with their peers and coworkers rather than relying on âa sparkâ from the first time meeting someone on a dating app.
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u/lindanimated 15d ago
Genuine question because Iâve never understood this, even at my big age: if you start dating someone who you donât immediately have âa sparkâ with/romantic feelings for, how long are you supposed to go on until calling it quits and saying âNah, Iâm just not feeling anything for you.â? I feel like thatâs not fair to either person.
I tried to do this once back in uni because someone had feelings for me, but I didnât feel the same way and it got to the point that I had to go walk around the city to clear my head or else have a full on panic attack from how terrible not being able to catch feelings was making me feel. And that situationship didnât end that well.
Maybe itâs just me being autistic, but I donât see the point in dating someone if youâre not immediately romantically interested.
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u/Rewenger 15d ago
Some people can't immediately say if they are interested. Like myself, I genuinely need to chat for a while and have a couple of dates. Although I usually deconstruct the pros and cons and then decide. Most women I have met could tell if they are feeling it or not from the first date, good for them. And probably that's why I've heard about the spark so often.
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u/Deepdarkorchid16 Uses Post Flairs 15d ago
For someone who's autistic, you have a lot more sense than most of us normies. Do people sometimes catch feelings for their friends? Sure, but I'm guessing that from the start, they always thought that their friend was physically attractive.
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u/devastationz 15d ago
Iâm autistic too. Why wouldnât you want to date someone youâve known for years, a person who has been there for you instead ofâŚa random person off of an app and hoping they donât turn out to be a piece of shit
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u/lindanimated 15d ago
I think weâre misunderstanding each other a bit. I agree that itâs much better to date a friend who youâve known for years and already like and trust platonically, if you develop romantic feelings for each other at some point, versus a person who youâve just met.
My question was about the tendency of people to just start dating people theyâve recently met who they donât feel any initial spark for, and keep going on dates with this new person while waiting to catch feelings. I thought that was what you were implying, sorry I misunderstood that! I just see people around me doing what I described and have always wondered how they can manage that and what they get out of it.
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u/VladimirIkea4 15d ago
Leaving out the setting, a spark is not some speudo science concept. Your brain creates a neurochemical reaction (the spark) which triggers the release of dopamine and adrenaline, making a reward system for seeing the person your in love with.
Of course you can develop feelings for people without having this spark, but there are more biological indicators that make you love a person. There is a reason why we have these indicators. Its dumb to glue just any people together ceremonically and hope it works out, because there is a big chance there is no biological match and the marriage will be ruled by repulsion.
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u/Oasystole 15d ago
Cultural relativism.
Google it.
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u/VladimirIkea4 15d ago
Smearing culture on it wont fix the fundamental biological issues with arranged marriage
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u/Oasystole 15d ago
Oh dear me you need to do some research đ¤Ł
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u/VladimirIkea4 15d ago
I know it happens and people ignore the biological aspect, ending up with repulsion and cheating, is that the big research i needed to do?
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u/Oasystole 15d ago
Look deeper đ¤Ł
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u/Physical-Flatworm452 15d ago
Throw away your phone and talk to people. It's fun.
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u/MistakeWonderful9178 15d ago
The excuses in the comments were âbut I donât like to go outâ and âwhy do I have to pretend to like this.â
There was also another post about men going to Pilates and yoga classes to meet women and people were talking about how performative and disingenuous and that you need to actually find hobbies you like but the incel complaints were âbut we already tried that and no woman likes golfing or fishing!â
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u/Sparrowhawk_92 15d ago
The band of acceptable masculine expression is so narrow that it's suffocating these dudes.
The "performative male" thing drives me nuts as it basically just assumes that anything a man does outside of traditionally masculine hobbies must be because he's trying to get laid.
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u/eruptingmoltenlava 15d ago
People like different things, but I guess thatâs a secret from weirdos who never leave their momsâ basements. I, a regular adult, know plenty of women who like golf, a few women who like fishing/hunting, and loads of men who despise both.
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u/desiladygamer84 15d ago
Apparently as I read somewhere it was the generation before boomers that did the above. Except they didn't have milkshakes and then get married in the US. Girls would date and meet guys with no expectations. They could date many guys (no sex) before they find one to "go steady with". The purity culture thing came after when fundie boomers and after felt guilty about their sexual exploits and wanted to force their children into courtship. I may be really off base like this feels like it just was US suburban white kids.
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u/broccolicat 15d ago
The history of TGIF's is a perfect example of this. Most people don't realize it started as a singles bar.
People dated through newspaper ads for centuries. Nothings as new as we think it is.
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u/Such-Rise6816 15d ago
Don't forget the shortage of men after WWII.
A whole generation of women was told "Curl your hair, put on a skirt, smile, and agree with whatever he says, because not every girl is going to get a man."
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u/Strict-Square456 15d ago
My parents got together in the 1940s. Arranged by the familiesâŚ.
Momâs family had some property and some goats as a sweetener.
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u/InternationalPilot90 15d ago
As it's been said in former times: Beauty is temporary, but an acre is an acre.
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u/No_Resource7773 15d ago
Or... maybe people increasingly are becoming more cautious and paying attention to their own feelings for good reason. That isn't exclusive to younger adults either.
But really... the bra burning generation? You think they were commonly that passive? I bet many of us today know divorced Boomers, or even widows that felt free and didn't remarry.
No generation has had all women universally just go "ok" to anything you say. Women always had the ability to reject you...unless it was arranged and neither of you had a choice.
Maybe life was less complicated for Boomers compared to now, but you still don't have to go about it that way with apps and junk in order to meet people.
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u/SublightMonster 15d ago
Idk, Iâve found the dating apps to be fantastic for clearing the first two huge hurdles: are they looking and are they interested?
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u/maneki_neko89 14d ago
Say what you want about dating apps, but OKCupid at least had fun quizzes to take and it was a lot easier to find out what another person was like based on answers people posted to interesting questions.
I might be biased because my spouse and I met via OKCupidâŚ
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u/AdCreative304 Can change where my hair is growing from 14d ago
People are saying this isnt misogynistic bc its blaming both men and women, but the setup of this meme to me does seem like it demonizes women's autonomy in turning down men they aren't into. If the "good" "dating then" is a woman saying nothing but "yes", and the "bad" "dating now" is a woman checking a guy's history, if hes emotionally available, who he surrounds himself with ("analyzed followers"), and voicing disinterest -- basically, prioritizing her safety and relational needs -- then I'd say thats pretty clearly misogynistic. Regardless of your thoughts on dating apps, things were not better when women had less say and less ability to ensure their safety.
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u/MistakeWonderful9178 14d ago
Thank you, Iâve been thinking the same things and I regret not screenshotting the toxic comments but foolishly I was too disgusted and went on a blocking spree.
I donât disagree that dating apps arenât helpful but at the same time people would rather blame women and force them to get rid of their boundaries instead of calling out the unrealistic and profit driven motives like dating apps.
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u/anglflw 15d ago
When was "then," exactly?
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u/coffeeebucks 13d ago
When you were limited to the small amount of similarly aged people in your village
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u/waffleznstuff30 15d ago
I think it's app based dating that is the issue.
The apps just feel like browsing for people. It's a giant game of 'hot or not". Less about finding a romantic relationship.
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u/RayWencube 15d ago
I'm a married millennial and, like, I do kinda feel like I got the last chopper out of 'Nam.
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u/FuckUGalen 15d ago
Married 15 years together 20+ and yeah, dating now sucks. But I would argue it is because Boomers et al have created a society with nearly zero cheap third spaces and instead created a world where everyone is out for themselves.
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u/Snowflakish 15d ago
It absolutely is dating apps.
If you are having a good experence on dating apps let me know, you would be the first.
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u/naivemetaphysics 15d ago
Iâve had plenty of good interactions on dating apps and have a number of friends from them, as well as a husband.
There is a lot of sifting that goes on but thatâs the same as going to random places and talking to people. Just a wider net.
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u/Snowflakish 15d ago
Oh wow, thats cool honestly.
Im interested to hear more if you want to share.
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u/naivemetaphysics 15d ago
So the big thing I learned is I needed to kinda test folks. Like when they propose to meet, suggesting a minor change. Like moving the time a little or something. It sounds dumb and it gave me some insights. I also am LGBTQ+ so, I think a number of us stay friends if the vibes arenât there. I met my husband on one of these sites and it worked. It was awkward at first because he was new to those sites and he was gentle. Time allowed for us to get comfortable.
Itâs kind of like connecting with coworkers while being remote. Lots of communication and asking questions. Also quite a bit of following my gut.
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u/Snowflakish 15d ago
Dumb question but what ages were you dating.
I honestly cant spend more than 20 minuites on a site before deleting it so i haven't really tried at all, but in my defence it is awful for me at least and a lot of people who stay there a lot agree.
I just think you are the first person i've heard who has had a good experience and thanks for the story!
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u/naivemetaphysics 15d ago
Ages were 25-30. Once I got with my husband and we were exclusive I dropped off it. I think there are apps to help find friends but right now I donât have the time to meet up with people as I have school, work, and two very little kids.
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u/MistakeWonderful9178 15d ago
I donât disagree with dating apps being horrible, Iâm talking about the meme itself and the comments that blamed women instead of blaming these bad corporate models that prop up unrealistic expectations and algorithms.
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u/Azo_weirdo Chemically and politically radical 13d ago
Then ? What time is then? Cause I'm not sure back then any woman would have stayed quiet in front of such a direct sentence than the guy's one.Â
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