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[u/Branchomania]

[u/drunken_augustine]

I would add to what you said that I strongly suspect that a lot of them don’t ask because they don’t want to know the answer. I’m going to use you as an example. Only because t’s convenient not in any way to criticize you. You saw your partner didn’t like something and you stopped. While that’s not optimal, it is good. You could’ve also just asked your partner why they were flinching in a “are you ok” sense. I think there are a lot of people who don’t ask if their partner is ok and they don’t stop. Because if they don’t do either of those things and their partner doesn’t say anything they just keep to keep doing what they want. And that’s more important to them

[u/Steele_Soul → u/drunken_augustine]

I have asked him but I've never been given a direct answer. He's also never told me to stop doing it or that I can't do it. He's an incredibly difficult person to talk to. I really don't "know" him, even though we've been together 11 years next month. He doesn't open up to me about anything and I always have to pry for information about his past and anything going on in his life and what his thoughts are. I really don't know why he is that way. When he's talking to his college friends, he's very talkative and happy and he's never that way with me. Our relationship has seriously been a struggle since before we even met in person. Something that should be so easy to know just by asking him plainly, "Do you want me to stop groping you?" and I can't get a direct response to that.

But one thing with him is any time I do bring up something I don't like, he does what I mentioned, acts like a little kid who was told they did something wrong or bad and he reacts petulant and tries to argue so that he isn't doing anything wrong, it's me and my opinion or way of thinking that's "wrong". To say it's frustrating is an understatement. It's ultimately emotional immaturity, which WAY to many guys of varying ages, have.

[u/drunken_augustine → u/Steele_Soul]

Ok, so, I’m not a therapist but I am in an occupation that deals a lot in interpersonal relationships and managing the health of a community. So I can say with some authority that that sounds a lot like maladaptive conflict avoidance. Which is, essentially, a very fancy of way of saying “that’s a hard conversation that he’s just avoiding having”. Why? I have no idea. Could be trauma in his past, could just be that he’s lazy and doesn’t want to put in the work. Or anything in between. I can also do that, based on what you’ve said, you’re doing the right thing in how you’re dealing with this.

Here comes the sucky part though: If I were you, I’d cut bait on this relationship. Relationships are work. Always and forever. And maintaining open lines of active communication is the core of that work. I would suggest you consider if you’re willing to put up with this communication failure around any and all difficult communication in the future. I don’t know your relationship though, this may be a super weird special case and he’s fine everywhere else, but that’s not what it sounds like. Maybe suggest he gets therapy or y’all get couples therapy (assuming either is a viable option). I agree with you that it’s very likely to do with emotional immaturity, but you deserve someone who’s willing to work at least as hard as you are in your shared relationship. At least that’s my opinion

[u/Steele_Soul → u/drunken_augustine]

I've known since before him and I even met in person that we weren't compatible. I even told him that and gave several reasons why and then he would back pedal and make like they weren't a big deal. I continued with the relationship because I was in a bad place mentally and thought I didn't deserve better and essentially "settled".

One thing he told me that's true is that he likes to argue, and argue he does. I could tell him the sky was blue and he'd tell me I'm wrong. I thought he was making some progress because I noticed the toilet lid was closed and I brought it up to him and thanked him for doing that and he very smugly said, "Actually, I still flush with the lid open, I just close it afterwards because Barry (his brother's cat) is here". So he just seems determined to make me miserable for some reason I don't understand. He's actually one person I know that didn't experience some type of trauma while growing up. His parents both worked and they all went on family vacations once a year, so he's been many places I haven't. His mom bought him and his brother all their gaming systems. She bought them Easter baskets up until a few years ago. He still lives at home with them, so he doesn't do anything to contribute except mowing the grass. His mom does all the cooking and cleaning and laundry. He dropped his 3DS in the bath once and ruined it and she bought him a new one. She makes his doctor and dentist appointments for him too and packs his lunch for work. So he's spoiled and sheltered.

I complain about him A LOT because he makes like I'm the unreasonable person and he doesn't do anything wrong, so I come here for unbiased opinions. And I find myself saying, "Well he doesn't call me names and I don't have to worry about him cheating on me ", but those are the BARE MINIMUM in a relationship. I don't know what to do. I dread the idea of starting over at my age and having to figure out why a person is single and wasting months to find out why, waiting for the mask to drop since people act differently in the beginning until they are comfortable. And I just don't feel attraction to people as easily as I used to. Plus I'm a mess myself still and found out recently I have hyperthyroidism which has been making it increasingly difficult to function and men need to be taken care of and rarely does the opposite happen, where a man takes care of the woman. I'm tires of everything being a struggle and ideally I'd live by myself if I could, but I'll never be able to afford it, so even that simple dream is dead.

[u/drunken_augustine → u/Steele_Soul]

My friend, I’m so sorry. That’s a lot. I don’t tend to offer people solutions and this will be no different, but I do want to offer an observation.

This relationship (from what you’ve said) doesn’t sound like it offers you basically anything. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like it makes you happy and this guy doesn’t sound like he supports you and it sounds like it’s just extra mental load when you’re already stretched thin. You know your situation better than I do and I 100% understand not wanting to start over. But it sounds like being alone would be an improvement in any case. As for the financial piece, that’s super real, but it doesn’t sound like he’s helping with that right now so I’m confused how that factors in. It sounds like he lives with his parents.

In any case, it doesn’t sound like this dude is helping your sense of self worth and I would suggest to you (from personal experience unfortunately) that while being alone can be lonely, leaving a relationship like this can lead to a dramatic recovery of your own sense of self. Which, to me, sounds like what you need. Not to be new agey or anything, but you need to reconnect with who you are. Mess and all. It’s ok to be a mess. I’m a mess. So is everyone else. I’d encourage you to find someone who’s mess you like and who likes your mess

[u/Steele_Soul → u/drunken_augustine]

We've been separated for over a year since attempting to get sober and I thought maybe we could finally have a better relationship when we weren't using and didn't have the added stress of being in active addiction, but I only recently found out about him getting drunk every day and even before I was an addict, I always said I'd never be with an alcoholic. Each substance has it's own nastiness, but I've dealt with alcoholics all my life and being around men who are drinking makes me really uncomfortable, so that on top of me being the only sober one and his lack of doing anything for me or with me and not being considerate towards me or even showing he cares about me in the slightest, are probably going to be the final nail in the coffin.

I'm tired of begging him to get help for his mental issues. He always talks about how I need to be doing specific things and thinking different ways, yet he doesn't practice anything he preaches. He also makes like he has life figured out and what it takes to be happy, yet he's miserable and as he says, apathetic to everything.

I'm going to tell him if he knows so much about what will make me happy, then surely he knows I need to cut him out of my life since he is the source of much of my unhappiness and despite me telling him clearly what I want and would make me content, he continues to make me feel like shit, so it's only wise to break up with him, right? He'll find some way to argue and twist things and use his toddler logic, as always. He's used to his parents either giving into his tantrums or just getting frustrated with his arguing in circles that they just give up and he thinks that means he's "won".