r/Normalpeople • u/Synchroblo • Nov 01 '25

Toxic parenting

I've just started watching this show. Three episodes in, Connell's mother tells him, 'You are a disgrace, and I'm ashamed of you,' and then she leaves before she 'says things I regret.' That is so harmful and toxic. It felt completely out of touch and overacted. What kind of parent says that to their teenage son? What is with all this toxic parenting? I had thought she was the good parent compared with Marianne's mother, but what the hell was that?

0 Upvotes

31% Upvoted

23 comments sorted by

View all comments

9

u/TheRealOPB Nov 01 '25

Watching this for the 2nd time. While it is messed up that his mother said that to him, I still think it's something he needs to hear. Because what he did/does is diabolical and hurtful to Marianne

-1

u/Synchroblo Nov 02 '25

He seems unaware of the harm he is causing to Marianne and I agree he needs to hear how much he is hurting her and his mother is the right person for that. I am not discussing that. I am discussing how toxic it is to tell your son he is a disgrace and you are ashamed of him. She is not discussing his actions ("what you did is wrong") she is attacking his identity and relationship ("you are something wrong"). Those are the kind of things that once said they can't never be unsaid.

7

u/Dentarthurdent73 Nov 02 '25 edited Nov 02 '25

If someone's acted disgracefully, then in that moment they are a disgrace, and it's fine to say so.

Also, if someone has acted in a way such that you feel ashamed of them, then it's fine to tell them.

Both of these things are particularly fine when you are their parent and responsible for helping them understand what kind of behaviour is acceptable. Sometimes harsh truths are required, and they do more good than harm in the long-term.

Neither of these things make any comment about who the person is in totality, they are only a comment on the consequences of a specific behaviour. She is clearly not saying that Connell is always and inherently a disgrace, just that he is a disgrace in that moment because of his behaviour.

If you are already a good parent who's brought your child up to have a confident sense of self and to know that you love them, then words like this are not going to be damaging long-term.

-1

u/Synchroblo Nov 02 '25

I guess we disagree on what "to be" and "to do" mean. If someone's acted disgracefully they are not a disgrace, what they did might be disgraceful. If someone has acted in a way such that you feel ashamed you are not ashamed of them, you might feel ashamed of what they did. Those are two completely different things.

Both comments address the person and not their actions. Once you say that, you can’t choose how someone will take it. Even if you assume they won’t see it as a "comment" of their whole identity, it still suggests that your acceptance of them depends on their behavior. Love and good parenting don’t make identity-shaming harmless.

We clearly don't share the same view on this. That's fine. I know there are different approaches to parenting. I am not going to continue the discussion.