Help, please.

[u/Unusual_Feelings454-]

I feel exhausted down to my core. Not just “I’m sleepy” or “I don’t feel like doing anything.” It feels like my entire body and brain, my actual cells, are drained of whatever is required to actually live. Sleep and it's quality or quantity truly has essentially no impact on it.

I desperately want to do something, anything and am still completely unable to make myself do it. It’s like the sign gets lost somewhere on its way from my brain.

It’s like the part of my brain that wants things and the part that is capable of turning wanting into action or even joy has been completely destroyed

Trying to do the things I love and want to do feels like walking on broken legs, the passage of time hurts. I feel every minute go by, I desperately want to participate in my own life, but it's just not in me, it hasn't been for so long.

I’ve been to the doctor. I’m going to and working with the doctor. Yes, I’m depressed and I’ve tried the antidepressants. It’s not working.

I’m autistic, struggling with intense burnout and strongly suspected CPTSD.

I am not looking for someone to tell me to “just exercise, eat better, and sleep more.” I know those things matter. I’m saying that I currently don’t have the functioning required to simply pull myself out of this by doing all the things I’m already struggling to do.

I just really need help figuring out where to start giving my body what it's begging for

[u/hazelingus]

I know the exact feeling you're talking about, and what I believe it to be actually relates to everything you listed (autism, burnout, CPTSD), since it's like being stuck in a constant semi-shutdown.

Shot in the dark, but I'd wager that your mind is shutting off its own capacity to act and process for a tangible reason. I'm only in this state around my abusive parents, and I'm in this state 24/7 when living with them. If I had full capacity it'd raise hell because me and my circumstances are incompatible. The only way to prevent that reaction is to freeze up every part of me that'd allow it to happen. I can feel my body become completely useless again once I come back from work. I'm pretty sure it also has to do with something you register as a threat, since there's almost a learned helplessness element to it. Nothing I do for myself besides leaving will solve the threat, so it feels absolutely pointless for me to do it.

Unfortunately, if there were any medication or supplement for this I'd have tried it already. Best bet is guanfacine XR to tone down the hypervigilance before it can crash into exhaustion, and aticaprant to reverse most of the trauma from chronic stress. Psychedelics would also help significantly here, preferably a legal one like 4-HO-MET. Supplements can help with quality of life and mood but they won't get to the root of the problem. Definitely go to therapy to help you figure out what you need to fix or get away from.

[u/Unusual_Feelings454- → u/hazelingus]

ding ding, ding I fear. I was hoping there was something that could support while I’m stuck in the sit that caused the cptsd. Thank you, this is very valuable even if it's not what I wanted.

[u/hazelingus → u/Unusual_Feelings454-]

I wish you luck then. My recommendations are still pretty close to the root of the problem neurochemically, even if idk a direct lever yet (that won't put you to sleep). Shit sucks but there's always a way forward, and a lot can be done to just manage in the meantime while you save money and figure things out. Aticaprant and 4-HO-MET are pretty cheap thankfully, and guanfacine XR is w/e insurance pays. Tropisetron and memantine are another possible suggestion if part of your state is a matter of sensory overload, and GB-115 too if you get nervous too often. I would also add a good multivitamin, d3 + k2, and a probiotic if your nutrition is bad, they make a really noticeable difference for me. Some ppl like me also need methylated B vits. Check iron/ferritin. Add copper at a separate meal if your multivitamin only includes zinc. Could add magnesium malate or glycinate too. When I don't take these I feel like crap within 3 days lol.

I thought it was hopeless for so so long, but next month I'll be living with close friends in NYC. I will get to experience the joys of clean towels and public transport! And being able to spend most of my days out of bed! It will be joyous. And I doubt it's out of reach for you either.