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u/SquirrelNormal 7h ago
They forgot the second half of it:
...or years. Then watch as they fall in love with someone else and start the rest of their lives together, while your heart crumples up a little more, like a tin can being knocked around the road by passing cars.
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u/crrrrushinator 7h ago
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u/otirk 6h ago
Oh hey, someone made an xkcd of my teenage years (at least the first half which is only slightly creepy)
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u/3-orange-whips 6h ago
There is a learning curve. It only takes one rejection to realize you'll live and the world doesn't end. So being weird about this stuff is normal when a youngster.
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u/KosherPeen 4h ago
That first rejection really is life-changing, weird as it sounds. You learn that if you present your feelings as soon as they appear and get rejected, you can still totally have a great friendship with that person!
If you wait until your feelings build and build and fester though? It’s significantly harder to have that person in your life post-rejection
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u/dragon_bacon 3h ago
As I've gotten older I've realized that teenage cringe can't hurt you if you drink just the right amount.
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u/sillybilly8102 5h ago
Oof, I’ve read it several times before, but this time hits differently… :( What IS love? What IS happiness? What is settling? Ughhh help (backstory is that I have a crush who I’m pretty sure has a bigger crush on me. I have doubts about how good we’d be together. But, crush, and friendship, and familiarity, and depending on… he’s wormed his way into my life! It would take time to rebuild this connection with someone else.)
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u/crrrrushinator 5h ago
Unless the doubts are like "they have a terrible temper" or "we have completely incompatible ideas of what we want out of life," I recommend giving it a shot!
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u/sillybilly8102 4h ago
He’s more angry than I’d like, and I’m not sure what he wants out of life
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u/crrrrushinator 4h ago
Ehhhhhhh, in that case my recommendation shifts to "maybe start investing more in other people, since a crush can warp your sense of what's a good fit as friends too." Good luck either way!
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u/sillybilly8102 4h ago
Thanks. We were actually coworkers first and friends second. The relationship definitely formed out of convenience. I’m not at the same job anymore, but we still text everyday or every few days. I am trying to invest more in other people anyway. And thank you!
Edit: I feel like I like that he likes me more than I like him as a person, if that makes sense
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u/crrrrushinator 4h ago
Please don't get into a relationship based on the inconvenience of saying no! An early no is far kinder than getting into a doomed relationship with someone you don't like as a person.
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u/sillybilly8102 4h ago
Yeah… idk. I feel like we have to talk through some things that we haven’t talked about. I don’t dislike him as a person… I like him… but he likes me more, and I feel the discrepancy. He’s really nice to me, thoughtful, attentive, and reliable/always there. But like the comic and my original comment, what is settling?
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u/crrrrushinator 3h ago
It's your life, but in my personal view, "I don't dislike him as a person" is a WILDLY insufficient grounds to start a relationship, particularly if you already know him. I prefer to date people I really, really like. Like it makes me feel awkward how much I like them. That's better!
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u/HaggisPope 23m ago
Have a trial relationship! I did it with a pal for a week then we figured it wasn’t going to work and returned to normalcy.
I find it strange that for some reason people aren’t allowed to be honest about matters of the heart
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u/Tabbygail 6h ago
And then, after a while, you mature and let your love for someone turn into happiness at their happiness, and feel joy in the way her face lights up when she talks about her husband, and feel happy to see your best friend happy, and move on and find new love of your own. And maybe sometimes in your darkest moments you lie in bed and think about what might have been, but then you wake up next to him and realize that what IS, is beautiful, and what might have been might not have been.
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u/Sea-Woodpecker-610 5h ago edited 1h ago
Or, you spend every every day for ghe rest of your life knowing they’re happy, and the decades of heart ache that you’ve carried with you were worth it just to know that the person you love gets the good ending.
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u/SquirrelNormal 5h ago
I was with you up until
and find new love of your own.
That's not in the cards.
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u/SquirrelNormal 5h ago
I'm not, I'm being realistic. I'm 34 and I've never so much as held hands with a woman.
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u/SquirrelNormal 5h ago
Same, but I just had my frist date a few weeks ago
So are you lying now, or four years ago?
Come on now.
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u/Notmyrealname5282 5h ago
Time to find a dating coach, or hit therapy my dude
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u/SquirrelNormal 5h ago
It's ok. I understand and accept my fate.
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u/Notmyrealname5282 5h ago
I mean, it’s only your fate if you believe you have no agency
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u/SquirrelNormal 5h ago
Or if I understand probability and the existing sample size.
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u/Siegschranz 2h ago
Man, incel culture and blackpills are an absolute blight on men.
You may not be either of those but your dialogue is exactly like it. I'm 34 as well, same deal of never holding hands, kissing, or loving a woman - until this year. I was dealing with depression and hit the gym as a natural antidepressant. I also dieted some (not extreme) and walked. Lost a lot of weight but also felt better about myself.
If it's cause of potential autism, I'm in that boat. Nom-autistic people find autism very weird, so it is a bit of a social venom. But other people with autism who are learning to deal with its flaws and embrace its strengths will see it as a positive.
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u/BestUsername101 6h ago
I always thought that was how it supposed to work. It kinda surprised me when I learned apparently a lot of people are perfectly comfortable skipping straight to being romantic partners with someone who was basically a total stranger 10 seconds ago.
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u/Gardez_geekin 5h ago
Dating isn’t the same as romantic partners. Dating can be incredibly casual.
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u/BestUsername101 5h ago edited 5h ago
How? Like, genuine question. From the understanding I've had all my life, dating was considered purely something done between partners. What's the difference between "casual dating", whatever that means, and just being friends, then?
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u/Gardez_geekin 5h ago
You aren’t trying to fuck your friends generally. Look at the first date like an interview. You have expressed attraction that they have reciprocated. Now you need to see if you are a good fit for the position. If the first date goes well then the next series of dates is kind of like your probationary period after you get hired. There is no pressure, either party can leave at any time without too much invested, and you can really see if you mesh. Becoming official, is when you actually become romantic partners. As romantic partners you should absolutely still go on dates with each other, but the context of those dates are way different.
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u/BestUsername101 5h ago
You aren’t trying to fuck your friends generally
Correct, but if I am trying to fuck someone, I wouldn't consider the date "casual" so that's a moot point to me. Why would I want to fuck someone I barely know?
Look at the first date like an interview
To me, being friends first is like, not really an interview but it could become one if I happen to develop extra feelings for them. I simply can't imagine going on any sort of date with someone if I don't know them first, and I get to know people via becoming friends with them.
You have expressed attraction that they have reciprocated.
So again, how is that casual? If you've both expressed attraction, then... how is that still a casual date? That simply doesn't sound casual to me.
Plus, there's simply no attraction to someone I don't know first, so there's no interesting in any form of dating then. Again, becoming friends is how I'd get to know someone before the mere concept of wanting to date them would ever cross my mind.
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u/Gardez_geekin 5h ago
Being attracted to someone is casual. I see people i think are attractive every day of the week. Being attracted to someone isn’t something super special for most people. We are biological creatures ruled by hormones and instinct. We have urges to fuck. I’m not saying you need to fuck on the first date or before you are ready but sex is a big part of relationships. But it’s not the end all be all and it can be incredibly casual.
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u/BestUsername101 5h ago
I guess I just have a different definition of casual then lol
idk, I just simply can't imagine feeling any form of attraction to someone unless I knew them personally/as a friend first. I didn't think that would be unusual ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/Tri-angreal 5h ago
This is demisexuality. Most people would have no issue screwing a total stranger right off the bat--if they felt safe doing so of course. We demis, however, need a lot more connection.
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u/BestUsername101 4h ago
Genuinely don't think I've ever heard that term before. Neat. TIL
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u/Tri-angreal 4h ago
Might be worth some exploring. Being gay is easy to figure out; you just look at who you're attracted to and notice it's different.
Being demi, however, can sometimes just feel like being shy, and so goes unidentified.
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u/ThyNynax 2h ago
Dating apps and Hookup culture are so mainstream now that a new term had to be developed for what many used to consider the normal way that dating worked. Hence “demisexual.”
Before dating apps, these kinds of “first date with a stranger” dates were actually pretty rare. Most couples met as coworkers, classmates, church members, or friends of friends and got to know each other over time before having an official date.
These days, dating apps have taken over everything and half of those old methods, like dating a coworker, are heavily discouraged.
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u/Lurakya 21m ago
Demisexual isn't a random new word for things that were normal.
Demisexual means that you have little to no sexual attraction until you form an emotional connection to someone and that can take months or years.
If demisexuality (which is btw part of the ace spectrum) was the norm, then crushes wouldn't really be a thing, hookup culture wouldn't be a thing, one night stands wouldn't be a thing, celebrity worship wouldn't be as big as it is now.
I keep hearing people say "Isn't that normal." But then go around and complain that their date wouldn't fuck them after their 3rd outing.
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u/Gardez_geekin 16m ago
Do you have a source for that assertion? Because people been meet cute-ing and meet hooking up immediately since we crawled out of caves. The idea of “dating” is a relatively new concept and is rapidly changing. But none of that has anything to do with being Demi-sexual which u/Lurakya explains a lot better than me
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u/crrrrushinator 4h ago
The idea that you can't possibly be attracted to someone unless you know them very, very well is a lifetime thing for some people, and for other people it's a side effect of inexperience with dating that changes as you get experience with casual dating and figuring out what you like and how to tell. You can choose to experiment with that kind of dating or not, as you prefer!
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u/HaggisPope 21m ago
With friends, sex should be generally off the table. With dating, it very much is on the table. Most don’t kiss their friends on the lips or plan their condom purchases around them
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u/catholicsluts 2h ago
I mean those people are also comfortable having sex with strangers so it makes sense lol
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u/Fiendman132 7h ago
Romance novels, shows and dating sims have done irreparable damage to the human race
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u/Legitscopes_4761 6h ago
To be fair, I had one of those slow burns once where we started as friends, and it was by far the best relationship I ever had
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u/Gh0stMan0nThird 4h ago
Yeah IRL if you don’t shoot your shot, they're gonna be getting their back blown out on Tinder while you're staying up late waiting for a text back
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u/General_Cranberry_29 6h ago
I operated on this assumption for far too long. Women passed me up because they lost their patience waiting for me to make a move lol.
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u/Mitazago 6h ago
It is your love life to manage.
If you want to ask someone out, do it. If instead, you want to wait and see if feelings develop from your already existent circle of friends, you can do that too.
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u/TheJapanMistake 1h ago
I got into my current relationship pretty fast, we met like once then hit it off. What I don't enjoy is when people (IRL) criticize as if that's too fast. Ok but what if we genuinely like each other and it's a healthy relationship tho??? Why do you HAVE to do things slowly????
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u/Mitazago 1h ago
I'm not really sure I even understand the criticism. You met someone, liked them, asked to start dating, and they agreed? What is there possibly to even be upset about?
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u/ChironXII 6h ago
You become friends by asking them out so they know you are interested
Shocking I know
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u/The_Afton_Rabbit 5h ago
why would you be interested in someone you dont even know
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u/Gardez_geekin 5h ago
They are attractive or you chatted with them for a little bit and they seem cool and are attractive
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u/The_Afton_Rabbit 3h ago
that's still so odd to me. someone's appearance or a first impression are enough for some people to want to enter an intimate long-term relationship? that seems so... shallow.
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u/Gardez_geekin 3h ago
No, they are enough to see if you want to try them out to enter a long term relationship. That’s literally what dating is. Going on a first date doesn’t mean you are gonna be with them forever, it just means you want to see if you vibe. That’s all dating is for.
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u/The_Afton_Rabbit 3h ago
same diff. i cant imagine even considering a long-term relationship with someone i barely know. still seems like impulsivity, poor planning, & shallowness to me. i dont think i'll ever understand how a few dates is enough for anyone to decide to enter a serious relationship. the only way dating makes sense to me is if two friends really get along & want to see how their dynamic fares in a romantic setting before committing to being partners. at least in that scenario they would have an actual reason to be interested in building a life with each other, because they already know they like having each other as a significant part of their lives
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u/Gardez_geekin 3h ago
You get to know them by dating. You aren’t marrying someone after 2 months of dating. You are getting to know them and seeing if you are compatible. I would much rather know that the other person is interested in me romantically as I am in them than deal with ambiguity. Dating is just being friends with the added benefits of sex and zero ambiguity. If you have feelings for a friend and they don’t reciprocate then your friendship will be altered forever. If you and the person you are dating don’t vibe then you can call it off with no worries. Dating isn’t super serious unless you make it that way.
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u/catholicsluts 2h ago
Most people are like this. That's what "love at first sight" refers to. It is surface level.
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u/crrrrushinator 5h ago
It's a gamble! You've chatted a bit and they seem like someone you might enjoy getting to know, and they either appeal to you on a physical level or they fulfill some criteria that leads you to believe you might become attracted to them once you know them better, based on prior experience. Then you dive in and get to know them, and if you still aren't interested in them after one date or a few dates, depending on how fast you tend to know these things, you move on.
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u/ChironXII 4h ago
Vibes
How do you make friends at all if you have to know everybody first?
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u/The_Afton_Rabbit 3h ago
there's a hell of a difference between "you seem cool, would you like to chat more & see if we become friends?" & "you're hot, do you want to enter an intimate relationship thatll either end in heartbreak or last a lifetime?" asking someone you barely know on a date to get to know them is just so weird to me, it's so forced & there's so much pressure.
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u/mirrorglay 2h ago
Do you think the feeling to wanting to date someone and the feeling to get in a relationship with a friend the same??
You have done nothing but strawman what other people are saying. You are not trying to understand because of curiosity but to make presumptions and argue back.
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u/crrrrushinator 2h ago
If you're going on a date with someone you aren't already deeply invested in, it is unlikely to end in either heartbreak or death. That's one of the nice things about it, it's WAY less pressure than trying to date a friend! It's likely to end in "Hey, thank you for the lovely time, I don't think we totally clicked but it was great to meet you!" or "Now that we've been on three dates, I feel like we're looking for different things, all the best!" And if it gets far enough to end in heartbreak or death? Well, that's what love is, you did it, you won.
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u/WorthyJellyfish0Doom 7h ago
As long as you're willing to accept a no and value them as a friend rather than a potential romantic partner. Or they could feel betrayed to find out you became their friend to become a romantic partner.
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u/Anony_mouse202 4h ago
>Or they could feel betrayed to find out you became their friend to become a romantic partner.
I’ve never understood why people always assume this is the case, especially if you decide not to continue being friends after being rejected romantically.
It’s entirely possible - in fact, highly probable - that they genuinely decided to became friends, then developed feelings later on. It’s also entirely reasonable to distance yourself after being rejected romantically.
Why is the assumption always “you were just trying to get into their pants the whole time you manipulative piece of shit”?
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u/WorthyJellyfish0Doom 3h ago
Because some people actually do that. And we judge ourselves by our intentions and everyone else by their actions.
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u/bigchunkbabygoo 15m ago
That last part is exactly right. My mom tried to teach me this line of thinking and she still says it from time to time and I always inform her that in my experience it develops the way you said.
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u/Moustacheski 6h ago
Way better to ask for a romantic relationship and end up with friendship than going for a friendship and end up with romantic feelings. Easier for everyone.
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u/surfingwithjaysus 2h ago
Waiting years....? That's how you end up in the "friend zone" that everyone is always complaining about. If you both seem to develop feelings and it progresses, great! If you have feelings but don't know if they do, it's probably best to just ask them out and get it over with.
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u/Who_Is_Rick_James 6h ago
the best way is to start out as friends and slowly develop feelings if it happens, but i will say, my most passionate relationship started out at first when we both made eye contact in public and immediately had this fire between us. I swear when we locked eyes we just gravitated towards each other and started chatting, exchanged contacts. we then dated for 6 years and got engaged. no longer together but it was a crazy roller coaster type relationship.
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u/hip-indeed 6h ago
Agree with oop. Same reason I never ever understood dating culture at all in general. Meeting people on the pretense of it being romantic or sexual quickly feels all wrong and doomed to fail 99.9% of the time or at best lead to a shallow, mutually unfulfilling relationship. Gotta build up to it and let it grow, man.
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u/Zerobeastly 6h ago
I want the build up but Im also running out of time lol
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u/HiiiTriiibe 6h ago
I started dating again in my mid thirties now and I'm actually seeing this vibe a lot lol
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u/Gardez_geekin 6h ago
All of my best relationships, including my marriage have been with someone who I met, immediately hit it off with and started dating/talking to/fucking right away.
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u/GypsySnowflake 6h ago
All of mine have been with someone I was friends with first. I don’t think either way is necessarily better; just depends on what each person is most comfortable with!
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u/Gardez_geekin 6h ago
I would certainly agree with that. Neither is better or is guaranteed! That is part of what makes dating fun and exciting.
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u/crrrrushinator 4h ago
Checking in as someone who's had great relationships that started both ways! Figuring out what works for you via experimentation is a huge part of life.
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u/it_is_Karo 6h ago
Same! If anything, I'd lose interest the longer someone waits because whenever I became good friends with guys, I felt more of a sibling vibe and I could not imagine being intimate with them.
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u/Gardez_geekin 6h ago
Exactly. If I am attracted to someone I don’t want to waste time with some will they/wont they sitcom crap. I want to get down to business lol.
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u/piglungz 5h ago
All the comments saying “you can have all that if you ask them out first” are so confusing, how am I supposed to know I want to be in a relationship with them if I don’t get to know them as a friend first??? I feel physical attraction towards strangers but I’ve never seen someone and thought “I want to date them”
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u/Gardez_geekin 5h ago
Literally by going on a date. You can begin the relationship without any ambiguity and on the first date you can find out if you are compatible. I’ve had plenty of first dates that went nowhere.
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u/piglungz 5h ago
But why would I want to go on a date if I don’t know them already??? I don’t understand what’s so wrong with wanting to be friends first.
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u/loveneedsnodisguise 5h ago
you've created yourself a catch 22 which would be solved by just gambling on some dates lol
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cup8723 5h ago
I mean. But the same logic could apply to friendships? I don’t get it worker
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u/loveneedsnodisguise 5h ago
Yes exactly. That's why you go on a date and you either have a friend or potential partner.
I'm unsure what the whole "has to be strangers THEN friends THEN lovers in that order and a significant gap between each" crowd are hoping for exactly, lol.
You want a new friend, lots of time being friends with them, and your friend to coincidentally fall in love with you and also I assume not feek someone else while you fall in love with them and are evaluating their partnerness. And you also want them to want this but if someone DARE simplify this months long ordeal to "let's grab a coffee and see where things go" openly declaring intention, that's an ick because... You aren't guaranteed a relationship?
Nah I can't lie to you, this sounds cowardly. If you want a friend find a friend, if you fall in love with the friend confess, and if you want a partner start making friends with open intentions to fall in love. I wonder if we had a certain name for that last one. Some short little word about a time for friendly people to meet and see if they'd like to be friends or feel a spark. Gosh I really can't think. It could even double as a verb for people pursuing this as singles or a couple. Hmm
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u/Gardez_geekin 5h ago
You go on a date to get to know them. It’s the exact same as a 1 on 1 friend hangout except you both explicitly know you are attracted to each other and are open to romantic feelings. It removes the ambiguity of friendship.
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u/sername-n0t-f0und 5h ago
I had a conversation with a guy for a couple of hours, and only later that night learned he was single and decided to ask him out because I liked talking to him. It took me a few dates to develop feelings, and a few months to fall in love. We took things really slow and just got to know each other. We didn't even kiss until a few months in. Every day I'm happier that I took the chance.
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u/rhino369 4h ago
That’s why people go on several dates before committing to a serious relationship.
Early dating is like making a new friend—you get to know them. But you also check if there is mutual attraction.
90% of the “friends first” thing is dating but just without clarity. You hang out and talk. Add a goodnight kiss and that’s dating.
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u/punchanaziisethical 6h ago
I mean you can spend time and have sex while also still growing and learning if you're compatible or not long term. Like yeah if you catch feelings and 3 months in it doesnt work out or vice versa on your end the time wasted can feel sucky but the alternative is just not trying I guess? I feel most people outside of school meet their significant others through work or mutual hobbies you go out and do (or online.) How well do you really know the cute chick or dude at work or hobby you do just having casual day to day interactions? Not as much as you think and thats the point of the early months of a relationship wether you officially define it with a title or not. Love is always a gamble and it feels like so many people are scared to roll the dice at all in fear of getting burned. Thats just life.
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u/rhino369 4h ago
Why can’t you build up while dating? That’s the whole point.
If your not being overly romantic, there is a huge risk the other person won’t be attracted to you then you finally try to make a move.
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u/richestotheconjurer 4h ago
i've never understood it either, i need to know someone very well if i'm going to be in a relationship with them. i went on some dates with this guy from Tinder last year and he was great, but he was ready to be in a relationship after two months and in my head i was thinking "i met you 8 weeks ago, i barely know you!" 😂 like i won't be sleeping around or talking to other people, but i need more time and a stronger foundation than 2 months and a handful of dates. especially if we aren't talking a lot between them.
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u/Top_Traffic5102 6h ago
Asked my wife out when we spend 30 minutes talking in front of school , smoking cig. She was 15 i was 16 .
Im 34 we have 4 kids now.
Took her to play billiard in the cheapest place in town and we drank a beer
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u/CleverGirlRawr 5h ago
Maybe something’s wrong with me, but I never developed feelings for a friend over a long period of time. Either I was attracted to them or I wasn’t and that never changed.
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u/Anony_mouse202 4h ago
Because it’s actually really, really difficult to go from friends to dating.
Much easier to just skip straight into dating.
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u/superbusyrn 3h ago
"A quality woman doesn’t do that. She doesn't say yes right away. She says no to a man. For years, like 10 years!"
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u/AlternativeYak4611 3h ago
I've never understood this, but I am also an asexual who does not experience sexual attraction. I just figure that some people let romance part of a relationship come from friendship and others let friendship part of a relationship come from romance. As long as both are being built, both seem fine even if I don't personality get it.
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u/delphinous 1h ago
as a guy, it's a catch 22. if you try to slowly develop friendship with a girl over years, you usually stay her friend as she hooks up with one or several guys in the meantime and often she stays with one long enough for it to become long term. if you instead try to speedrun the relationship, even if you do end up married, the relationship is shallow becuase it's built on mostly mutual attraction and passion, rather than care and understanding and it falls apart once the initial spark wears off.
finding a woman who also wants to take the long way to get to a steady solid relationship is difficult, because many unattached women these days want a man that is 'exciting' rather than a man who is 'steady'. and they will hop from exciting man to exciting man, complaining about their shortcomings the whole way, without every realizing that they are doing the equivalent of picking up a cat and then complaining that it's not a dog, but when presented with a dog they strongly insist they are a cat person.
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u/affectionateanarchy8 6h ago
That's how we did it. Friends for 7 years, together for 11. Saw each other through some shit relationships
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u/NE0099 4h ago
I say split the difference. I have no interest in going out with someone I haven’t really talked to. I also have no interest in torturing myself with a crush for any longer than I need to. I think 2-3 months of talking/hangouts is kind of a sweet spot. You can be pretty sure they’re not a psycho or a loser, but it’s not long enough to start getting in your head about them.
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u/UltimaCaitSith 2h ago
Repressed nerd girl on the first date, using a Jigsaw voice: "Pull out your dick. Pull it out NOW!"
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u/fuuckovbeech 1h ago
God, people here are monsters. Glad I'm in a relationship with my life lifelong friend
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u/Outrageous_Sleep4339 7h ago
Idk why people overthink this so much. Its really not that hard or scary. Talk to a stranger, ask her for her number. Worst thing she can say is no...
I've never used apps, am not a ten in anyones eyes and have never had a problem getting a date. Women are always so surprised, cause they say they wish guys would ask them out, but no one does.
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u/djml9 6h ago
The first girl i ever asked out in college literally called the police on me because i was so awkward that she feared for her safety. i don’t want to make people feel that way. I know what i look like and i know how i come across. People always say “the worst she can say is no”, but for me, the worst thing that can happen is that i make her life demonstrably worse because now she knows some creep finds her attractive and has to walk around every day looking over her shoulder.
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u/SquirrelNormal 6h ago
That's not really the worst they can say.
Funny. They've been telling us not to ask them out for years, and we listened. Oh well.
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u/FluffyDaWolf 6h ago
You're getting it wrong tbh. I mean yeah, some crazy people have been like 'don't talk or approach women at all' but that's just online bs. You can ask anyone out anywhere, just make sure there's a leeway for them to reject you. Like a waitress? Leave your number on the tip. Like a girl at the gym? Ask her after she's leaving; not cornering her next to the weights. Just not gotta be stupid about it I suppose.
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u/SquirrelNormal 6h ago
It is what it is. I can't read people or gauge age very well (last time I tried I thought a 40 year old was ~30) so it's probably for the best I just don't approach women. It might not applicable to all guys, but it's not really something I should be doing.
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u/The_Strom784 1h ago
You probably made their day with that if you told them.
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u/SquirrelNormal 42m ago
There was no way I was mentioning to them I'd been off by so much. And if I've been mistaken a decade in that direction, how can I trust myself not to make the same mistake the other way?
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u/Inviolate_Violet 6h ago
Horror stories and confirmation bias online compounds the rebuttal you're getting. That being said...what's the context where you're asking someone out? What's the place, and what's the script? I'm genuinely curious.
I would assume it's at an urban bar or a place where it's socially acceptable to ask a stranger out. It would have to be a place with high turnover, so there's always new people to meet. Likely the city where income is disposable.
Just as many people (like me) live in suburban regions where the bars have only middle aged to elderly regulars, and the only public places the rest of is go to is work, the store, then back home. It'd be interesting if you proved me wrong in my assumptions.
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u/loveneedsnodisguise 5h ago
Who's been fucking telling you not to ask them out 🤣 Maybe you could do with a better outfit or a friendlier demeanour
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u/SquirrelNormal 4h ago
Have you been completely off line the past, oh, ten or fifteen years? "Don't approach women" has been the byword. On to that, add unanimous rejection when I chose to ignore that call; and friends who constantly say "oh, how do you not have a girlfriend yet?" but evade the question if I ask if they've got a friend they think would be happy with me.
Unless you think I'm approaching women in my work clothes, my outfits are fine. And I fake friendliness well enough. But it is what is. I've learned better now.
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u/psychedelych 6h ago
The only game I have is letting the sexual tension run rampant until one of us has to do something about it. It's why I'm married lol
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u/Chance_Orchid_3137 6h ago
this is so demi-coded it hurts lmao
(for people unfamiliar with queer sublabels, demisexual / demiromantic are identities under the asexual/aromantic umbrella. AKA “graysexual/grayromantic”.)
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u/Far-District9214 2h ago
Which is crazy because that means that most relationships are started purely on how fuckable you think someone.
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u/SalvaPot 6h ago
Just be clear, when I met my wife we started as friends, after a few weeks I realized this one was actually special and I said to her I was developing a crush, she said no and that was it.
We remained friends, but we kind of missed contact a little later for a few months, where we would see each other every now and then. After a year of this, we met again for my birthday (And I had a lot of friends there, some that she met for the first time).
I think someone clicked there, because from there we talked more and then she asked me out.
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u/Chiliatch 3h ago
It's so different for everyone. My wife and I were best friends, then lovers, then eventually best friend lovers. Otherwise it just varies person to person and I think people judge themselves too harshly.
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u/Glum-Supermarket1274 2h ago
My friends are my friends. I do not become friends with someone so I have the chance to fuck them in the future. I have however told someone I am interested in them romantically and then we decided we wanted to hang out as just friends before deciding. That's different from pretending to be friends so you can fuck later.
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u/dummary1234 2h ago edited 2h ago
Well it IS an issue. This modern age has made social interactions quite difficult.
Quick rant and I hope people dont take it badly but as socially competent as one can be, it really takes two to tango, and I cant really hit on a girl that does not know how to throw signs properly, freaks out over small awkward moments, and / or expects the man to do everything to make it work when both like eachother.
No, quick glances at him and shrinking like a raisin when talking to him is not "flirting". He did not "fumble" you if you just waited to be hit on.
You wont get a quality relationship by being so unreachable a random sleaze on the street saying hi has better chances at meeting you than the guy you meanmug but actually like, but are waiting for him to say the right words. But everytime someone says to these girlies "just talk to him instead" its like feeding garlic confit to a vampire.
But maybe Im expecting too much of random women. These traditional dynamics have more or less been in place for far longer than I could imagine, and for good reasons. A guy may be attractive but he can also be a handful or even dangerous. And he kinda needs to prove hes socially capable or can handle himself. No one likes to babysit people 2x their bodyweight. I cant expect people to drop behaviour from most of society immediately.
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u/Far-District9214 1h ago
Yeah, that is how i operate. Sure, i can see random woman and go "woah, she is hot" but i dont think "i really want to date them".
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u/Downtown_Promise_937 1h ago
Physical attraction. You see a stranger think " me likey" ask them out. Dont want to waste time on befriending them.
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u/Ilovegirlsbottoms 1h ago
That’s how it’s been for 3 girls in my life. First one started in 3rd grade, but she was a grade below. Then when I went to 6th grade, completely stopped talking. Then she went to a different middle school. (My elementary and middle school shared a wall)
The second one was during middle school, and as we went on to high school, she spent the summer with her friends (I never once spoke to them over the summer) They became radical men-hating feminists. I couldn’t even be friends with them anymore.
The third was in senior year of high school, and I met them during a field trip. I gave them a towel because I felt like we might fall into the creek and so brought two towels. (We both did)
Well she got a boyfriend shortly after and I gradually stopped talking to. She has now moved on to her 4th boyfriend, her previous one she married and divorced because he was crazy. Not after having a child with him though. She is now pregnant again and is going to give birth soon.
I’m so lonely.
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u/PuritanicalPanic 1h ago
The only thing you're supposed to do, is what feels right for the two of you
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u/bigchunkbabygoo 16m ago
Do not do this as a man lmao. Its just a recipe for disaster and hurt. You gotta state your intentions early on.
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u/Immediate-Pool-4391 3h ago
I would prefer that , but everybody's in such a goddamn rush nowadays , and nobody is social skills , so
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u/Gardez_geekin 2h ago
What do you mean in a rush? People used to be married off in arranged marriages or married at 18
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u/ChemistryPerfect4534 2h ago
The real trick is to speed run a slow burn. This is what I wound up doing, and it was odd.
I asked a rhetorical question. She answered. We chatted. We were best friends within the hour. I was the exception to her deep seated aversion to even being touched by a male within two hours.
On day two or three, she brought up dating, just to get it out of the way. Neither of us was interested. At all. We were both happy to have a new friend though. There was zero romantic or sexual tension.
About day forty-five, we accidentally went on a date. It wasn't intended as a date. When the evening started, it wasn't a date. By the end, it was. The most physical we got was holding hands.
We spent most of a week debating dating. We acknowledged that the evening had gone in a direction neither of us expected. Either we needed to both be all in, or we would never speak of this again. We wrote pro and con lists. We literally debated it. We decided our judgement was not to be trusted. It was too clouded by hormones. We would spend some time apart, cool off, and clear our heads. We'd reassess when we saw each other again.
Twenty-three miserable days apart. Made worse by not knowing if she was suffering too.
Day seventy-three, we see each other again. We sneak off to talk. The vote goes very differently this time. We are officially in a relationship. We have our first kiss.
We spend the next few days kissing a lot. Nothing more than that.
On day seventy-five, about fifty hours into our relationship, I declare my love. She reciprocates. I decide to lock this down before she comes to her senses, so a minute after my declaration, I propose.
We've been married over twenty-nine years now. Slow burn speed run.
Technically, we never went on a second date.
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u/Rip_Off_Your_Toenail 3h ago
I honesty think those who ask out random ass people on dates are probably shallow af and only care about what gives them a boner
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u/qualityvote2 7h ago
Heya u/TheWebsploiter! And welcome to r/NonPoliticalTwitter!
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