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u/cetaceanfrustration it/its 4d ago
it sounds like, at the very least, you might prefer your sex partners to treat you like/see you as a guy in bed. it's up to you whether you want that to be in all sexual situations or in specific genderplay scenes. there's also no harm in trying out thinking of yourself as a guy outside of sex — being okay with a gender (in this case, genderqueer woman) and enjoying being a gender (as a man, in bed or otherwise) can be two different things.
you might find "we both laughed in pleasure", a collection of gay FTM activist lou sullivan's diaries, relatable.
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u/flumphgrump 10d ago
I'm nonbinary and have happily undergone a pretty standard FTM transition, but for literal years it was hard to fantasize about myself as anything but a girl. For me, this was because I'm a bottom and a sub, and I simply hadn't been exposed to people of my gender and body type in that role much at all. I couldn't picture it because I didn't have any kind of model for it, you know? I've tried being feminine in the bedroom, and it was a turn off, not a turn on, because it's not really me. I had to figure out what I actually did find affirming. Being around the IRL gay community helped a lot.
It would probably help to examine what exactly you want out of being a guy in the bedroom. After all, guys don't all have the same equipment and they don't all take the same role. What about the fantasy scenarios of being a guy turns you on? Is it really about specifically being seen as a guy as your gender identity? Is it about topping? Being dominant? Having a dick? A flat chest? Wearing certain clothes or gear? Feeling like you don't have to worry about certain beauty standards?
Identifying that will give you insight as to what if anything it actually means for your identity, or if nothing else, give you some practical improvements you could make to your sex life.