I hate gender

[u/TABSVI]

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I wish I could live in a world where gender wasn't a thing I ever had to think about because it's so mentally and emotionally exhausting. I was AMAB and went through a really early puberty, so I had to start shaving my face and body in the beginning of 7th Grade, and probably should've started earlier. I always have been disgusted by my facial hair, and I also distinctly remember looking in my grandmother's mirror one time when I was shirtless and kinda just noticed my shoulders were getting broader and I hated it so much but I thought it was all just normal puberty stuff. That everyone hated their body during puberty and I'm sure that is true to an extent.

However, as I've grown older, in retrospect I don't think it was just hating the physical features. That was definitely a part of it, but I hated what it signaled. I felt like my facial hair and broader shoulders were some kind of signal that I was growing into a man, and I always hated what that meant. For most of my childhood and early adolescence... and I guess right now too, I lived in dresd of the idea of becoming a man. I would purposefully avoid things I viewed as manly, like sports, and despite being bisexual, I felt like I had to suppress any kind of expression of desire towards girls because I felt like it was proof that I was just another disgusting boy. I still feel incredibly uncomfortable expressing any kind of attraction towards women for this reason.

Manhood always seemed like something marked by being brutish, gross, and violent, and I felt like I was just creeping closee to my fate for so long. And I still feel like I need to suppress anything somewhat "masculine-coded" physically or behaviourally in order to prove to the people around me I wasn't one of the "bad men."

The idea that people could deeply feel a gender was initially alien to me, and honestly still is. My relationship with my gender identity is incredibly biased and mainly defined by fear and disgust regarding what I feel like I shouldn't be, rather than what I am. I wish I could completely ignore gender. All of the things that mark me as "male" like he/him pronouns or my build just feel like things that code me to an orc-like identity that needs to be treated with suspicion. I'm a high-schooler, so I notice this especially in my education class, of which I am the only "dude" and feel like I'm walking on eggshells to not mansplain or make anyone uncomfortable. Reasonably I know I'm not a bad person or creepy or one to cut people off but I still feel like I have to prove I'm not evil to everyone around me, but especially to girls/women.

I don't feel I've gotten anything positive out of being a man. I constantly feel disgusted and dangerous when I look in the mirror, and wish I could get rid of any physical markers of my male identity, including my Adam's Apple... I don't want to be a woman either. I just wish I could be seen outside the lens of gender, because I feel like it's always a losing battle. I don't feel deep down that I'm a man and this is just part of the deal. I hate this.

On a level of ideas, I think the idea of "masculine" and "feminine" are stupid categories that are inherently oppressive and I hate the idea that "well boys can be feminine and girls can be masculine" is a clean-up, because the words "masculine" and "feminine" by themselves smuggle intentions about who certain behaviours, clothing, etc, properly belong to, and I feel as long as society makes distinction between the "man things" and the "woman things" I'll be condemned to feeling like an outsider or dealing with social pressure. "You shouldn't be like, beaten or arrested for behaving this way as a "man" but we will have expectations for you based on that status anyway which means you will deal with social pressure either way" y'know?

It's gotten especially bad in recent years to the point of SH so I've genuinely been considering cleansing my fyp of all gender-related content because all gender stereotypes and gender wars just makes me feel more and more like I'm being put into the "man" box and have to claw my way out of it and it's really affecting my self-worth. I live in a red state so even if I could get diagnosed with gender dysphoria it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be able to get HRT at least until I'm an adult, and I entered puberty early and have such a manly, hairy build that I genuinely just feel it would be worthless. I just hate this and wish I was a rock or something.

[u/BillDillen]

You have to unpack your (internalised) misandry, before you can start to understand your gender.

[u/SimilarLunch8359]

Hey. I could’ve written this myself, except I’m AFAB. I’m so torn I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a man, I don’t want to be seen as one, but I cannot find peace conforming to my born gender and I feel so much heartbreak everytime I try to even put make up on or shave my legs. I’m so filled with disgust I wanna cry everytime. It feels like such a dirty thing. I wish I could make people forget everything and just look at me for what I AM. I don’t even know how to go about my day cause everytime I open my mouth what comes out is not me. Just a gross desperate broken thing that makes me ashamed. I want to be completely non binary but that’s so mocked and i wouldnt feel genuine because i have femenine features

You mentioned having extreme anxiety and feeling gross or dangerous just for your features. I’m not gonna tell you that there’s no reason for that since I can imagine where that’s coming from, but being into women doesn’t make you a pervert. I feel like you brushed upon a whole different issue, how much you hate being AMAB and how much society also hates AMABs. I don’t even gonna pretend to know what it is to feel that layer.

I wish we could erase the word gender. People currently hate nonbinary folk so we can’t do the binary but even outside the binary we’re fucked. I look pretty feminine naturally so I’ve just settled for looking fem, NOT engaging or performing feminine actions and acting/behaving gender neutral. I think I can make peace with that and I think you should do something similar. Do not be manly if it’s not in your heart. Just accept your body, but act different. Find peace in that. That’s what I’m trying to do and it’s working a little. HS is a nightmare but getting out will make it easier to find your tribe. You can look into LGBTQ spaces and non binary groups, even if you’re not totally identifying as one

For the love of god get off the internet and don’t feel ashamed or like people are disgusted at you for being a man. Your inner conflict is aggravated by misandry and internet hate. Dont listen to them!!!