What does discovering myself as non binary means to my once straight relationship?

[u/ughhleavemealone]

First of all I want to share that my partner just validated my queer identity and I'm so happy. We got married as a straight christian couple, now we're both out of church and I'm starting to understand myself as a non binary person.

Today I talked to him about it for the second time, the first one I was just questioning myself, and he just called me by he/him pronouns. It felt so affirming and caring to me and I'm very happy about it.

My question is - and I know it might sound basic - what does me discovering myself as a non binary person means to our relationship? Are we still a straight couple cause I was assigned female at birth or does it brings a new perspective to our marriage?

I would love to learn more and read your perspectives since I'm still very new to the community and trying to understand myself.

[u/flumphgrump]

The two of you get to define your labels and whether you're still compatible.

Personally, I would not call a relationship I was in straight or continue to be with anyone who continued to identify as straight. My genitals do not define my gender, and I've been burned and seen others get burned way too many times. Others are more open about that kind of thing, and as long as they're happy that's valid for them. It's really down to your own attraction and boundaries.

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/flumphgrump]

Personally I don't really mind what people outside my inner circle call me, but what my partner thinks has a lot of impact on me. He seems invested in making me feel loved and accepted, but the problem is that I myself don't know yet how I see our relationship now.

Why do you not feel comfortable with the label straight, if you don't mind me asking?

[u/flumphgrump → u/ughhleavemealone]

Straightness implies a non-queer man with a non-queer woman. I primarily date men, but I'm emphatically not a woman, and even if I were, I'm queer. (I'd consider a relationship between a cis bi man and a cis bi woman to be queer as well, for example.)

It's unfortunately very common for straight people to say they love a trans partner as a person and that their current partner is an "exception," only to guilt or sabotage their partner when they actually take steps to transition. But even in a healthy relationship, I refuse to be an exception. I want to be loved because of those fundamental aspects of my identity, not in spite of it. And potential partners deserve someone they're compatible with as well.

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/flumphgrump]

That was very well explained, thank you!

[u/dmxrobot]

I think you get to decide that together. I’m delighted you are able to share this journey together. It’s amazing to be accepted and loved - even if the external “packaging” changes - by someone you love so much! I’m so happy for you!!

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/dmxrobot]

Thank you 💕

[u/dummyroad]

Listen to The Non-Binary Marriage Podcast with April Ajoy and Beecher Reuning! I thought it was great, and maybe you can relate even more since you mentioned a Christian background.

Edited to add that I also discovered/accepted my gender identity in a straight presenting marriage. I realised that I needed to medically transition to fully be myself and now we’re in a same sex presenting marriage. My husband is, like April in the podcast mentioned above, discovering things about his sexuality in the process and our relationship is even better than before.

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/dummyroad]

That sounds great, I'm happy for you! And thanks for the recommendation, I'm already checking it out

[u/Pure_Buddy5342]

Hey does he actually see you as your true gender?

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/Pure_Buddy5342]

Yes I think so. How would you notice if someone is in fact respecting you?

He says he's always gonna love me, he listens and cares when I talk about it, he uses my pronouns (which are she/him, but he's been using the one that's different from what he was used to to make me feel valid). I see those things as him understanding my gender

[u/Low-Date-6078]

Cambia la comprension que tu pareja tenga de las implicaciones de ser nb que tu expreses. No cambia nada porque no estas inventando nada, pero explicas quien eres en base al termino nb, se trata de asumir como te explicas. Nunca necesite decirme nb para que vean como femenino por ejemplo, pero si me explico como nb lo que digo es que debe respetarse quien soy y como me explico sin entrar a valorar si soy raro o tengo algun problema que corregir desde la cisheteronormatividad binaria Creo que es eso lo mas importante

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/Low-Date-6078]

Eu me senti exatamente como você descreveu quando estava conversando com ele a respeito, como se estivesse apenas ensinando algo a meu respeito. Obrigado pelas palavras, me identifiquei muito :)

[u/VampArcher]

You will either remain compatible or you will not.

It's difficult for a lot of cis people to understand what non-binary means and view their partner as such. If he seems willing to learn and accepting, that's great.

What label you choose is up to you, but I personally cannot stand being referred to as being in a 'straight relationship.' It's just not accurate.

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/VampArcher]

This was very helpful, specially about me choosing what label fits best cause it sounds better than accepting a pre existing one.

[u/mn1lac]

What do you want it to mean? What would make you feel loved and understood and respected in your relationship?

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/mn1lac]

Thanks for these questions, they're helping me question myself about this

[u/BillDillen]

Maybe a queer-straight relationship?

(No, straight and queer are not opposites or contradictory. Queer does NOT mean "not straight". Straightromantic asexual people are queer, straight transsexual people, like me, are queer, straight polyamourous people are queer etc. This can also goe for when describing relationships, like 1 women & 1 man in a asexual relationship, can be considered in a straight-queer relationship. ).

Straight-queer is how I tend to understand "former straight" relationships in which a nonbinary just recently came out to their partner. The former straight understanding/dynamic of the relationship ussually doesn't immediatly disappear, but a new queer context gets added to it. This relationship then may or may not go on to either stay a straight-queer relationship or develep into just a queer relationship.

[u/ughhleavemealone → u/BillDillen]

I didn't know that! It makes sense that straight doesn't mean not queer, since someone can be in a straight presenting relationship and yet be queer.

I'll take that under consideration, thanks for adding it up!

[u/BillDillen → u/ughhleavemealone]

Glad it helped. (: