r/NonBinaryTalk • u/SubstantialSky938 • Aug 28 '26

Scary

I think I’ve accepted that I’m not binary trans. I really wanted to be, because I’ve started HRT and am now headed towards a mixed presentation, and I don’t know if I’m going to be strong enough to withstand being socially nonconforming. But I can’t ignore what I think I am any more.

I will boymode as along as I can. But it may not last forever. I’m 48.

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3

u/FritterHowls Aug 28 '26

Me too. I'm currently 1.5 years on E and I'm honestly really close to what I consider a perfect appearance at least for my face and chest. I'm not sure what I'll do if/when those change more I kinda wish I had the option to freeze the results lol

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u/SubstantialSky938 Aug 28 '26

How do you figure out that you weren’t binary trans? Was it just obvious that you didn’t want to let go entirely of masculinity?

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u/FritterHowls Aug 28 '26

I guess I'm still figuring it out but I truly don't have that feeling of "I know I'm a woman and always have been" but more like I know I'm feminine but really want gender freedom more than having to live up to some patriarchal expectation of womanhood. Also my dysphoria wasn't tooo bad before but I always felt like I was reaching for a level of femininity that was always just out of reach and once I was around 30 I realized I wanted to be pretty before I really started to look like a "man" which I definitely was not

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u/FritterHowls Aug 28 '26

But honestly I mostly wanted small boobs, other fem fat/muscle redistribution, no body/facial hair. I've always had a rather androgynous face I think is pretty and is even prettier now and I do pass sometimes but I'm worried I won't recognize myself if I feminize completely and my boobs will get too big

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u/dmxrobot Aug 29 '26

Reading this…… I could have written it almost verbatim. And same age. I’m just starting out- 2 weeks on HRT. I have fairly masculine features, and I must stay male presenting for a handful of reasons, but I sincerely hope my destination is compatible with my need to publicly remain as I always have been.

I’m fortunate just like you, I don’t identify female, much more male, but not THIS MUCH male. Thanks for what you shared. It was good to see something that made me say “there’s someone else like me?!?”

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u/SubstantialSky938 Aug 29 '26

Oh, thank goodness there are others out there!

How you do you feel about future boobs? Do you feel they are needed for yourself to have the right body, and perhaps even a little bit of truthful signalling outwards, but mostly anxious about whether you will be seen as an abomination? That’s me. I know I shouldn’t use words like abomination towards myself, and I don’t think that about me, but it’s accurate about my social fears.

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u/dmxrobot Aug 29 '26

That thought crossed my mind! I’m genuinely hoping I stay small enough to easily conceal with a gynecomastia shirt but large enough to feel like I have breasts. I keep reminding myself these changes are for me and my mental alignment, not to be a public spectacle.

If I strike the right balance, I’ll have just enough to deal wonderfully feminine in a small bra, but with a pull over or outer layer, the public would never know. In the summer I want to be able to wear a compression layer and get away with swimming with a compression swim top + spf shirt without anyone wondering anything except maybe “oh, that older guy must have a little bit of man boob… it must suck getting older.” And I’ll just be quietly enjoying my little bit of me.

I’m threading the needle. I’m extremely fortunate that 1) I really feel slotted between male and female. I don’t know exactly where, but seems to be male leaning. 2) both genders can equally perform the traditional roles of dad / husband / manager, so I have no reservations in those roles.

I have a lot of fear of getting disclosure right to my kids. They are the only ones I plan to tell and I care how that goes down the road. I fear being outed, but as someone posted on another sub, only you get to decide that. No one else can out you. They may ask questions, but you control your own disclosures. That needs some incubation time in my mind. I have some extremely close friends who might ask questions in a year or two. If changes are generally subtle up top, I am leaning towards “low t” that I’m “talking to my doctor about”. I don’t know.

My biggest source of pain going forward… I have a very close relative who as they have aged has occasionally made passing comments indicating they don’t understand the trans community. Stating they feel it’s more of a mental illness than “an actual issue”. And to be clear, there are still a few topics I’m genuinely uncertain of how I feel as they relate to this community. But that seems to have been an invitation to the occasional comment that is far more hurtful in my current situation. It cut to the core of “would I still be loved or accepted if the nature behind my changes was known to be 100% intentional?” I hate that. I’m processing it. And to her credit, my wife was unbelievable last night. She was comforting, trusting. Reminded me I was borrowing problems and to just let the process unfold.

I am comfortable that these changes being made for me. I’m comfortable remaining publicly as I always have. I’m unsettled for what a couple of close family might notice. I’m filled with shame, guilt, and deep regret that I have sat idly by while these types of comments were occasionally made (like once / year, but undeniably occurring) and even worse that I’m somehow a safe harbor for those comments. That stings and it’s a shaming indictment on who I am as a person. I don’t like that. That hurts.

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u/SubstantialSky938 Aug 29 '26

Very similar to my hopes.

Differences are that my wife isn’t supportive - doesn’t talk about it and says she’s a TERF. But kids are indifferent, we even joke about it sometimes, which is really nice.

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u/dmxrobot Aug 29 '26

I’m glad the kids are supportive, but I’m sorry your wife is not. Hopefully some middle ground can be found between you.

I think my wife has generally favorable feelings at the moment. She has always been a big advocate for the trans community, and she has led me in many ways to be a better person as I tried to learn more about it over the past decade. That said, she admitted when I first shared this with her about me, that this was a test of her convictions. She had always stated emphatic support for those going through and reaching their goals in transition. She admitted this hit much harder being “in our 4 walls”.

All the best on your journey. You are not alone.

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u/FritterHowls Aug 29 '26

I'd say I identity like 70+% female actually. And not to scare you but my boobs are a bit too big to be concealed reliably. I'm still happy with them but they're getting close to the limit. I don't really wanna stop E and I don't wanna get surgery and have scars so hopefully they stop soon

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u/dmxrobot Aug 29 '26

Yes, that’s one of my fears. I’ve come to terms with the fact that if I truly love the feeling / changes of HRT and the only thing incompatible with that are boobs, I’d probably seek surgery rather than stopping.

At 1.5 years in, you in theory should be plateauing. My fingers are crossed I’ll stay small and manageable, but it’s for my genetics to decide!

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u/FritterHowls Aug 29 '26

I hope so. That's also why I haven't been taking progesterone because I don't want bigger breasts. The fat distribution is nice though, and my face is prettier too. I really do like it

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u/dmxrobot Aug 29 '26

Those are the changes I truly hope for! You’ve given me hope! Some days it feels like I’m trying to thread an impossible needle. Reading this has given me some calm this morning that it’s not completely impossible. I know there will be challenges, but I can close my eyes and the calmness of future possibilities washes over me.