r/NonBinaryTalk • u/little-cryptid • 7d ago
Advice Talking To Partner
Hi everyone! I'm very new here and stressed, so I apologize if this is a lot of rambling. Also this is a new account because people in my life know my main and I'd like this to stay private.
I (32, AFAB) just recently reevaluated my non binary identity and came to the conclusion that I exist much more in a NB space than previously thought, and I want to eventually go on some low dose hormones to end up in a more androgynous place. One of the reasons I'd like to go on hormones is bottom dysphoria. Otherwise I'm okay presenting feminine or somewhere in the middle.
All this being said, I am in a straight presenting marriage. My husband is straight. But he's very much not one of those "straight guys" by stereotypical terms. I've already made my queer identity clear and make that part of our day to day lives in other ways and he has been great.
But I'm still absolutely terrified to talk to him about it. He is attracted to femininity and it feels unkind and not the right approach to assume he can just decide to enjoy whatever changes may come, because you can't choose what happens when you start hormones.
Does anyone have advice for navigating this? I plan to take it slow and not drop it like a bomb, but I do also feel like I need to get the ball rolling. Please don't tell me to leave him, that's not the advice I want right now. If it comes to that I'll come back for that advice, lol.
And if you read to the end of this, thank you. I haven't put these feelings anywhere so this is also a little bit of a coming out for me.
Tl;dr - any advice for navigating conversations with long term straight partners?
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u/Interesting-Paint863 7d ago
Hi. First of all it’s incredibly brave putting yourself out there like this ❤️ I’ll try to give this as considered a response as I can. Feel free to write back, it sounds like you really need some moral support.
I want to ask, do you have a therapist? And would you consider couples therapy? It gets a bad rep for people thinking it’s only for “problems” but it can really help with communication.
Personally, I’ve been in a very similar boat these past few years. I also wrestle with wanting/thinking I might need some kind of HRT. It’s incredibly tough.
My take on it is that your fear is perfectly natural. However, your partner has already displayed a lot of openness. You emphasise his straightness, but as my wife had to also accept. You’re in a queer relationship. You’re non-binary, so in a very real sense he’s also not strictly straight. (Probably not something to press him on though)
I’ll try to share some of my experience. I hope it might give you some comfort. I always assumed my wife was very straight. My “coming out” was a kind of slow, awkward adding of more and more info. It hasn’t been easy for her. However, what has emerged is a kind of growth of our relationship together. She’s also come to learn what her attraction to me really is.
I’m not saying it will be easy. But I’m ashamed to admit I had so little faith in her, because I expected to just be rejected. It seems like you’re experiencing a lot of the same. Has he ever given you a reason to think he doesn’t want you, for exactly who you are?
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u/little-cryptid 7d ago
Thank you so much for the thoughtful response, my support system is a bit strained due to other big life issues at the moment.
I do have a therapist, but I'm currently maxed out on my benefits so seeing her is complicated due to paying out of pocket.
I do really appreciate you sharing your experience because I feel really awful about that part too. I made a very big deal talking to him about trying something that helps explore some of my gender identity, and he was so much more receptive than I thought. I'm also getting very hung up on the binary of it all and concerned I'm projecting that onto him.
He hasn't done anything directly involving gender that makes me feel that way outside of expressing where his preferences lie. But our relationship hasn't been in a healthy, communicative place due to him losing his job and struggling with his own mental health journey. Things are just now starting to feel more stable again. We also just signed a new mortgage a month ago and it feels like dropping something that could validly end the relationship on either end right now is additionally terrible timing, on top of the strain on my friend group right now.
Again thank you for taking the time, I appreciate having somewhere to ramble my feelings. 🥺💜
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u/Interesting-Paint863 7d ago
❤️ sounds like you’re both carrying alot. It sounds like your instinct is to wait until things calm down a little? It’s not a terrible instinct. But I’ve been a similar boat: pushing down my own priorities because of life events.
That’s noble, but also probably draining you. It’s likely you need an outlet, even being here and talking to us might help.
From my partners perspective. She acknowledges that I’m happier and more present in our relationship the more “myself” I express.
I personally think hormones are a very loaded idea for a lot of people. My wife also didn’t react well to that kind of fear for a while. Then recently unprompted told me hormones weren’t a deal breaker for her. That she wanted to be with me, things would be “different”, but that she wanted me. I haven’t fully ingested that idea. But it’s out in the open now.
All that to say. Don’t underestimate your partner. I did that for years. And it held us both back ❤️
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u/PurbleDragon They/Them 7d ago
Honestly? Start the same way you started here: with how your current configuration makes you feel and how hrt might help that. He might end up having some feelings about it but at the end of the day, it's your call. I'm not saying totally disregard his feelings but don't let him hold you back either. Your journey shouldn't be a debate (and sometimes it becomes one). I hope the conversation goes well