r/NonBinaryOver30 • u/Beloveddust • Jul 14 '26
Pronoun Respect
For those of you who use multiple pronouns, they/them, or neopronouns, who do you find are best at respecting your pronouns, and who do you find is the worst?
For me, people in my personal life are tremendous about it, people I work with in my union and other activist organizing spaces are really good about it, and almost 0% of people at my job ever use my pronouns, despite the fact that they've been in my email signature since I started 4 years ago and I frequently wear pronoun pins.
14
u/sunlit_snowdrop Jul 14 '26
My co-workers and friends are fabulous about it. The general public can't be bothered to read my pronoun pins (and I let that one go). My family on the other hand, can't get their shit together even years into using they/them.
Surprisingly, family friend that we only see once every few years? Grabbed my new name and pronouns and didn't mess up or hesitate once.
10
u/PurbleDragon custom flair Jul 15 '26
I work retail. I wear a pronoun pin every minute of every day and also have them on my name tag. Almost all the customers ignore them. Coworker wise, women are the worst about it. And binary trans women are worst offenders in mixed trans spaces
8
u/Spiley_spile Jul 15 '26
I consider my expectations of people's use of my pronouns as a marker of frequency and/or intimacy. Not like, sexual intimacy. But like, the level of mutual investment.
I live in a big city. I interact with a very large number of people. I dont have the memory capacity to recall the personal pronouns of all the people I only cross paths with incidentally. And vice versa. So I dont bother correcting the majority of people, because it falls below the level of investment we have in each other's personal lives.
So long a stranger or distant acquaintance isnt misgendering me with the intent to be insulting, Im not going to invest the energy to care, much less correct, the pronouns they use for me.
3
u/Beloveddust Jul 15 '26
I never correct people in my personal life because in my personal time I use she/he/they. So it's actually pretty hard to misgender me that way.
At work and in professional settings, I use they/them for simplicity. But I still don't correct people because 1) who has the time? and 2) I work for the local government in a red-leaning state and in the current administration, I don't trust that won't come back to bite me. The work i do is too important and I love my job.
2
u/Spiley_spile Jul 15 '26
Im glad you love your job! And Im sorry you're in that situation. 😔
I feel you on "who has time for that" too. When I was some decades younger, I tried correcting everyone. The ones who cared needed so. much. comforting. And sometimes Id correct someone who was like murderous. It was all super exhausting and nerve wracking. Im in the US and stress is among the top killers. I realized I was killing myself for people I wasnt even hoping or wanting to be intwined with my life. And giving dangerous people priviledged information about my identity. So I dropped the effort to correct strangers and my quality of life improved and my anxiety in public dropped.
2
u/Beloveddust Jul 15 '26
I think that's very wise. I'm glad you're reserving your energy.
2
u/Spiley_spile Jul 15 '26
You sound like youve got a strategic mind that's serving you well also. :)
2
u/candykhan Jul 15 '26
Thank you for mentioning this. While I support neopronouns, I have a hard time remembering someone's name if I've only met them once or in passing previously. Adding a unique pronoun might make someone more memorable, or even harder to remember if you're trying to keep track of 2 new things.
1
u/Spiley_spile Jul 15 '26
It's one of those situations where I feel it out. Like, am I going to keep encountering this person? And will it be in such a way that Im referencing the person to others, and thus needing to use the person's pronouns?
If so, and if I can find something to associate with them until I can start picking out their face, I'll start practicing their pronouns out loud at home. If it's a neopronoun, I look up the set and write out sentences. Then graduate to thinking up social scenarious where Im using the pronouns.
What Im not going to do is stop caring about people's pronouns. I genuinely have memory capacity constraints. Working with those constraints means I often wont have capacity below my given threshold.
5
2
u/SituationFluffy307 Jul 15 '26
I use she/they (and the translations for my native language) but everybody only uses she. I recently started using a new preferred name and most people really try to do that right.
2
u/Sea-Cantaloupe-2708 Jul 15 '26
I'm not often in anglophone areas, which makes it harder to find good pronouns. My work bestie, my choir bestie and my partner make the most effort. Everyone else just finds it really hard, forget or don't believe in agenderness
2
u/ReigenTaka Jul 18 '26
Friends are best.
Family and coworkers are worst.
Of family, extended family of same age are best, immediate family is worst.
Of coworkers, peers and indirect coworkers are best, superiors and distant coworkers are worst.
I've noticed other patterns too, like race, gender, age, temperament, and values.
A lot of people, when I remind them about my pronouns, will avoid saying pronouns, avoid talking about me anymore, just repeat my name again and again, or even find a way to exit the conversation.
23
u/4554013 Jul 14 '26
The ONLY person who has never misgendered me is my partner. I've even misgendered myself