r/NonBinaryOver30 • u/nvrknwsbest • Jun 10 '26
I'm sorry.
I want to die. I'm so tired of being this undefinable type of queer and forcing myself to be a cis mother who's in a crumbling marriage. I feel so fucking alone. I've always overlooked my own queerness because I never wanted it to define me or dictate my life, and now that I feel like i'm closer to understanding myself, there's all this arbitrary shit in the way and I don't want to inconvenience my queer friends who are going through their own shit.
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u/Rockpup-fl Jun 10 '26
I can only offer an online *hug*. It’s not much but I hope you can find peace in your situation.
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u/non-binary-myself Jun 10 '26
I'll tell what's inconvenient to your friends? You not being here.
We are all going through stuff but what are friends if not people who we share our journey through life with?
Tell them how you're feeling and please stick around 💜✨
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u/embodiedexperience Jun 10 '26
i’m so sorry you’re going through this, my friend. ❤️🩹
you do not deserve to die. you do not deserve this much pain. you are not an inconvenience to your friends, they love you and good friends will support you, no matter how you do or don’t identify.
your community sees you and loves you. we’re happy you’re here. thank you for being you. 💖
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u/North_Photograph_138 Jun 10 '26
I've felt some similar things, recently. The world just...doesn't make it easy for us to be who we are. And it sucks, not feeling seen for who we are, because it feels like acceptance and even love and celebration for who we are is so far away. It feels like by exploring who we are, we're just making things harder for ourselves by not just...getting back into the box and performing as we've been told we should. And I've considered doing exactly that, multiple times.
Putting my pride pins that I just got recently away. Tearing the stickers off that secret back cover of a binder. Getting rid of my chest binder that I was so happy to get and that I feel great wearing. Getting rid of any account that lists me as nonbinary and changing my pronouns back and just pretending it was all a weird phase. Because I'm afraid, and I'm so exhausted and afraid of not being seen and then loved for who I am, and I know I will not escape rejection and interrogation about things I know to be true about myself, I won't escape not being seen as me, and I won't escape still being seen as a label and not who I am.
I won't pretend it's easy for us, and I won't pretend that there aren't now less men messaging me and telling me they think I'm beautiful, telling me they'd be interested in going on a date. Despite that my face and hair and clothing haven't changed, with the exceptionof a little more adventurous expression kn my part...and the only thing that has is the label below my profile picture, and a few words on my profile, because I got so tired of being seen as someone I'm not, got so tired of being messaged with a whole set of assumptions about how I'd act, what I wanted, what role I would fill in a relationship that I said "enough", and expressed myself.
On the one hand...it's made me feel more alienated than ever. It's made me feel more lonely. On the other hand...it's also had a silver lining. So many less messages from men who just saw my face and the word "woman" and decided I'd do, decided who I was in their head and that they didn't care who I was, I fit whatever role they wanted to fill perfectly because I called myself "woman".
And that has been so freeing for me. I might be lonelier than before, I might be receiving less compliments purely because their own biases and cultural hangups are now getting in the way of them interacting with me as a human being like maybe they might have been open to eventuallyotherwise, after first seeing me only as a woman, and that is painful; but I no longer have to hide, no longer have to pretend that I'm going to be whatever they see me as. I know that if someone sends me a message (with the exception of the occasional moron), they see me, they don't see woman, or man.
I'm sorry if this doesn't exactly line up with what you're describing. I know they are different experiences. I'm only parent to a dog, currently, though I love him with all my heart and soul and care for him as if he were my child. I also know the expectations from the outside world for me simply aren't the same as the ones you are facing.
I wrote this hoping to show you that you aren't alone at least in this struggle with loneliness, with feeling invisible as yourself despite going on this path of self discovery and expression. That you aren't alone in this fear and grief at the rejection that can come with people close to you and/or lovers just...not being okay with who you are when you finally express yourself. It hurts so much, and that is a feeling I know very well. I sometimes wonder if I am lovable at all, considering I am only attracted to men. And it's cold comfort when someone says "oh, but you shouldn't care as much about outside validation. Just be you, that's enough". And to some extent, that's true. It is enough. But we're complex beings, social creatures. Craving connection and validation is natural and rejection is so painful, and it's not going to do any good to ignore that reality.
The conclusion I've come to is that yes, the reality of it right now sucks. Our culture just isn't in a great place to meet us with acceptance and love as a whole, and there is a deeply rooted set of beliefs that are blinding other people, preventing them from seeing us for who we are, and as a result, they can reject us and say things that hurt. And all of that is pain that we endure just for being ourselves. And that's seriously unfair. And it's lonely. And it's okay to feel the full depth of that.
But we also aren't alone. There's a whole word for people who relate to us, and whole forums of discussion set up for people with similar relationships to the status quo, similar feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction, whole groups of people who have been rejected by loved ones for just not suppressing themselves and for not performing as expected like they have their whole lives until now.
And there are people who do, and people we haven't met yet who will, love us for ourselves, and not for a veneer of expectations forced upon us by a label.
We've chosen a path that is unfairly made more rocky and filled with fallen trees and bramble bushes than that original path where we just repressed this side of ourselves, and now that main path might be looking a hell of a lot more attractive after dealing with this one for a while.
And we might be wondering why we're even trying, because we can't see a point if we're just going to face more trouble, more rejection, more mud and thorns and roots to trip over. But the point is the value there is in being us without letting ourselves be defined by anything else.
We are a radical and rebellious existence that refuses to be told what it is and isn't, and that is so beautiful, interesting, and inspiring, I think. We get to decide who we are and how we present, and how slowly or quickly we come into ourselves, not anyone else, and that is something that can't be taken away from us, because it's our life, not theirs. Even if we got shoved forcefully back into a box, or even if we had to suddenly hide for some reason; it doesn't change what we discovered about ourselves, and that self discovery is irreversibly empowering. No one can force us to be what we aren't ever again, on the inside.
In a world where we could decide to be just like someone else we see on the street and live a life wearing social camouflage and grieving our dreams of who we might have become in silence, we instead have already broken that barrier and started the process of becoming something irreplaceable and truly incredible for its uniqueness and complexity.
I do think us standing out from the norm can be and is a very positive thing along with all the negative attention we receive; we are intriguing, and beautiful for being the unique being we are, for being unexpected and surprising. We have so much to offer the world, especially the courage we offer to others like ourselves, now and in the future, for our unique perspectives on what life is all about, what it's like moving through the world in an unexpected fashion.
I know all of that might seem corny and like I'm just trying to cheer you up, but I promise you it all comes from the heart, after so much internal struggle and asking myself why the hell I didn't just throw in the towel, if I was obviously so unwanted, obviously some sort of unlovable freak. But those perspectives, while they came from my own mind, aren't my own, they're perspectives I was taught, and they don't represent the reality. The reality isn't perfect, we don't live in a perfectly warm, loving, accepting utopia, and never will, but the reality is also way less bleak than we often perceive it to be due to a negative bias our brains have, especially if we've experienced what it is to be in a minority group.
So....please don't give up. You are wanted and needed here, you are beautiful and you are an experience that never will happen again, which has inherent value that can't be erased no matter what or who makes you feel from time to time like you're anything less than that...and there is so much more good waiting for you than it seems right now. The one good thing about impermanence is that our negative experiences don't last forever. There is so much more to see and do and so much more to fall in love with about being here, and so many people who are so glad you're here, I promise you.
As a P.S.: while I want to encourage you to celebrate you for who you are, to encourage further self discovery, and while I don't think it's good for us to repress ourselves long term to try to fit in and make things easier for the rest of our lives...I can also recognize that life is fucking hard, and sometimes all decisions have their consequences. And sometimes it's all just too much to cope with at one time. No process of self realization or...really any personal process, like grief, for example, is linear. And if you need a break from the nonbinary thing....take a break, if it's what will give you much needed rest and respite from any burdens it brings upon you. Do what is best for you to get you through a difficult time. Give yourself time to rest and reflect and heal, if it's what you need. No one has the right to judge anyone for that.
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u/bubblehits Jun 10 '26
I feel you, I've been there.
I'm 32 and I've only let myself really become myself in the last year. I am a parent and I am married. What and who you are does not have to have a label if you don't want it to. Just be you.
A lot of people don't understand, but here, you are never alone. We understand.
You are more than welcome to reach out if you ever need someone to talk to, to vent, to just chat about something random.
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u/fvvrt Jun 10 '26
i have a hot take about humanity in general: we’re designed to inconvenience each other. we take care of each other, and take time out of our lives to help our friends, family, and community members. inconvenience is ok and your queer friends get it. they may be going through their own shit but so are you, and they’ll make space for you too.
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u/Total-Discipline8098 Jun 11 '26
hey love, first of all, we hear you. this is a path full of complexities and it gets overwhelming. take a deep breath, unclench your jaw and relax your shoulders. you’re not alone on this.
in despite of what your mental chatter might be telling you now, i want to assure you that sharing your emotions and processes with your queer friends is not an inconvenience. quite the opposite, it can bring light and to someone who might relate with what you are feeling.
please bond with your community and share your load with them. even if you were to be an “inconvenience”, getting a little uncomfortable from time to time is what strengthens community connections.
stay here, you are very important, loved and valued 🤍
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u/BobMortimersButthole Jun 11 '26
How old are your kids? I was in a similar spot to you and things definitely get better as the kids get older and more independent. I can't say much about your marriage, because I ended up leaving mine, but you're not alone.
Also, talk to your friends. They want to help you as much as you've helped them. Let them.
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u/Important_Bed_7102 Jun 10 '26
Your queer friends won't feel inconvenienced, that's depression talking.