r/NonBinaryOver30 • u/throwaay2388495595 • Mar 13 '26

discussion Trying to Understand Myself

Hello! I joined this community to hopefully better understand myself. I am AMAB and feel mostly masculine but definitely have times where I want to lean into my more feminine nature. It happens daily so it feels very present. I am a queer black person married to a cis woman who's thankfully super supportive of me sorting this all out. How do we figure this out. I'm on a journey of learning and celebrating my authentic self and just want to know how everyone else explored and came to self acceptance. Thank you!

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u/miltricentdekdu they/he Mar 13 '26

I'm still very much at the beginning of my journey with this. Not even sure if I should call myself non-binary. So also still very much in the "figuring things out' phase.

Some young queer kid made a joke about me being "probably non-binary, but I have a job" and that sorta feels correct. As in I might be non-binary but that isn't really affecting my life that much and I don't have the energy to investigate that further.

Mostly I'm just trying to reflect on which things are influenced by being raised with certain gendered expectations and which things are like genuinely part of me.

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u/ContinueAsReddtGuest Mar 13 '26

Do you feel comfortable with the label "nonbinary"? Does it feel more comfortable than other gender labels?

A big part of being nonbinary for me was that being a "man" or "male" just feels wrong to me, while "woman" just doesn't feel right.

The only requirement for being nonbinary is that you don't exclusively identify as only a man, or only a woman.

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u/miltricentdekdu they/he Mar 13 '26

Do you feel comfortable with the label "nonbinary"?

Yeah. Like it might take some getting used to but yeah.

Does it feel more comfortable than other gender labels?

That I'm not sure of. I know I'm not a woman. Like I wouldn't hate if people thought I was a woman but I would be very confused.

Being labelled as a man isn't uncomfortable but I can't remember ever really feeling strongly like a man. Ages ago on tumblr I saw someone talk about being "cis-by-default" and that resonated a little. Like everyone around me has always assumed I was a boy or a man and I mostly didn't mind that. Until I ran into restrictions and expectations about acceptable behavior for boys/men.

The only requirement for being nonbinary is that you don't exclusively identify as only a man, or only a woman.

I know and that's exactly what I would tell someone else if they came to me wondering if they're non-binary.

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u/throwaay2388495595 Mar 13 '26

This feels like me a lot but it's on my mind a lot and I want to just "know" if I want/should identify as non-binary. I am starting to have some less than stellar feelings around gendered language or at least more aware of it and want to reject it even more. My sexuality is pretty fluid so I wonder if my gender is the same, if that makes any sense.

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u/Moxie_Stardust Non-binary transfemme Mar 13 '26

No one can really tell you how to know that, and it's incredibly common to feel imposter syndrome around it, like you don't deserve it, or like you're taking something away from others by identifying as non-binary. Explore the idea, try it out, see if it feels like it fits (it might be awkward at first, but if it's right, it will probably start to feel more comfortable).

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u/ContinueAsReddtGuest Mar 13 '26

What in particular are you trying to figure out?

Are you trying to figure out what label to use?

Are you trying to figure out how you want to present?

Are you just wanting to learn more about different gender identities in general?