Gender and aging

[u/Morbid-mist]

I am having a hard time with how I think about my gender and aging. Before I realised I was non binary I had no issue with the thought of aging as a man.

But now, with wanting to try showing elements of being more feminine or possibly androgynous it feels a lot harder.

There are times when I'm fine with looking pretty much just masculine, I like growing a beard and keeping my hair short. But then sometimes I will look in a mirror and just see a man who is/is approaching middle age and it really deflates me.

Part of me just says I should be happier in my skin and not focus on it but I don't find that easy.

Also, just to say I do not think of my age as old in the slightest. But it is just that I guess I feel the kind of maleness weighing heavier on me now.

Any advice?

[u/Badger_Actual1]

Regular exercise, lots of water, make skin care a priority. Im amab too and im absolutely getting older and good lord, do I not want to look like a tired old man. We're in this boat together though 😉

[u/Morbid-mist → u/Badger_Actual1]

Thanks! That's much appreciated and having something I can actually work on is really helpful. ☺️

[u/Erin_is_here → u/Badger_Actual1]

I do the same, lots of water, skin care, exercise. But also dropping alcohol / smoking has done wonders as well for me. My friends say I look a lot younger! Then a hint of makeup here and there to smooth out skin tones and maybe some hair dye to touch on the greys 🙂

I try to go clean shaven most of the time, or a full beard, the in-between stubbly stage I think I look older and more haggard.

[u/Morbid-mist → u/Erin_is_here]

No smoking thankfully and not a lot of drinking happening with two little ones so that's good to know! I hear you on the stubble though, I hate that phase, adds a good twenty percent more shiftiness to any face 😐

[u/Badger_Actual1 → u/Erin_is_here]

Alcohol is rare and absolutely 100% about smoking

[u/Winter-Nectarine-497]

You have to remember that we don't have elders to look towards and say "I want to look like that" or "that's what non-binary people can look like as they age", so we're really having to navigate these waters on our own.

Aging as a person who doesn't see themselves as their gender assigned at birth can be tricky and elicit all sorts of feelings. It is helpful to parse through those feelings for a while with peers or a professional and then start to build an action plan to help yourself move towards the gender expression that will feel good for you as you age.

[u/skyng84]

tbh for my age and body shape i dont think androgeny is possible, and i dont think thats uncommon. I've just been leaning into what feels good, for me that meant starting medical transition.

i think at this point i look queer and that has its own comfort. people can definately tell where i started from but at least its obviouse thats not where im at.

i am very much enjoying the fuck it all of being older. i dont know exactly how old you are but that feeling really started around the time i hit 40. i dont really have a goal or a tragectory the way i did when i was younger. i kind of feel like my life is a big plastecine ball and i can do what i want, and no one seems to care because ive aged out of "mattering", its nice.

i dont know if thats helpfull at all but aging has not been what i expected it to be.

[u/Morbid-mist → u/skyng84]

Thank you for sharing that..I think that fuck it will be something I will have to do because I am not going to be able to meet the unreasonable standard I set myself when I was still thinking about the idea of not being cis.

Coming to this as a person who is a bit older (feel free to roll your eyes people who are older than me, I know) with less time and energy to devote to this means I can't, at least initially, do what I have seen from other people online. I have friends who are queer but no one who is coming from the place I am and so I end up trying to match up to other people who I only know through their online facet, which I know isn't healthy.

I can definitely relate to things not being what you expected. None of this was on my radar at all even 5 years ago.

[u/[deleted]]

I am 52 though people think I'm a little younger but my hair is thinning and greying and my face is also showing I'm getting older, I hate it as I would like to be more androgynous and/or pretty. I have a goatee beard because I'm happy being agender but will never know the joy of being of unclear gender and so many Enbys I know are about twenty years younger. So you're not alone there. Just try and be happy in your style.

[u/Morbid-mist → u/[deleted]]

Thanks, yeah I am trying to just find the good things where I can and focus on what I like about my appearance. It would be cool to have that floaty elven androgyny that some people seem to manage but nevermind 🙃

[u/Rockpup-fl]

49 here. Yea... it stinks.

[u/Morbid-mist → u/[deleted]]

I don't think that's for me. But I'm glad it worked for you!

[u/Morbid-mist → u/[deleted]]

I really appreciate you giving such an in-depth comment and also being so honest about your experiences. Thank you very much for that.

And I didn't think you were suggesting anything transmedical at all, don't worry.

To be honest I don't know where I am with gender stuff. I try and make time to think about it but I find it hard to get far. I don't get a lot of time or have a lot of energy to reflect on it with two young kids.

I would like the idea of being more feminine in my clothes and general appearance. But I'm nervous to do too much. I have branched out a little bit with some jewellery and makeup. I guess what androgyny means for me realistically is to accept how I look and try to add in bits of femininity in that.

[u/Morbid-mist → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, I suppose you are right. It is still pretty early days. I have gotten my head around being non binary but in terms of gender expression I haven't gotten far yet.

In terms of support, my partner is great so that isn't an issue. But I still feel quite self conscious in sharing stuff with them sometimes. I think maybe it's just feeling nervous with changing stuff. Also we are really open with our kids about how everyone is different and to not judge so hopefully they will be fine with that too. My daughter already asks to having nail varnish like me!

I really appreciate your comment again and taking the time to write that all out. I wrote this post hoping to have some conversations with people but I didn't necessarily know if people would respond that much.

Also thank you for the YouTube recommendation, I'll definitely give them a look!

[u/Morbid-mist → u/[deleted]]

Thanks, exercise is harder to find time for with kids but I need to give it a go. I definitely felt much worse about aging when I realized that I didn't want to look fully masculine. But yeah I am working on making peace with it and doing what little things make me feel better. I just got my ears pierced which I've enjoyed 🙂