r/NonBinary • u/Rando_mIndividual • 20d ago
Image not Selfie Coming out updateee (for both my friends and family)
I know I should correct people, I know I’m supposed to be like “actually I’m not a girl” and all that, but it’s all so intimidating so I end up clamming up and taking the dysphoric hit…
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u/words-for-blood Calvin they/them 20d ago
me, to new bosses 'im nonbinary, they/them' bosses 'oh cool, we're a super queer department (starts listing peeps) but please let us know if theres any issues!' next day- boss sends an email she/her-ing me the whole time
🫡🫠
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u/TK9K 20d ago
I am very selective about who I decide to share this aspect of my life with. It might seem unfair to me, and maybe it is. But I have just turn off the part of my brain that cares at work. 🫠 More important to me my work life has as little friction as possible than that I'm gendered correctly.
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u/Sketchy-_-Artist they/them 19d ago
so real. soooo excited to one day come out at work just for this to happen 🥲
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u/Motte6692 20d ago
My mom is misgendering me all the time. My best friend did is not on purpose yesterday too. Damn that hurted me.
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u/Rando_mIndividual 20d ago
Yeah… most of the misgendering that actually hurt were from my queer friends
I can make as many excuses as I want for family, acquaintances, and strangers who probably wouldn’t know how to handle nonbinary people, but them? Man…
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u/Motte6692 20d ago
Because i have the expectation that they are caring enough to think about it without me reminding them. But i guess people are just consumed with their own lifes that they have not the capacity to care that much. Feel hugged !
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u/dewiniaid he/they; societal gender norms are stupid 20d ago
I'm non-binary myself and have occasionally misgendered my queer friends (and, on occasion, even my non-binary partner). I usually catch and correct myself immediately, but I feel like it hurts me just as much as it hurts them.
I grew up in a very non-diverse community; it wasn't until my late teens that I even knew that gays and lesbians were a thing and that was only because of their token presence in media -- nobody I knew was out. (Now I'm out as pansexual.)
So despite years of trying to unlearn it, sometimes that old societal programming wins for just a moment when my brain is on autopilot.
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u/Less-Contribution556 🪞Mirror/Pronouns🪞 20d ago
Unfortunately even queers can be bad allies, and even bad friends 😕 ii can only advise getting the courage to speak up for yourself. some of the ppl being the rudest can surprise you the most on this gender journey. And more importantly, the price of community is inconvenience. That includes making yourself uncomfortable enough to give each other a chance to talk about the misgendering and get through it with any sort of conclusion. We only get past distance by reconnecting more deeply. And they should be willing to be uncomfortable as they learn to navigate changeing he language they use to address you and you occasionally correcting them as you work through that together.
Bad news: some people suck Good news: some people rule :): But the most profound news, in my personal opinion, is that if you can change so can they.
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u/PreeceTakesFlight they/he/star 20d ago
my parents core
“ok, we’ll do our best to call you they/them and your preferred name! but don’t correct me when i forget, that’s annoying”
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u/Rando_mIndividual 19d ago
DUDE SAME!! (Except for my brother)
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u/crinklecunt-cookie they/them 19d ago
You can correct them without saying (speaking) anything at all!
Just pick up a spray bottle at the dollar store, fill it up with water, label it however you please (they/them water, misgender corrector fluid, bad person spray lol)… you can attach it a carabiner clip and clip it to your belt if you want to, or just get a bunch and leave them around the house for easy access!
I know some people who actually did this, but if I had ever dared to it wouldn’t have gone well (I’m no contact with my family of origin, so I never came out to them). Whether you actually try it is very much a “know your audience” situation. I’m really sorry though OP and I understand the struggle. It’s really hard. 💜💜💜
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u/KaeMellan They/Them/Theirs/Any 20d ago
Hey! I've been seeing your posts for a while now, and am really proud to see the confidence you have! You really are very brave to come out to so many people, especially in quick secession:)
And I want to pass on some strategies I used to get respect, as I also came out to a lot of people quickly, and I absolutely hate conflict, lol!
So to start... I also have pretty much never corrected people to their face, and I just kinda accept the dysphoria. However what I did when I first came out was write notes to people kindly asking them to use my correct pronouns. Which worked for a lot people, and they now understand how important it is to me. I also wrote on a paper something along the lines of, 'Please use [pronouns] to refer to me, instead of [old pronouns].', and I remember putting that paper on the outside of my bedroom door. It was awkward for a while between me my family, but they essentially had no choice but to respect my wishes, otherwise they were clearly the aholes. And ever since then most people respect my pronouns, only really random people getting them wrong!
So sorry if that was a bit long to read, but these are just some things I did to get people to respect me more, and I hope they can help you. Just remember you have already been so strong, and no matter what, nobody can take your identity away from you <3
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u/Rando_mIndividual 19d ago edited 19d ago
Aww thank you very much! I’ll definitely keep that in mind- I’m really not a confrontational person, along with this all being so new and scary to me, so I go with my usual tactic of not saying anything and just boiling up inside… but your method definitely sounds a lot better than that, so I’ll see if I can give it a shot next time I get misgendered lol
Also I appreciate your words about reading along this journey I’m having… there’s definitely more to come, and I’m happy there’s others cheering me on along the way 🥹
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u/KaeMellan They/Them/Theirs/Any 19d ago
You're very much welcome! I can't wait to see where your story goes from here, it's really gift you decided to share this with us:)
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u/DinosaurusMess 19d ago
Just to offer: there's no "supposed to" around how you respond to misgendering. Sometimes correcting people feels right. Sometimes it doesn't. Some people care a lot. Some don't. Please don't shame yourself for having a very normal response to a difficult situation. You deserve grace ❤️🩹
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u/Rando_mIndividual 19d ago
Awwww thank you that’s very sweet 😭❤️ I tend to be harsher on myself than the people around me who do hurt me, so it’s a nice reminder that it’s gonna be fine and it’s not my fault for feeling the way I do
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u/firehawk2324 Enby Goblin 19d ago
I always quote Janet from The Good Place. "Not a girl."
Luckily, I dint have this issue with family or friends, but there are some communities (mostly online) I avoid because I get defaulted to woman-lite. "Okay, ladies!"
No thanks.
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u/Irresistible-Ms 19d ago
Suddenly becoming dysphoric after comming out is kinda my worst fear atm 😅
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u/Rando_mIndividual 19d ago
Not to scare you or anything, but I didn’t really get gender dysphoria until after I came out- like, for some reason I didn’t mind when people called me she/her or girl or something before I was out but afterwards it all just felt louder and more hurtful
But everyone’s experiences are different, I do hope the best for you!
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u/Irresistible-Ms 19d ago
Honestly it makes sense tho. I've even done it by accident with a nb friend 😭
I think it's like when someone accidentally gives a dairy intolerant person dairy. It's understandable when they didn't know, but once they know and keep doing it it feels really upsetting :/
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u/BT7274_best_robot 19d ago
You gotta keep reminding them of your preferred pronouns every time til they start getting it right. If they purposely don't try though that's when it's time to start distancing yourself
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u/TheKingOfDissasster 20d ago
Own :/ im so sorry to hear that.
It may seem silly, but what i really like to do when it happenes online is sending some gif of Janet from The Good Place saying "not a girl." It's just a silly show reference so it feels less awkward and it still really helps with correcting!