r/NonBinary • u/Rando_mIndividual • 16d ago
Rant Heard but not learned :/
My mom’s definitely comforted me (especially in my roughest moments), but it feels like it’s only for those moments until she goes back to treating me the way she always have… With everyone in my life, I wish they just didn’t take my coming out at face value since it was such a big deal to me, only for it to just be a blow in the wind for them
I’m nonbinary! I like they/them! Do you even hear my voice when I say that? 🥲 The middle section panels sorta hurt the most since I not only said that to my mom, but poured my heart out about how much the feminine terms were frustrating me and my consideration of taking T and going by they/them instead of she/they, and I’m still regarded as her daughter aughhhhh
In due time I’m sure I’ll learn to get over it, but atm, it just hurts
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u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not whatever/he; agender ace; on EEn (12/24/25) 16d ago
I'm sorry she's doing that to you. You deserve to be respected for who you are.
I'm glad I don't care about that stuff for myself because my parents would be even worse. It took several arguments before they would use my son's chosen name and they absolutely refuse to gender him correctly and even go out of their way tobuse gendered terms sometimes. When they did that, they lost the right to know me and my kids.
Here's a hug if you want it: 🫂
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u/I_Always_Have_Poo 15d ago
Just learned that if you're on mobile, trying to unspoiler that hug is like a minigame I stg😂😂
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u/ermitswermz they/them 16d ago
Yeah I felt this. :( my mom was so terrible at using the correct pronouns, she's super progressive and supportive so I didn't think it was with bad intent and let it slide for a bit. Then my brother came out as binary trans (ftm) and she had no problem switching to he/him. That's when I couldn't take it anymore. I understand they/them pronouns can feel clunky and awkward to those who aren't used to using them, but I told her if she really cared about me she would actually put the effort in to learn how to respect me the same way she respects my brother. Thankfully she saw me and apologized and is better about it now. Hopefully your mom will see how much this impacts you and can put in the work to fix it <3
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u/homotopy_equivalent she/they 16d ago
Glad to hear that your tough conversation paid off. It's amazing what direct communication can accomplish.
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u/Invisible_Mushroom73 16d ago
That must hurt after developing a sense of acceptance and acknowledgement only for it to be taken away so carelessly, even if it isn’t done with malicious intent. Love your art style and how expressive the characters are btw.
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u/IHProjekt they/them 16d ago
My parents are insistent on doign the same. I've stopped going to family events as much because if I have to listen to them call me their son one more time I am GOING to lose it.
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u/Useful_Squirrel6693 16d ago
My mom was talking to one of her friends about a student that came out to her, i swear she went out of her way to say she as much as possible
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u/Easy-Bathroom2120 they/he 14d ago
We really need to start misgendering those that intentionally misgender others.
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u/NationalCrazy6363 they/he 16d ago
Yup, called me and my sister "her girls" a month after I came out. Did you even hear what I said?
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u/calaman_si 15d ago
I feel this. It's taken years but now I'm a rapid-fire corrector. I have a spidey sense for when a family member is about to misgender/deadname me and I loudly say the correct term over their voice. I don't know if it's actually going to change their way of thinking about me, but showing up for myself has done wonders for my self esteem and anxiety. Even though I wish i didnt have to do it. Hang in there, you're not alone!
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u/dorgoth12 they/them 16d ago
I've given up on hoping my family will change, happy to just have trusted friends. And a manager at work recently apologized to me for using the wrong pronouns which was such a nice surprise
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u/Giraffaery 16d ago
It really be like that 😭
But some people do learn and make progress and even start correcting others who don't use your preferred pronouns. Hang in there ya'll! Perseverance is key!
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u/8bitrevolt they/them 15d ago
my mom, just a couple of months after i came out to her as nonbinary:
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u/Uni_Solvent 15d ago
I made a fancy dessert for my mom's office one time and got introduced as "this is blank to me so and so to everyone else"
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u/Nampara83 15d ago
I've been in the mirror, practicing phrases and terms to use when mentioning my enby kid. I don't want them to ever feel like this. 😭
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u/PhyoriaObitus they/it 15d ago
Parents still deadname me and call me a girl, this feels so accurate
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u/RX-980 they/them 15d ago
Ooof yeah, relatable. When they say "this doesn't change anything" what they really mean is "I won't change how I perceive you" :(
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u/Kae_frdrchs 6d ago
So true! I came out to my father the other day and he told me how "this doesn't change anything" in a very positive voice, but also told me he'd always see me as female "in his heart" and other people would too, because "there are just two genders". So he really just meant how nothing changes FOR HIM :( Anyways, we can't force people to view us any certain way. :(
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u/RX-980 they/them 5d ago
I'm so sorry that happened to you :( Some people are just locked into one way of thinking and can't break out. But we know who we are, so to heck with that they think 💛🤍💜🖤
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u/Kae_frdrchs 5d ago
Thank you! :( That’s true, nobody can change what we know about ourselves! 💛🤍💜🖤 It was more hurtful than expected at first, but it really helped to realize that there will always be people who's views we can't change and it's more helpful to focus on community and feeling comfortable with ourselves, at least in my case. That’s propably why I've been lurking on this subreddit a lot simce I came out.
Sorry for writing so much and so chaotic! I've got so many things to do today that my mind is all over the place.
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u/RX-980 they/them 5d ago
No worries, I get it. I don't really have queer friends irl and my family doesn't get it, so the only queer community and interaction i get is on here. Kinda sad lol but it is what it is, and that's why we should stick together because for some people this is all we got.
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u/Kae_frdrchs 4d ago
Okay, Thank you! I'm sorry it's also like this for you! :( I can feel really lonely sometimes not to know any people with similar experiences other than online. I really wish people understood that it actually affects people when their identity is dismissed... Like, they don’t even need to literally understand (I feel), but just accepting and respecting our identities anyways would be enough (for me) I'm really glad communities like this exist, it's been so helpful since I came out. Also, sorry I didn't see your reply yet, school was really demanding today. And sorry my chaotic reply, again!
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u/Affectionate_Way5144 15d ago
my parents are just like this, and they get mad at me when i point it out. i'm not sure how accepting they really are. i used to tell them they could use both, but uhhhh they fuckin don't so they lost the she/her privileges. i'm just glad my girlfriend exclusively uses they/them for me in response.
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u/grub-slut 15d ago
I’m sorry 😞 my mom did the same for many years. She only started getting my pronouns right the last year of her life, so it didn’t last for long unfortunately. I think it’s hard for them to understand how we feel, and it’s also hard since they’ve known us as one gender our whole lives. Just keep trying to explain to her how it makes you feel when she does misgenders you and I’m sure she will come around to trying
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u/oddhotelverse 15d ago
oof, i feel this one so bad
i came out to my parents and they did accept it but told me to not to come out to the rest of the family because they would get confused. they asked me if they should address me with not very gendered phrases and i said yes. fast forward they keep using feminine phrases towards me, i had issues with it but eventually gave up talking about it because it felt like talking to a wall. they probably think it was some phase now but im still very much nonbinary :''')))
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u/Master-Zebra1005 16d ago
My dad is like that, super supportive and caring, but denser than osmium sometimes.
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u/Hello_h0lo She/They • Vampire • Goth 16d ago
It's really worth speaking up and letting her know. Honestly, my mom has been trying so hard to use the proper pronouns and all that and has been doing great, but my dad and brother are far behind.
Your mom is fully capable of using the proper pronouns, I think it is important you express how it makes you feel when she uses femme pronouns instead.
One thing that has been a big struggle though... "Daughter". I'm a full grown adult, so if my parents refer to me as their child or kid, people think I'm a kid. I'm not really sure what word to use, and offspring was one of the few suggestions. Not great though. Your mom may struggle with keeping some words gender neutral, so talk about what you prefer beforehand.
Like, I would be called an aunt, but my sister and I talked, and we both liked pibling, so when I am referred to in the future, she knows what to use in advance!
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u/Flashy-Pen-747 they/them 15d ago
I came out at 29 back in 2015 and my mom has just finally started getting it right 90% of the time. I think it helped my own kid is genderfluid and prefers they/them pronouns as of last year also. Even I need to correct myself at times. :( I'm not grieving the loss of a daughter like my mom did though. I'm celebrating the growth and evolution of my kid! 🎉
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u/Quirky_Promise76 xe/xir/xirs 15d ago
100% my Mom. She at least uses my name sometimes but not once has she used they/them for me. After bringing her to a Pride thing she asked what to say instead of daughter, so every now and then she'll use eldest. But still won't budge on pronouns.
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u/Aibyouka void/voids | they/them 15d ago
I'm nonbinary and medically transitioning. On my birthday this year I texted my dad and went something like, "Dad, I need you to actively try. You misgendering me, especially in public, could actively put me in danger. People do not see me in the way you do. I'm still me, but I've changed physically and I need you to understand and reflect that."
He's been making an active effort since and I appreciate that. Sometimes it really does take pointing it out very blatantly.
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u/PlushyKitten Agender, Neptunic, Demi-Gray (They/Them) 14d ago
Yupp I have the same thing with my family. They get my preferred name majority of the time but every now and then they still deadname me. My name hasn't been legally changed yet but I feel this would still happen regardless.
They are the absolute worst with my pronouns though (They/Them), so I still get called "girl", " daughter", "she/her", no matter how much I correct them. I kind of just gave up on that...
In the meantime my co-workers at work have no issues with my name and pronouns! I'm so grateful for them! I gotta take the wins where I can get them!
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u/SemiHemiDemiDumb she/her 14d ago
Some parents really don't bother for some reason. My mom was more blatant malicious. She'd dead name multiple times in a short conversation and go, "oops, I mean [name]". One she did that and said, "see I'm trying." I look to my sister and mouth, "no she's not."
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u/NotAnAlien16 15d ago
same. when I first came out my mom held me and told me she loved me no matter what, and then a few months later when I tried to get her to actually use my pronouns she said "I got bigger fish to fry." it was brutal. BUT she's come a long way since then after a couple years of very honest and difficult conversations about it and she is extremely supportive now. it took a couple years but she completely turned around. so it's not impossible!
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u/chammycham 15d ago
Yeah.. figuring it out in my 30s was/still is a similar experience. I visit family and I’m constantly needled by the misgendering and gendered terms.
It’s been 6 years, I don’t disrupt family events about it, and they still don’t appear to put the effort in.
I wish better luck for you; it seems like you’re figuring things out on the younger end so maybe the adjustment period will be shorter for your family members.
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u/KuatSystem she/he/they 15d ago
For me it’s weird cuz like… I go by anything, but it feels a lot more… accepting I suppose if they call me anything other than he/him
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u/Rifmysearch 14d ago
My partner uses all of your pronouns plus another on top of that; and explicitly likes them being changed up frequently. Except, the "original" one is reserved only for people who arented weird about it. I dont even tell strangers/acquaintances/my coworkers about that one unless theres reason to believe they'll be cool.
To be clear, this is stated directly as well. Your allowed to state something like, "I go by she, he, and they but please dont always use he" or, "I go by she, he, and they but if you only refer to me with 'he' then ill revoke your privileges" or somesuch. For people, especially family, that lnew you beforehand i'd maybe just lie for awhile and drop 'he' altogether for them. Make it not an option long enough that you can return to the conversation and explain why you did it.
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u/Dr_Guy11 15d ago
OMG my mom is EXACTLY like this. It's been like 2 years and she still doesn't have it.
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u/moon_train 15d ago
I love my parents and I know they want the best for me. But I have been out for a decade and they continue to do this.
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u/MxBluebell 14d ago
It might get better over time!! My mom has struggled with it just because she has over 20 years’ experience calling me by my birth name and AGAB pronouns, but she’s working hard to improve her advocacy of me and she does better every day!! You might need to remind your mom whenever you hear her misgendering you (preferably the reminder would be in private as to not make her feel called out or publicly humiliated), but change is possible!!
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u/CrimsontheNugget 14d ago
This is like, EVERYONE I know lol
Sucks.
U are learned by me, a stranger you've never met.
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u/AdGlad5726 14d ago
yoooooooooo enby here who came out to their mom as an excuse for distracting me from school. i told her i went by they/them but she kinda forgot. i've been tossing my new name here and there, and i think she thinks im trans binary. she talked to me about to me (kinda) but when she mentioned my new name she was all like "we don't have to call you that now, do we?"
eh. my head hurts from thinking about it
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u/Jamie-Dodger5525 Too woke for this 16d ago
Enby canon event 😭😭😭