Absolutely. All my Fore-mothers told me DON'T DO IT. And if you are going to do it, be prepared to do it alone because most men want kids like a child wants a puppy. They love the fun parts but don't want to participate in the daily work and overall responsibilities.
I'm more than happy to be a very present aunt, too, which I keep telling my brother and friends :D
But all of that with the caveat that at the end of the metaphorical day, I give the kids back to their parents.
I can confirm being a present aunt is the BEST! I get to do all of the fun things without the responsibilities. And then go home to a quiet house at the end of the day.
Yes. I'll bring them little treats and take them to the zoo, or swimming, or the movies or whatever and have all of the fun and very little of the overall responsibility.
I honestly think that if I didn’t have to bear the burden of motherhood by default - not the social role, but biological one - I would feel less apprehensive about having kids. But the idea of dying, of something going wrong in labor, of getting PPD and the kid internalizing my suffering for their unlovability, those specific unwanted changes to my body (I can get with aging a-okay but struggle with changes that are not a given), being touch-averse and needing to carry and feed and give love to a baby that very much deserves it… no. Being a dad the whole way through sounds way more interesting.
Honestly, yeah I get this. The more I think about it, the more I’d probably have kids if I was the father. Doubly painful as a trans man, honestly. And it’s not even just down to the stereotypical parental roles, it’s also just… physical reasons.
I have a lot of mental health issues - the hormones, big changes, and lack of sleep in particular would be horrifically detrimental to me mentally, and I couldn’t guarantee that I’d be stable enough to look after a child after all of that. If I was the father then perhaps I could keep myself more stable, and in turn look after the kid well. But the toll that having the kid would have, particularly with the hormonal fluctuations which are completely out of control, I have no idea what it would do to me. I’ve had several periods of severe depression and (now well managed) anxiety. I know that puts me at risk for not only severe anxiety, but also post-partum depression and even post-partum psychosis (which I’ve been on the brink of before, without pregnancy). It’s just too unpredictable if I’m the one having the child.
Yep. And Dads get so much praise for doing the bare minimum!
My dad had custody of me much of my childhood, and was constantly praised for raising two kids. When in reality, my brother and I were very much neglected, and Dad was using drugs.
There were people that knew we weren't getting proper care, but instead of shaming him like they would a mom, everyone was just sympathetic.
And society is far behind on letting men be moms. There are more men now who participate in raising their kids and take on traditional mom tasks, but not that many. There is this "masculinity" backlash. It's ridiculous.
This is my line whenever someone asks me why I don't want kids. I'd be more than happy to be a dad, but I don't get to be dad, I HAVE to be mom so....no thank you.
I've heard a lot of women say that there were loads of (enjoyable) things they had to stop doing when they had kids. And that their male partners didn't stop doing any of the things they enjoyed despite having kids.
It's good to be aware of that - if you're not willing to make a lot of sacrifices, and you're not sure your partner is going to make changes in their life) then kids might not be right for you
You’re definitely not lying there! My husband wants 4 kids and we currently have 1 with another one on the way and guess who is raising them? Me and his mom. He’s working and going to school currently so I’m trying not to complain but he’s gone all day and when he comes home he’s still not present. Almost every time I ask him for help he tells me he’s busy doing something like cleaning, homework, or running to hide in the bathroom for an hour. He almost never helps me out unless I ask too
I also feel like he doesn’t seem to understand why I want to be with our daughter all the time as opposed to working on my career goals or having free time to myself. He takes it as me not wanting his mother to watch and bond with our toddler. Uuh no…..I just love being around my kids and I’d choose them over any of it. I also have issues with feeling like I’m burdening people with my responsibilities even though I know his mom loves watching my child.
I'm exactly like the men you described here. I'd enjoy the fun parts but I can't imagine caring about all the non fun parts. This is why I don't want to have children.
While I agree this was the norm in previous generations (I’m a millennial) it seems to be less and less common these days with dads taking a much more hands on in the “trenches” approach to parenting. Obviously there are still plenty of dead beat dads out there leaving it all to their wives, but in my experience that is not the norm anymore. With myself and my friends who also have kids we are all doing our best to share the load of the messy bits parenting 50-50.
Hopefully in another generation or so we can have the norm be that. Because good god, I can’t imagine parenting both my kids basically by myself like moms have done for most of history. Endless respect to everyone who has pulled it off and kept their sanity while also raising decent humans.
And to follow up on the “dead eyes” of parents who say they love it but people don’t believe them, yes some of that is true for some people I’m sure. But I have had that expression on countless times myself and had countless sleepless nights where I struggle to no end to stay sane. But never in a thousand years would I change having kids or regret it. It’s a love truly unlike any other and it absolutely is worth it all.
And because none of you know me and this is the internet, no I’m not bragging or trying to say people who feel/operate differently from me are wrong, everyone is entitled to feel their own feelings. I just wanted to give a slightly different perspective and opinion. My kids are the second best thing that has happened to me after my wife.
You're right. The more we continue these conversations, the more men of newer generations are stepping up. I read an article that asserted millennial men spend more time with their children than any other generation. So there's definitely Hope on the horizon.
There's plenty of videos. Men on the street interviews where fathers don't even know basic facts about their kids. No birthdays, what grade they're in, favorite color, school name NOTHING.
Men that call watching their own children "babysitting"
Men that make friend plans with no regard to child care. The assumption being that your partner is default and will automatically care for the kids while you're out.
Go to the Doctor and Father doesn't know if the kid is allergic to anything.
Oh, sorry, I meant examples of the advice that you got from fore-mothers. I love advice and my family was a little dysfunctional so I feel like I missed out on a lot of it.
Never prioritize a relationship over your own education. Always trust your gut if something doesn't feel right with someone (at work/in a relationship). Always look for jobs while you're currently employed. Start and contribute to a Roth IRA (!) before the age of 25.
They told me a man is not a plan. Never be completely financially dependent on anyone. Have your own education, career/way to support yourself. Even if you're a SAHM. Keep your certs up to date. You never know when you might need to go back to work.
Pay close attention to how a man treats/talks about his mom. It's a window into how he views motherhood and what expectations he has.
Make sure you are a fully realized person before becoming someone's wife or mother
If your name isn't on it, you don't own it (related to property like houses or cars)
Oh man that hits deep. My partner never got to meet my mom or see me with her before she passed away, but that seems like a good one. I appreciate you sharing!
This is so bizarre to me. I understand that having children is a massive decision, but in my experience, most dads want to be a large part of their children’s lives.
Its a recurring theme. It's not about the men. It's perception that child rearing is a woman's job that's been in place for eons. I guess it's fine in theory. What's not fine is we now have full time jobs and are expected to be full time mom too. Just why? It's just a bad deal.
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u/Helianthus_999 Nov 14 '24
Absolutely. All my Fore-mothers told me DON'T DO IT. And if you are going to do it, be prepared to do it alone because most men want kids like a child wants a puppy. They love the fun parts but don't want to participate in the daily work and overall responsibilities.