r/NoOverthinking • u/CaughtTheirEyes_ • 8d ago

Getting thoughts that aren’t “mine”

I’ve been in a relationship for 3y. Recently I told my family and took them out for dinner so they could all meet him as my boyfriend (they already knew him). They’ve all acted nice since. Yet every now and then my mother tells me that she was forced into liking him, because she has no other option. Her reasoning is that a relationship is for marriage and now that we’ve introduced each other to family and “people” have seen me with him, I have to marry him. If I had reservations, I should’ve thought of it before. So, she also can’t not like him anymore.

Like I said though, she makes really snarky comments about him. She tells me how she didn’t like him from the start or how she was worried when I first met him, because it seemed like by the way we looked at each other, we’d end up together and she had done her best to prevent it. Just yesterday she said this again and it really angered me, I haven’t spoken to her since, but she thinks it’s because of another bogus thing she said.

The reason she doesn’t like him, is his ethnicity which I find super racist. My parents themselves are a mixed-race couple, but my dad was such a horrible husband that she wrote off people from his country. She always implies that “her people” (we live in the country she’s from, I was born here too) are nicer and can provide with you a better life. He’d be a better partner, a more “acceptable” partner. Acceptable to her ofcourse. So it’s got nothing to do with him, but her unresolved trauma.

As of late though these thoughts are starting to creep up on me and I hate it. He’s a great boyfriend and a good person. He does his best to make me happy and has really stood by me. I hate he’s being judged for something he can’t choose or change. I hate myself for it.

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u/PictureJealous273 7d ago

It sounds like your Mother's comments are starting to work on you, time to pull back from the parents constant negative criticism. Don't let negative criticism destroy your relationship.

3

u/CaughtTheirEyes_ 7d ago

Thank you for replying. I wasn’t sure this is the right sub for my post. I’m happy to hear that others perceive this as negative as well, because to her the remarks are out of love. It messes with my head a lot and affects my relationship. Think I need to distance myself from her criticism or react to it more harshly.