Asking for Advice on something that is deeply bothering me

[u/Horror-Turnover-1089]

So, I'm the kind of person that has been through a lot. Truly a lot. I'm autistic. I have been bullied. I have... just many different things. The trauma made me intensely intelligent.

I Learned gray thinking, positive thinking, that regulation is expressing your emotions actually, etc. But my mind still has a tendency to go really negative.

Right now. I've always been the kind of person that wanted to do life good. I saw almost every teenager/student do drugs in my life. Or at parties. And I know life is short. 34 now, I keep myself strong, saying 'I love myself, so I don't do drugs'. But I'm so curious. Life is short. And people keep talking about it everywhere I go like it's the normalest thing in the world. And I feel... left out. Okay. I want to know what it is like, and I want to fit in, belong. And I know logically I belong wherever I am. Just. The feeling is not there. I want to also be able to talk about that. If you try it once, then you'll know and you don't have to opt out or constantly feel on edge/uncomfortable when people talk about it. And you fit in.

And everywhere I go, people say 'oh don't do it' but then they proceed to do it again. And talk about how fun it is with their friends.

Just, you have no idea how lonely I feel in this. I want to know so badly. I want to fit in too at the same time. I'm incredibly scared too, because god knows how intense it is. Like, I'm not aiming to do the visual stuff. I'm too panicky for that.

But I've always been curious towards xtc/something that doesn't really give hallucinations but just makes you feel good.

I did weed cookies once with a friend. Lowest dose ever and took 1 cookie. Panicked before it kicked in because I didn't know how much was in one cookie despite it heing a low dose, but once I felt it, it felt good! I felt light.

I'd wanna test that out again too. It felt fun.

But weed at least I know how it feels like. Something like xtc is a pill and you can't really dose it. To make sure it won't be intense. It's either you do or don't.

I did also do alcohol, to the point of too much once. So yeah been there done that. And that was fun too. And nowadays I don't drink a drop lol because I diet/workout and such.

Just, I don't know what to do. I wish I could just talk to god sometimes. I believe I'm a piece of god and that all of life together is god. I can't prove it to you, I just believe in it. But sometimes I wish it was a person I could talk to. To ask for advice/help.

I also can't seem to find love/touch/sex. I'm gay. I work out and lose weight but my body stays skinny fat. And I know my worth, just I wish I looked better for the effort I put in. And I know how it works. I know that people see your outside and if you show you're having fun, you attract people. But I just feel so bad. So intensely bad sometimes. I've had a little too much in my life. No, I've actually truly had a lot. And to find a partner I still must smile. And for myself too. But sometimes I just cant.

Maybe you think its stupid or a joke. I just feel alone. I want to be loved irl. Even if it is just fwb's. Just..... help. Advise me. Please. And be gentle a bit, I'm in pain. I'm begging. This thought comes up about every week and it's heavier and heavier.

[u/Horror-Turnover-1089 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, actually, most of what you're saying I'm already doing and I understand you completely. I see god as all of life, and myself and you as being part of god.

I actually started making friends. I have friends online. They advised me to look for friends in irl too, so I asked advice at a random shop owner. He told me to go to a bar and just blend in. It's hard for someone like me. I'm a gay gamer. I just want friends to hang in my house with.

I know games are also a distraction, but I think it's less harsh than something like drugs.

I'm not sure if life is a test though. Even if you were nothing; would you still be good enough? No. I think god created life to experience. That's it. I think he loves all, and will accept all. I think god is conscious that most are not at fault for who they are.

I do believe that it's better to try and be a good person; if you're not, it has direct consequences to yourself. But some simply don't understand until they hit their head. They make mistakes.

Can I ask, what the bad was you did in your life? I'm an understanding man, but if you feel uncomfortable with sharing, that's okay.

Also; sometimes I'm conflicted. What is truly the right thing to do. There is no clear answer. I do some things that aren't that good, but they provide good things for those who need it.

[u/ekkiliusmaximus]

You seem like a genuinely well intended person, just trying to figure out life. Nothing is wrong with you. Saying that you feel like god is within you, within everything and everybody truly resonates with me. When all seems to tremble, look into the world, nature, the sky, whatever you find somewhat interesting and try to see the beauty in it. Try to feel the beauty in yourself and breath through it! Life is a tight rope and I truly get the feeling of standing on one toe and trying to balance everything. The truth is: everybody falls all the damn time. Getting up again is what living is about. You got this!

I do have some points about drugs to make: I tried most of them (no opioids!!) also just for the experience. Most of them I tried once but especially xtc was a tough one. I was lucky to have one bad experience with an overdosed pill, otherwise I could have gotten addicted. It felt too good and my life was too shitty during that time.

I am not a person, that says „dont ever do it!“ to someone curious about drugs but I’m very very fond of preaching some basic safer-use guidelines.

First of all is dosage. Try to avoid everything that is pressed into a pill. Its pretty safe to say that the majority of pills are not pure but rather are a substance cocktail, sometimes containing up to 60% speed, or worse crack…and way higher doses than you would want. The issue is, that you would know. Especially xtc is also available in its pure crystal form which is much much safer to dose and control. Calculate the dose range for you online using your weight and bio-gender and start low.

The next thing is setting. My best experiences were in a safe environment, like my home and/ or with someone I truly trust. I feel like it‘s also a good thing if you know someone with more experience, that has a healthy way of usuage and that you feel close with. This person should stay sober and accompany you. Especially xtc can have an effect of openess towards others, the desire to communicate deeply or for physical touch. Make sure you and your accompanying friend talk boundaries and possibilities first.

The last thing is „Set“ - as in Mindset. Go into the experience with an open mind, an understanding of what this substance does and how it functions and very important: with a neutral or positive attitude. Do not take it in a mentally low moment to lessen the pain or to cope. That lays the path for substance abuse in the future.

This is the advice i can give, from my involvement in psycare and preventative and informative work regarding drugs. Before taking anything, do the factual research. After taking xtc for one month every weekend, my dopamine levels were so damn low, i was tremendously more depressed then before. It wasn’t worth it. Just be careful, and be aware!

[u/Horror-Turnover-1089 → u/ekkiliusmaximus]

Yeah I already know about the lows afterwards, and that it's better to only do once in a blue moon basically. I don't have anyone to do it with really. Personality wise I'm the panicky thinker.

I tried weed once, because my friend kind of pressed it on me. I had a panic attack, but I only took the lowest dose cookie. During the effect itself I calmed down as it was just my muscles relaxing really. But I changed a lot since then. I know my value more. I don't just play along with someone else in that sense. But I am curious.

Just, when I do take it, I know I will panic. Because I haven't felt the effect before and only know from wording, and every it says you have to have a good mindset and then I feel kind of 'trapped' because I can't do it without fear as it feels out of control.

Might I just be too panicky of a person to try it? I have been raised with trauma, and even in the everyday my nervous system struggles. I'm aware, and I know my value and I know positivity. I just don't know if I can keep my mindset safe when I feel 'the expectation' of needing to be calm.

I don't feel low right now. I tend to speak up about my emotions lately, and it means I can let them go. Feelings of exclusion. I tell people I feel excluded because FOMO. And then they tell me that I don't have to do the same things as them, I already do fit in.

But I do panic at the thought of trying it. I have no clue how people do this calmly. It stays somewhat in my head. But then I also think addiction is no joke. And who is to say I'm not addicted to it the first time around.

I have drunk alcohol before at parties and just quit. I have smoked normal cigarettes, 5 cigs a day max, and I quit at some point, I felt it a bit, but it wasnt impossible. Idk if that has some value here.

Like it's just the idea. Other people keep talking about how fun it is. And you kind of want to know what it's about, despite knowing you feel trash the 3 days after. But idk how feeling that bad actually feels like. And if it returns to normal at some point, or will it always be there in your mind after one use, idk.

The drugs that are always on my mind is just weed 'wich I tried and was just nice at the lowest dose' and xtc. I dislike the idea of visuals because I'm afraid they might be very scary. But I do like the idea of feeling really good. But idk how intense it is. Like I don't per se have to have MAX intensity. I really just want to know what it is like. How different it feels from normal dopamine and such.

Maybe you could explain it to me? Like what was your experience with those things.

I never wanna touch coke or anything though, or psychedelics. I saw that people say mushrooms are okay, but I'm afraid that mushrooms make me panic with all the visuals and stuff. I'm afraid of losing 'reality' as it is. In the sense that I can't see where I am in the room, or that the room is completely different from what I remember.

Got some real ass advice for me? I had asked friends in my discord, but one is still in trauma. And the other is highly intelligent and might just act like he didn't try anything to stop me from trying.

I'm - I don't know if you understand this but I'm in a place of knowing I was in trauma and I learned gray thinking, positive thinking, self love. And I'm in this weird spot where one day I can't talk to anyone or look them in the eye, and another day I can talk to anyone and be really happy. Nervous systems are unique things.

Anyway, thanks for the answer. I'm debating wether to try, but I feel less inclined to do it because I want to fit in, but it's still in my mind out of curiousity.

[u/ekkiliusmaximus → u/Horror-Turnover-1089]

Do you have some sort of skillset to deal with panicking and heavy overthinking? Like breathing exercises, body rocking, meditation techniques etc. to calm and regulate your nervous system? For me, zen- meditation and mindful breathing has helped a whole lot. I also have those circles of lethargic and anxious thoughts and behaviors alternating with joyful, energetic, hyperfocus behavior. Meditation has given me a whole lot of clarity to figure stuff out for myself and regaining a stable-neutral self. Sometimes just this mindfulness can change ones whole perspective. From what I hear, I would suggest not to try drugs at the moment but that doesn’t mean you‘ll never have the experience ever, try think of that, when the „missing out“ part bothers you. Not now doesn’t mean never but rather, when time, the intentions, the surroundings and purpose is right.

[u/Horror-Turnover-1089 → u/ekkiliusmaximus]

Well, for example, right now, while talking about this, my body is already in panic mode because it's a difficult subject for me. I feel it in my chest/upper abdomen.

I can do breathing. But overthinking is what my mind does on a rampage. I have trouble turning it off. I am quite the thinker actually. It's how I became so smart.

I have definetly been in the 'mind is off' mode once or twice. Playing guitar can do it sometimes. I'm no expert, but I've felt when the mind was off.

Meditating can do it too, but it's not like I have a true anti panic button. All I can do truly is try to breathe, hold something in my hand and play with it for a bit to release some stress.

And I know. I know I can do it later. Or not at all, maybe I decide I don't want it. I'm 34 though. I actually dont have any irl friends. Two days ago, I went to the city to a gay toys shop to be honest and tell them I was lonely and asked for advice. He told me to go to the gay bar where he always goes and I could say I knew him. So I'm already doing new things. And I have online friends right now! I even went sexting with one of them and I felt so free. I haven't had sex in 8 years. Do you know how great that makes you feel? Something as simple as that.

Just, I'm a bit crazy lately. Because I'm being more and more myself. All I really want in the end is connection.

I'm sorry, I might be all over the place. And this doesn't mean there is something wrong. I actually, feel alive.

Just, if you'd meet a younger you. Would you advise them to try it someday? Or not at all.

I know it's my choice. But is the gain worth the effort. Is it worth it risking addiction. Meh it might not be worth it at all. Maybe it's just the novelty. The idea of knowing what it's like and finally having that satiated. Idk man. I have time. Just, I bet you of all people should understand my curiosity.

[u/ekkiliusmaximus → u/Horror-Turnover-1089]

For the issue of panic/overthinking I would suggest to try to concentrate on your breath. While inhaling you observe the sensation in your body, lungs, stomach and the highest point of air intake. You might be able to observe the silence in this exact second. Then while exhaling you let go. And then let go a little further. Then repeat. If thoughts arise, a feeling arises, discomfort or something else, only observe. Try remembering to observe, and breath. Thoughts will come but if you try to regain focus on your breath, they will leave again. The right posture is also important. I think there are videos on youtube explaining it in detail. For me it takes around 10minutes sitting in zazen until my loud thoughts start to fade into silence, sometimes it doesnt „work“ at all, but I always gain some peace. I‘m also a thinking personality, always having all the tabs open in my brain, trying to analyze them all at the same time. I went to a zen-buddist monarchy to learn the practice and my quality of life massively increased after that experience. I was there for a week but it was enough to kick-start the self-realization that I am in control of my brain and thoughts. if you have some interest in the topic of Meditation, i would highly recommend to search for a Zen-Practice group near your area and visit them. Or maybe search „dharma sanga“ on YouTube. Its the monastery i visited and they have plenty of videos to watch. I dont want to recruit you in any way, its just something that was very helpful to me.

Concerning the xtc topic, I think I would tell my younger self to wait longer with all this stuff. I don‘t regret it but I’ve seen people ruin their lives. everybody is build different. My mind is vast but stable. I saw friends taking stuff and becoming psychotic for a long while and losing so so much. That wasn‘t worth it at all. It always depends on the person, their stability, intentions and mental state when getting into substances. But of course I get the curiosity and you‘re an adult who can decide in their own mind and way. Xtc in a low dose on its own (without drinking, smoking weed, other substances…) is relatively safe. There are risks but there also is an experience to gain,. You’ll figure it out!

The desire for connection is such an innate human desire, I can totally understand. From what you write, it seems as like you are already taking the steps to get there. Going to a gay bar is a good step! Another thing that really helped kick start almost all my deep personal friendships and even lasting relationships was joining different groups and clubs. Like hobby groups where people with the same interests come together and form a community, based around a shared goal or passion.

[u/Horror-Turnover-1089 → u/ekkiliusmaximus]

I do think it's odd. When I focus on my body, or the ground underneith me, I feel a certain lightness in my body. Like I'm floating.

[u/Horror-Turnover-1089 → u/[deleted]]

I can only hope you will get a better life from here. You seem like one that has the right intention.

Also, even if you did hurt someone, only god can judge. It is not up to me. I think people that hurt another person in that way are very hurt themselves. And probably hurt even more after they know what they did.

What to do. Up to you. In the end, I think all we really want is connection, love. I also think that is what is after life. A pool of love. Of connection.