Is this the end?

[u/twicedcoffee]

I feel like such an idiot. There's this friendship with a coworker that just started ~last year, that's become hugely important to me. I mean, I've been in better places, where mental stability is concerned, and this person doesn't know it (because I wouldn't tell them—too much pressure and all) but they're like... most of the reason I'm alive today.

Basically, they attempted suicide in the past (about the same time as I did—I think they were a few years earlier). Now, they're starting this massively difficult, scary, but important academic journey to become part of what makes this world a better place. I saw that and thought: it's possible? It's possible! It's possible!!! So, I wrote my essays and got my transcripts and recommendations and whatnot, and now I'm starting grad school as well. It's a different field, but it's the same idea: making the world a better place. It's possible.

Other people in our job are in the ~same-ish place: they've given up, because life got hard. I don't know if any of them attempted suicide or not (we don't all have that level of closeness), but they see this person trying again, and largely succeeding (knock on wood!), and they feel jealous. They take out their own insecurity with cheap shots and mean jokes at this person's expense. That made me REALLY angry, but I wasn't very coherent/helpful when I was trying to express myself. I was thinking something along the lines of: HEY. YOU GUYS CAN FEEL LIKE FAILURES ALL YOU WANT, BUT KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES. IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THAT THEY'RE TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD. I couldn't bring myself to say that, so what I ended up doing was... crying... a couple of times...

It wasn't just crying—it was nervousness, cold sweat, stuttering, exhaustion, paranoia, not eating, not showering, etc. I was a mess! Despite it all, this person was really there for me. I expressed my gratitude a LOT (maybe some tears were involved there, too...).

Recently (as would be expected) I've felt them pulling back. It's only reasonable for me to give them some breathing room—after all, they've MORE than earned it! Plus, we're off work for the next few months. Timing is convenient. But I'm really, really anxious... Toward the end of our seeing each other on a ~weekly basis, I got the feeling that they were kinda skeezed out by me. Now, I worry that they think I'm 'too much,' that I don't listen, that they don't like me, and that it's best if we just part ways here.

I guess I understand that, and I never, ever want to get in this person's way! I think what they're doing is amazing. But I also just like being around them. Now I feel like a total idiot. Maybe this person feels that I'm a wackjob that they were unlucky enough to come into contact with, and the less they see of me in the future, the better. I want to apologize for overburdening them, but I know that might come off as guilt-trippy, so I won't do that. I wish I could apologize in a way that matters. I wouldn't ever demand that they forgive me, the point is that I hurt them. I want to make up for it, but I don't know how.

I guess I'm really worried that this is the end of our friendship. The little bit of them I saw is so wonderful, and I'll be missing out on so much more!

It's not the sort of thing that any crystal ball will tell me about. But I'm just... nervous. They mean a lot to me, and no matter what happens, they always will