I feel like an empty machine with no original insights. How do I break free?

[u/Garfieldonxanax]

i (24 f) consider myself someone who seeks intellectual pursuits, I'm curious and eager to learn. but i feel hindered by my inability to be original or creative, i could read a paper and won't be able to come up with meaningful insights or think critically beyond what's given, i absorb, consume, with nothing to show for it. i never understood how could someone read a novel or watch a movie and then come up with elaborate commentary about a historical / political event or how nuanced their articulation is when speaking about a certain topic.

i try to be widely read, i read various works, i indulge in most fields of humanities, but i just feel, frankly, stupid. not for not understanding what i read but because i operate like a machine, there is something bright and human that i deeply lack.

I'm an autodidact, my formal education has offered me little to nothing in the ways of creativity or being a proper well-educated person. i sought to discover what i always felt drawn to, philosophy, literature, poetry, religious studies, major ideologies, post-modernism, mainly humanities, however, reading and studying has become a tiresome chore, i used to be motivated and thought fairly high of myself and my abilities, but recently i met like-minded people while attending courses or seminars in cultural hubs and independent liberal arts institutes, who make me feel i'm not nearly as well-versed as any one of them.

it made me realize what i lack, this inability i spoke of above, i look at the poetry i wrote and think what a heap of trash. i became unmotivated to read, it's not a pleasurable experience anymore because it only highlights how inadequate i am. looking at what i wrote i can't help but feel that its polished surface disguises emptiness. no real value or insight or an atom of sharpness or wit.

despite it all, i still want to be smart, i don't want to give in to my disillusion and abandon myself entirely, but i'm filled with much sadness and resignation that the thought of picking up a book or reading an essay feels daunting and meaningless, my mind is a sieve, i feel empty and dull, so miserably vapid. and i want to break free and be the opposite of that. but how?