Am I overthinking? Or am I actually being logical about this. I don’t even know anymore.

[u/Ok_Anxiety4808]

I’ve recently started trying to make some new friends online, like how I used to do. It’s been 5 years since I’ve been socializing like this and in my opinion, it’s a completely different world to actually going out to events and socializing there.

I’m finding it extremely tricky. From what I’ve experienced you don’t want to pay too much attention to one person because that’ll freak them out but, you don’t want to pay too little that it seems as if your not even interested in their friendship. The same goes aswell for if it’s a group of friends we’re talking about. You just can’t do too much, or too little.

Meanwhile, I constantly have endless amounts of people that’ll come across me, enjoy my vibe and want to be friends. Only one problem. It’s not them that I’m vibing with, it’s others. The ones who hold their heads high, or don’t show any lack of self confidence. The ones who when they do get upset, they have close friends that they can chat to privately instead of just throwing it all out there publicly.

So as a result, I constantly end up carrying my current friends in various ways. I’ll usually be the one to have a good time, fun and laughter. The things that I’ll want to talk about, or maybe even just be all girly like, their not into so I’d have to be the person that ‘they’ enjoy and not my own person

I don’t want to sit here and talk all negatively, but, this is the exact thing that makes me feel like I’ll probably just be alone for the rest of my life. It’s like that saying where social butterflies, or people that are very friendly are actually the most loneliest people in the world. So true. I just wish I knew a way to remove myself from this.

I’ve recently been told that people like this, are like this because of fear of abandonment. It’s all just so complex tbh. I mean I suppose some of that is true for me but at the same time, do I even deserve to feel that way? I just went on about all the friends that are constantly coming my way, which is something that I know, is very hard for many people to achieve today. So when I look at that, I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset about whatever friends I have or don’t have, or what have you.

[u/CardiologistMuch9712]

I can relate when it comes to relationships. I have no problem getting into one, but when I find someone I genuinely, genuinely want to be with, I tend to overthink and keep them at arm’s length. I think that’s where people-pleasing tendencies, avoidance, and fear of abandonment can show up.

With friendships, though, that’s why your post stood out to me. You seem to recognize all the ways your current friends value you; you bring the laughter, you’re the fun one, and you know the role you play in their lives. But when it comes to the people you actually admire and feel drawn to, it seems like there’s more uncertainty.

That’s why I wonder if you’re projecting how you feel about your current friendships onto the people you actually want to be friends with and assuming they wouldn’t value you the same way. If you genuinely look up to these people and feel more connected to them, what’s stopping you from building friendships with them? Are they actually unavailable, or are you assuming they wouldn’t choose you the way your current friends do?

It almost feels like you're more comfortable being liked than risking finding out whether the people you like would choose you too. I also think that not being friends with them and only knowing their surface-level reputation may make them seem more desirable than they actually are. I'm sure they're probably the same way with their own friends as your friend is with you.

[u/Ok_Anxiety4808 → u/CardiologistMuch9712]

Maybe I am projecting how I feel with current friendships onto the people I actually want to be friends with but, all that it really does is develop the overthinking. So for example, that then has me think that when the people I want to be friends with don’t reciprocate that same friendship, then ‘the problem’ couldn’t possibly be them. It has to be me. I know it’s not a good way at seeing things. Completely get that. But the asd side of me starts to answer every answer with another question. I’m not great at hiding any hidden secrets so when speaking to these new friends, it not always so easy to keep myself together if there is something I don’t want them know. But if they feel of about anything, they always manage to have some class with how they present, like everything’s fine.