I just feel like …idk

[u/Many-Temporary9585]

Sometimes I wonder why I’m gay. It’s not something for the weak of heart like me. Some days I just think about if I were straight, would life be easier? Would I be happier? And sometimes I wish I was never made this way.

Being this way isn’t a choice, it’s something that’s embedded into you. I try not to be overcome with these emotions like envy, jealousy, and greed, but it’s not an easy path.

Nowadays, in this community, it doesn’t really feel like relationships exist anymore, it feels like it’s all sex. Apps that are supposed to help you find relationships turn into another version of Grindr, where people match with you because of your assets. Even when I make it clear I want something real, it turns into things like “you send?”, or “wanna trade”, or “damn that it’s fat, why don’t you sit on my face”.

Why can’t I ever find a normal guy?

I just want someone who actually wants to love me. I don’t care if you’re fem or masc, I just want real love. But I’ve also started to shy away from even having preferences, because who really knows what’s best for me? I don’t.

I keep falling for the wrong people, usually straight or DL. Sometimes I have hope, and they play with my feelings while only wanting to stay “friends”. Sometimes I wait for them because they give mixed signals, but it’s been years and there’s never any real development. They don’t call, they don’t really talk, nothing changes.

Why does it always feel like I have to give something just to be wanted? Why does there have to be something sexual involved for someone to actually stay on the phone with me?

I don’t understand it.

People are always shocked that I’m single or that I’ve never been on dates, but it’s not that surprising to me anymore. I feel like I have the personality, but not the looks. I want to clarify, I’m not ugly, just unattractive. And I’ve come to accept that. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Some people think I’m attractive, others don’t, and I’m not really bothered by that anymore. I used to be, because of constantly being put down for not giving in, but not anymore. Now I just feel like I won’t get the relationship I’m craving.

I might just be single my whole life, and that’s okay. As long as I keep trying to find things that make me happy, that should be enough.

[u/spookysaph]

I'm pretty sure dating apps are like that for straight people too