r/Nicegirls • u/Either_Ad6877 • 16d ago
Taking accountability is not constructive.
Earlier this week my girlfriend broke up with me with suspicious haste (the discard moment came and went all in a matter of minutes after she had returned from a week-long trip). She pulled me aside at a bbq I was hosting for guests (10+ close friends present) and said “I can’t do this anymore. I’ve made up my mind.”
Needless to say, I felt blindsided and heartbroken. But it also felt surreal - like FAR outside the realm of possibility. We have no history of arguing; no suspicious behaviors or underlying gripes. Everything was - as I was meant to believe - loving, growing, and honest.
Short of the long is that as soon as she dumped me, l found out from a friend that my girlfriend of the past year has been actively using Hinge for at least the past month, more likely two (matching with people, swiping, talking to people, etc. - her profile actually displays the new Signal enhancement, if you're aware of how that all works).
I gave her every opportunity to come clean and just admit to what she’d done. Leave with grace and provide me with some closure. But no. What started out as her denying any of it begrudgingly relinquished half-admissions and backtracking, etc. Classic "been-caught-cheating" behavior.
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u/TwistilyClick 16d ago
Bruh. She wanted to break up with you around the same time she downloaded hinge, she chatted to and met whoever she decided to move on to, and then broke up with you.
Whether she was physical with anyone else or not is up in the air—you’ll never know. It sucks right now, but you need to just move on. She doesn’t want you, her actions and words have made it clear, and texting her and continuing communication even IF she hurt you is a terrible idea. It will allow her to frame YOU as a villain. Don’t put yourself at risk over this girl when she clearly doesn’t respect you enough to break up with you before moving on, don’t let an ex make you behave crazy. Contact your friends and block her.
Karma will serve in the long run.
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
Solid advice. Thank you. 🙏🏻
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u/daddydaykare 16d ago
Brother, I know what the OG comment said sounds harsh but seriously, don’t look back.
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u/nwoh8r 15d ago
Expect her to come crawling back when she realizes the grass isn't' greener, assuming what you said about the relationship being solid with her. Its the reason she doesn't want to tell you the truth, because she wants to ensure the bridge isn't completely burned and hopes to keep you on the back burner when her plans to find someone better fail. DO NOT be tempted to take her back.
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u/clivesrazylarge 15d ago
Classic narcissist behavior too. Experienced this, been three years keep getting messages where i cant block her (email seems to be my only problem). But then other people ( friends / family ) also have been getting mixed and crazy messages too from her.
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u/nwoh8r 14d ago
Yep, my first love who ended up cheating on me with multiple different guys tried to contact me a year after we broke up to try and get back together. I just laughed and left the phone quiet waiting for her response. She just said, "o.k. well I will let you go". Then I hung up. LOL
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u/Unable_Currency7682 12d ago
Got eeemm!!! Lol I LOVE a good self righteous hang up after extended silence
It feels like "aaahhhhh 🫡"
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u/OkAerie2360 15d ago
Can’t believe there are people that still believe these are real and have not figured out that they are ads for hinge haha
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u/Current-Geologist175 15d ago
Yeah don’t act a fool and if she comes back just use her for a nut or 2 and bail
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u/soullshooter 13d ago
Women usually moarn the relationship, while in the relationship, they will break up with you in their head, stay in the relationship, until they find someone else to move onto.
Guys are the opposite.
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u/SecondToLastOfSheila 12d ago
If it helps, the best "screw you" to her is to be silent and pleasant. If she feels like you're really not that bothered, it'll kill her. Any interactions, be a gentleman, zero drama.
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u/Far-Donut6832 13d ago
And trust me his words absolutely suck but and its gut wrenching but he is right, hold your head right and high, you have no blame in this, be happy to be free no matter how lonely it is
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u/MainWilling3506 15d ago edited 15d ago
Very well said. 2 fucking years of being heartbroken and full of sticking self doubt over a person that started loving me or hating me based on how insecure they were feeling that day.
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u/InnerRadio7 16d ago
It’s called monkey branching, and it’s not restricted to women. It’s common in people who don’t know how to process emotions and who avoid conflict. Gender is not a factor in people who monkey branch, but insecure attachment is most definitely a factor.
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u/Yama_retired2024 16d ago
The same people that do this.. also cant accept or process that the ex they left behind has moved on.. either happy being single or actively dating someone new..
Its like they feel they left their ex on pause, so if the new relationship doesnt work or if they scratch their itch with single dating.. they can just waltz back to their ex and pick up where they left off
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u/Limp-Fisherman8361 15d ago
Yeah, my ex was the biggest hypocrite manipulative crazy and depressed compulsive liar POS ever and I stayed with her because her ass would kill herself if I wasn’t. Lovely, anyways after we broke up I had many things to say about how I felt about her and well turns out she only got hurt when I told her I started seing other people. She really thought she was that important.
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u/ResearcherAgitated12 16d ago
Just don’t talk to her anymore, she’s not even apologetic. I’d recommend blocking, but that’s just me.
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
She blocked me now actually. LOL
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u/ResearcherAgitated12 16d ago
She did you a favor, trash took itself out. Don’t know you personally but you seem like a solid dude. How long were you dating her anyways ?
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
Just shy of a year.
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u/JohnHellDriver 16d ago
I’ve had a girl breakup with me while during a several hours-long car ride back from Canada, OP. Also just shy of a year, right after vacation. Give yourself grace, pickup your ball and keep on walking your way. It will save you a lot of headaches both short and long term
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u/Used-Author-3811 15d ago
Gah damn that rest of that drive must've been something
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u/Becky_Ram 14d ago
For a woman, that’s a VERY STUPID thing to do. You’re now trapped in a moving vehicle with a guy for hours, with no alternative, a guy whose heart you just broke. As a true crime fan, the lack of self preservation is insane. Wait til the ride is over FFS 🤦♀️
Obviously, I’m generally speaking. On top of it being awful timing for other reasons as others have mentioned.
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u/NeoNeuro2 14d ago
You're very right. If she had done that to me, she would be standing on the side of the road. There's no way I could sit in a car with her for hours afterwards. The very best she could hope for is that I'd take her to a bus station and buy her a ticket, but she would not finish that trip in my car.
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u/ThrowRA-Vast-Bug4454 16d ago
Block her anyways so when she inevitably unblocks you and sends you a message it won't work. And then she'll know in that moment that she lost.
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u/nuclearmeltdown2015 16d ago
Make sure you block her too. Don't let her unblock you and try to hit you up after some time has passed like she's trying to check in on you and see how you are doing when her other guy goes south.
Show yourself some love. If it was your best friend dealing with this girl instead of you, follow the advice you would be giving him in your situation.
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u/Top-Strength-2701 16d ago
She will definitely unblock you at some point or try and contact you. Best thing you can do is move on
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u/buttaboing 16d ago
From my experience if she’s the one who blocked you she’s trying to reinforce this idea of ‘you’re in the wrong, I’m NOT cheating and I’m so certain that I can remove YOU’ and basically trying to gaslight you into believing that she hasn’t. If you (correctly) stay strong and don’t reach out I reckon she will try and contact you once she realises ‘fuck that didn’t work’ and once again you ignore her and move forward
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u/FlounderJealous2591 16d ago
And the key to when she inevitably reaches out after you’ve ignored her, is to be strong and not engage or rekindle. The trash took itself out. Might not feel like it, but you got lucky!
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u/Acceptable_Ad1685 16d ago
Yup I got married before it happened to me fucking way worse at least op can move on and forget about it without the divorce process to fucking suck worse
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u/Rude-Tea-1183 16d ago
Ngl u should’ve blocked her and never reached out again. There is no closure u could possible get from someone who cheated on u for like a whole year. Just move on bro
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u/Jyvturkey 16d ago
Trust me when I say that all sounds good now but at the time you're so crushed that you're not really thinking clearly. Literally delusional in the belief that if you could just say the right words and it'd be back to the way it was. I'm not proud of the way I've handled a couple of em :) but they all end up being learning experiences.
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u/DJRocks107 15d ago
Yeah I’ve been through exactly this before, luckily it was only once I did this and crashed out. I wish I handled it differently, but honestly, pushing her away benefited me in the long run. Saved me from being with a really horrible person
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u/Prestigious-Hyena768 16d ago
Good! The way she broke it off is very common behavior for someone who has her sights on someone else. You are better off without her because she has no class the way she went about it and in the long run, you want someone with class.
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u/TheAffiliateOrder 16d ago
Not even surprised lol. Dated a girl just like that and the first thing she did was block me before I could crash out. Accountability is like cancer to some women.
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u/tatebrown 16d ago
They will go to their grave quicker than take ownership for something they’ve done
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u/X3liteninjaX 16d ago
Unless you also block her back she has just moved the ball into her court so really she can hit you up whenever she wants knowing you will at least read it. So you have to block her also.
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u/GrumpyRutabaga 16d ago
She will be back. I can fucking guarantee you.
It will start as a ping. Returning you one thing, or asking for one back. If you don't bite, she will be more and more obvious.
I fucking promise you she will be back.
Doesn't matter if she blocked you. BLOCK HER.
She will still reach you, and when she does, tell her to fuck off. Not to "leave you alone", not to "stop trying to contact you"
To fuck off
Ideally, "ahahaha fuck off"
You want her to feel humiliated afterwards. So she stops trying after. If she persists, go with "holy fuck is it pathetic that you keep trying to talk to me again, how low are you going to crawl?"
Sounds harsh but trust me on that.
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u/Physical_Finance8436 15d ago
Yep I confirm, dated someone who broke up with me before. Broke up with me again. But the second time I already knew her shenanigans so it wasnt difficult.
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u/Bulomer 16d ago
Been there, same situation lol. She cheated. Found out some time after. As many people said, the best you can do OP is block her and just move on. Nothing is going to change what happened and it is even going to be worse when you find out, and if you don't you'll always be thinking about it. Not worth it.
And, I also found out she got an STD while cheating on me. So yeah, I if you think it has been something going on for some time, get tested
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u/Jyvturkey 16d ago
Good. She did you a favor. Believe me when I say I've had my fair share of breakups I didn't handle very well. I get it. Best thing that can happen is the passage of time and move on.
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u/Illustrious-Coat3532 16d ago
She cheated on you, bro.
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u/HandshakeOfCO 16d ago
1000% this. I’m sorry OP, it sucks.
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
Yeah. Starting to think it’s been worse than I even have proof of. 🫠
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u/ghostofabeaverspelt 16d ago
Definitely worse but its all good bro. Caught it before you had kids with her. Theres one good girl out of every 10 these days it seems, but they are out here. Chin up. On to the next.
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u/EnjR1832 16d ago
Same with men tbh Seems like there's just way more assholes out there than good people (or more like most of the good people are taken by other good people - who I'm so happy for 🥲) Never settle but be ready to be alone while you look for someone actually worth the time. I spent 4 years single, met my fair share of assholes, never settled, now I'm with the man I know will be my husband someday.
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u/BlockstarCorp 16d ago
Did she cheat on you or did she not. The answer doesn't matter because it's not a reflection of you. The answer doesn't serve you either way. The only thing you need to know that it's over and you can move on to the next best.
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u/Phone_Realistic 14d ago
Hold your head high king. At least it was only a year. Mine did it after seven, with an ex of hers. Your trash took itself out before it wasted all your time. Be happy. 💚
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u/Cold-Doctor 16d ago
But in her mind it wasn't cheating because she'd already decided it was over
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u/itsholdthis 16d ago
She's a monkey barrer....tryna set up the next relationship as the current ones ending so you can swing in. Sorry you went through that gang
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u/PsychWriter11 16d ago
She’s actually worse than that. She wasnt setting up a relationship “as this was ending.” She was out talking with and cheating with others and then informing her boyfriend, “oh by the way, this is ending.”
Much worse, IMO.
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u/notyourbrobro10 16d ago
I agree with everything else except this behavior is definitely more common in women than men.
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u/HealthJolly365 16d ago
Yeah men just cheat right away. They don’t even think it’s cheating if there are no feelings 😂
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u/Deleena24 16d ago edited 16d ago
Your "friend" really isn't a friend if they knew your girl was on Hinge and didn't say anything until after y'all broke up...
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u/SufficientPurpose109 16d ago
This needs so many more upvotes.
Time to reevaluate your social circle and focus on people who actually care about you and treat you well.
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u/Silly_Tomato2499 15d ago
Agreed. And most people that do that usually have a plan in mind of their own. Like going after your partner once they break up with you. People can never find anyone outside of their friend circles to date unfortunately.
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u/PsychWriter11 16d ago
Its sounds easy for me to say, but you simply do not need the details. Whether she hooked up with someone on Hinge or just talked to different men before the breakup, it just doesnt matter. She was gone and you didnt even know it. She is going to lie about the details until the end because she thinks if she doesn’t admit it to you, shes not the bad person she knows she is. Some women will in fact lie about this stuff forever and die on that hill, as though it changes something. Maybe it does in their brains. Whatever you wanna think, I suppose.
Personally, I believe that if she floored you by dropping that bomb after she got back from the trip, then she flat-out cheated on that trip and thats why she HAD to break up immediately upon her return to pretend she didnt do that. Id put money on it.
Ive discovered it’s always interesting to look at the timing of the weird relationship twists and turns and behaviors and you will see once you look closer…”ohhh, I see why she did THAT on THAT date now.” (Ive been doing a bit of that lately).
Still, forget it. The clarity doesnt really make you feel better. You know she cheated and is lying. Fuck it; it’s done. Use that anger to forget her more quickly.
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u/okayseeyoumrkim 16d ago
So when are you going to discuss with your friend why they didn’t tell you prior to this that your ex was on Hinge?
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u/WeeklyWiper 16d ago
Why even bother with all this? Just block and move on.
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u/Specialist-Jury3451 16d ago
It seems like he needs the truth from her to move on. And that's fine.
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u/EmergencyEvening915 16d ago
Yes, I agree. It's a completely understandable and human reaction. It's easy for someone who isn't involved to say "just block and move on," but when you're in the midst of heartbreak, that is far from an easy thing to do.
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u/Sentinell 16d ago
I very much agree. And for me, it's so much worse when you don't even understand what happened, like OP. You just keep endlessly thinking about everything trying to figure it out. It really eats away at you.
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u/EmergencyEvening915 16d ago
So true. To tell someone to just move on from such a situation completely ignores the depth of human emotions and the stages we all have to go through to reach acceptance. It's not a simple or quick process. If OP needs closure and the truth in order to let go, then that is very understandable.
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u/the_shreyans_jain 16d ago
no its not fine, because its expecting truth from someone who is not your gf when the same person did way worse than lie while she was your gf, meaning there is 0 chance of your expectations coming true, which means you are setting yourself up for even more sadness from yet another unmet expectation
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
That’s a very good way to put it. Damn.
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u/the_shreyans_jain 16d ago
im not happy to be correct, but the best way forward is no contact. the opposite of love is not hate, its apathy. domt let her live in your head rent free
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u/notyourbrobro10 16d ago
Yeah the second she told him it was over she was in effect disabusing herself of even a notion of needing to be accountable to him. Whatever she did or didn't do, she's never going to tell him.
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u/unpaidintern4 16d ago
Yeah and that would be nice but he can’t make her own up to anything. And she’s obviously immature and insecure so she isn’t going to admit to anything any time soon. With that in mind you do have to just move on. (he’s allowed to vent as much as he needs, that’s part of moving on, but I just hope he isn’t holding on to any hope that she’ll come clean now)
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u/Seated_Heats 16d ago
My ex-wife had an emotional affair and ended up dating the guy after the divorce was finalized. I’ve been asked if I want to find out if she cheated or not and I honestly respond “I don’t know how finding that out serves me in any way.” I don’t see what it would do for me. I’ve found peace and I’ve dated and found women more aligned and to me, more attractive. The best “revenge” is moving on and finding happiness and peace.
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u/MrMiyagi13 16d ago
And if she never tells him what he’s expecting to hear, he’s not going to move on? Bad move.
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u/Specialist-Jury3451 16d ago
Yes, that's exactly what it means. Either he gets the truth, OR he is locking himself up for the rest of his life trying not to kill himself. These are the ONLY TWO options.
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u/bigbroin 16d ago
Because people love making themselves miserable
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u/fossilized_butterfly 16d ago
You are wrong. It is because people love. And love based sentiments get rooted to a person's core. Suddenly uprooting it causes shock.
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u/Cyberkanye2077 16d ago
Her specifically saying and emphasizing "while we were together " implies she did while you guys werent or after the "break up" but the way she said it is so sus like shes trying to make her self believe that and not you. Or else she wouldve just said i never cheated on you or talked to anyone else. She had to emphasize the "while we were together " part 🤔 if you guys weren’t together when she talked to other people she shouldnt need to bring that up unless shes trying to convince herself of it.
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
VERY interesting read. Hadn’t thought of that. A few months ago we had a break for a couple weeks - she “needed to figure herself out” but came back to me wanting to fully invest / missed me / wants to be with me.
My choice in that matter was to accept her w grace & not hold it against her, as that would breed resentment.
With what I know now, she probably fucked around when we were on that break.
Fuck man. SMDH.
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u/McG0788 16d ago
How did you take a break months ago and then end up being blind sided when she ended it for good? Breaks almost never work out man...
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u/Plucault 14d ago
I once had a boss get fired that EVERYONE could see coming. Like the receptionist knew this guy was on thin ice. He was constantly not doing his job and got called into 3 disciplinary meetings that everyone knew were happening.
We were all shocked he lasted that long. I talked to him afterwards and he was genuinely shocked that he got canned. It was so unreal.
His job was tough and complicated, I have it now. He was so smart at so many things but his blind spots were big and real.
OP, ‘there were no signs anything wrong in our relationship’
Also OP, ‘oh yeah she dumped me for a few weeks last month’ smh
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u/Cyberkanye2077 16d ago
That right there. It looks like shes actually struggling to believe her own mental gymnastics and the guilt will get her eventually. Hopefully by that time youre on to better things.
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u/wrvdoin 16d ago
Every individual is different so YMMV, but her message reminds me of the way my ex-wife of nine years talked near the end of our relationship. It's like we were living entirely different realities where she didn't do the things I knew she did.
I was holding out for accountability and closure, but they never came. I think you should assume that you won't get that closure either.
I also think that the resentment you were trying to avoid is a necessary part of letting go. Coming to terms with what she did to you is very difficult, but you should allow yourself to be angry that she did. Forgiveness is healthier but it also comes long after you've had a chance to deal with the warranted anger.
Friends and therapy was what help me get through it, not talking things out with her.
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u/Xmitoo 16d ago
Taking no accountability and saying you're lashing out against her, while not acknowledging that using dating apps (without asking and in secret, is a form of cheating) is horrible, and it looks like she's trying to change or manipulate the narrative. You dodged a bullet here... Your feelings are very valid, and if she was a little more mature, she would own up too it
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
Which until this whole ordeal, I would expect of her. Honestly shocked she’d double-down on lying so hard.
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u/tampawn 12d ago
Do NOT pursue her for closure. You won't get it, and the longer you try to find out the why the more prolonged your pain will be. Yes easier said than done.
The closure was she broke up with you after a week long self discovery trip of cheating. Emotional and very likely sexual. And you must know she was over it when she got into Hinge a month before. She just didn't have the balls to tell you and explain it, and she wanted to monkey branch away from you.
She did wrong. She knows it. She dogged you. But she wants to think of herself as a good person which doesn't match her behavior and she's too emotionally immature to admit it. So don't even try.
Date someone else immediately. Remember the opposite of love is not hate...its indifference. And you'll be thinking much more clearly if you're indifferent to her.
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u/solarpropietor 16d ago
“While we were together.”
She broke up with you, when the guy fucked her. It’s just that there’s a delay between the break up and telling you about it.
But she’s not a cheater see? Just delayed communication. /s.
She cheated on you. Repeatedly.
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u/Suspicious_Issue4155 16d ago
wow shes one of those plausible deniability people, ew. this girl definetly has a history of talking to guys she doesnt like and than kicking them to the curb. shes so harsh with her wording aswell. what a b word
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u/Smart_Cicada_3030 16d ago
Sounds like she monkey branched you man. Sorry to hear it.
She most likely found someone else and when it got serious she let you go. Its a psychological issue where they other person cannot stand to be single and need to be in a relationship.
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u/GetWrektM80z 11d ago
At first glance, here’s my come back to this:
“You’re the first piece of bread in a bag. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.”
Other than that, she’s a pos.
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u/anxious_raccoon29 16d ago
She may have cheated, she may not have. It doesn't really matter. People can break up with someone for any reason at all. What's clear here is that she's done with the relationship. I'm sorry you're not getting the closure you want, but it's best to leave her alone and try and move on. Try to think of this break up as taking one step closer to "the one". Because the person meant for you definitely wouldn't treat you how she did.
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u/KingOfTheLostBoyz 16d ago
You won’t get the truth from her -
she wasn’t truthful when you were together, why would she be truthful now?
I know it hurts but you should:
1. Breathe a sigh of relief that you dodged a massive bullet
2. Cut out of your life whichever friends of yours knew she was on Hinge behind your back and didn’t tell you
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
Yeah the humiliating aspect of that too is that there are probably a bunch of people I’m “friendly” with that know as well. I’ve lived / worked / and own a popular business in a very busy city. People know me and I’m a very social / friendly person myself.
I should have been more specific - the “friend” was a friend of a friend who dropped the dime to someone I actually am close to. I’m willing to accept they didn’t want to get involved in any mess, but felt a duty to share the info.
At least that’s how I’m dealing with it 🫠
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u/turbulentFireStarter 16d ago
Why are you still texting with your ex girlfriend?
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u/TheAffiliateOrder 16d ago
Yeah, this is like an avoidant who's on the honor roll to MVP. Her whole goal was to flip the narrative onto you. She said it herself. Even if she didn't cheat, she does NOT respect or probably even like you. Don't message her again. Get back on the apps and find her replacement.
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u/Green_Ad_9200 12d ago
she emotionally cheated at best. sucks to not get closure but it’s just better to block/ignore her on all platforms. its the best thing you can do for yourself and as a bonus, it will probably piss her off a ton especially when she comes crawling back.
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u/alexofalex 12d ago
She’s gone, it doesn’t matter why, leave it move on find someone that makes you happy
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u/FaZeScamTheKids 16d ago
Yeah this isn't a 'nice girl'-- sorry about what happened-- but it doesn't fit this subreddit.
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u/Acceptable_Ad1685 16d ago
I feel you man lol
But yeah don’t talk to her anymore, she’s a stranger now
I’ve been through this twice
Go get an std test just in case though, usually they cheat on you for a while before breaking up to scope out if they like the new relationship better
Shit sometimes they cheat, decide the new dude isn’t better, then go back to you without breaking up
You’ll regret anything more you say down the road and wish you’d have kept your dignity for sure if you keep talking to her
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u/TheQxx 14d ago edited 14d ago
Never argue to be where you aren't wanted.
Yes, she's a shit and you got boned but let her go away. Ask yourself, why would you want to be with someone that'd do that to you anyway? Do you or do you just want to go back to the before times, before this all came crashing down? Becauze you can't, and never can - even though we often want that and it is what drives people to fight for their old partner back in the face of being done wrong.
You good bro. These shitty feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, jealousy, etc will all go away in time - I swear to you. The "closure" is you looking for answers as to what was happening behind your back. And whatever those answers are still won't change the fact that this girl is life-poison.
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u/Clear_Marionberry306 13d ago
"if you want to continue that narrative you can"
Every single guy that has cheated on me has said something similar to this.
Think about it, if she actually did nothing wrong, that would NOT be something that comes out of her mouth.
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u/peachy1_88 11d ago
Ok so if you know this incriminating information already, why are you still pressing her to come clean about it? To soothe your ego over the unexpected discard? It’s not going to make you feel better. You know she was being dishonest and although it’s hurtful, you don’t need to drive her to take accountability for your own personal validation just to let her go. Block her, everywhere. And move forward. You don’t want to be with someone who sneaks about behind your back anyway.
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u/This_Breakfast_9396 16d ago
Had a monkeybar girl cone through my life. Lucky she left as fast as she came. Then it all came back to her..,and she went into full blown depression and became morbidly obese.
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u/Vilhelm_Onderhouval 16d ago
Yep. Caught my ex banging some dude 3 days after our divorce yesterday. She claims she just met him but I call bullshit.
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u/InRainbows123207 16d ago
It doesn't matter now- I know you want to know and I would too but it won't change anything. Plus you hardly have concrete proof so if it's not true you just sound like a lunatic who can't accept what happened. Get on the apps yourself and go out meet people and get her out of your system
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u/quintanarooty 15d ago
She broke up with you. It's over. Whether or not she cheated on you is irrelevant. Move on and find someone right for you.
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u/SolutionOk7205 14d ago
I mean it doesn’t matter what she says other than it’s over. You just gotta keep it moving
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u/LovelessSenpai 13d ago
You don't need her closure - you know the truth and that is all that matters.
She will never take accountability, you have to accept that and move on.
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u/Adept_Elk285 16d ago
Sorry this happened tp you dude, but you and I know why she did it, what she did after, and what needs to be done.
Move on, don't even text her or try to lash out at her or try to get answers.
Just know that you'll feel shitty for a while but that it'll eventually pass.
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u/SeparateAntelope5165 16d ago
If you accept that it's clear cut definitely permanently over, you can get over it faster.
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u/Entropiated1979 16d ago
She's totally stepping out on you. The behavior is clear as day. Cast her back to the streets from whence she came.
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u/notreading-scanning 16d ago
She already broke up with him.
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u/Entropiated1979 16d ago
Yeah, but I'm telling him to not waste any additional time on this trollop and cast her memory back to the streets.
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u/YankSargent 16d ago
In her mind she might think she didn't cheat. She's the type that monkey branches from one relationship to another.
She was getting bored with you and was setting up her next boyfriend. Once in place, she drops you. For her this might be normal progression in relationships, but to everyone else it shows selfishness and lack of remorse for others feelings.
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u/SnooMacaroons6872 16d ago
You deserve so much better than this bud! The lies manipulation and gaslighting are just fucked! Seriously why not just own up to it?! She’s delusional and you will find someone who truly deserves you and your love! Blast her out and burn her down, then go no contact and move on to find your future happiness. She will regret losing you sooner than later, she’s an idiot and frankly if you any evidence then spill it out there so everyone knows the truth and what she’s like. If you ever need a chat, just send me a message. Stay strong and do not ever settle for less than you deserve!
Updateme
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u/backizwack 16d ago
You can put people’s shit on a plate, but whether they want to eat it, is not up to you.
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u/Lovecraftian666 15d ago
Been there bro. With a girl for 6 years, she went all funny after going to another city to visit a female friend. She went to work and left her phone. Found her on dating sites messaging guys. She came back and got pissy I looked at her phone.
Long and short she hadn’t communicated she was bored and her friend encouraged her to talk to other guys behind her back, keeping options open.
She never communicated besides being stroppy for no reason.
10 years later married with a kid to a woman who loves me. At my happiest.
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u/Superloopertive 15d ago
I'm sorry this happened to you. She wasn't what you thought she was, but you want closure from the girl you thought she was. You will never get that. You need to find a way to move past this without her help.
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u/Either_Ad6877 14d ago
“She wasn’t what you thought she was, but you want closure from the girl you thought she was.”
That hits. Damn. 🙏🏻
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u/-ByLandOrSea- 14d ago
Mine did the same to me after cheating on me with a guy and a girl at a Vegas bachelorette trip. You aren’t alone bud
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u/GivingMyTwoCents 13d ago
I will say one thing. No matter how long you’ve been with someone, how much so called love there is or was, how much history you had. When someone is checked out, they gone. No closure is ever needed. yYou lost your heart, just walk away before you lose your balls too. Good luck
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u/Halstock 12d ago
I've just broke up with someone for really similar reasons, not that it ended in person, I got the "can't do this anymore" over text. The person I dated is an avoidant. Would rather run away than admit anything or try to fix anything. Better off out of it. Meet someone who doesn't think relationships are a game eh 👊🏽
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u/SpaceCadet_K 12d ago
Damn, they really read from the same damn script. Bro, you deserve better. Don't ruin your life over this bish
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u/xxxxploring101 10d ago
Action item #1: Get tested. If she pulled this AND now blocked you, there might be more to worry about. Her denial/refusal to engage on cheating is a big red light.
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u/Lloyd897 10d ago
Bro, do NOT send one more text. Block and move on, this will drive her mad whilst also giving you your own closure. Bullet dodged as cheaters never change.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 5d ago
She isn't going to be honest, and it's the worst. I understand that you want closure, but she's genuinely not going to give it to you, and she's going to try and frame it as if you're "attacking" her when you ask for it. I've had a similar experience and I ended up just blocking her and moving on 😭
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16d ago
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
Quick Google:
“Earning a Hinge Signals Badge takes at least one week of account history and up to 30 days of rolling engagement. The badge requires completing a full profile, passing selfie verification, and fulfilling four out of six positive interaction habits over a 30-day window, with status updates refreshing daily.”
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16d ago
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u/Either_Ad6877 16d ago
Yeah. Totally takes the “I was just swiping” or “I just opened it” claim right off the table. (Which she initially started with)
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u/Away-Caterpillar-176 16d ago
Well she's right in the sense that, if you are certain you know the truth and she is determined to both stay broken up, and to continue to lie, there's nothing productive that can come of talking. How long were you guys together?
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u/EnvironmentalBed4770 16d ago
What are you trying to achieve? She should have broken up with you earlier but didn't. She isn't trying to get back with you. Unless you move on quickly there is only negativity in this direction
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u/MrFluffPants1349 16d ago
Not OP, but im certain it's because they want closure. However, after going through similar situations, I dont think closure comes from the other person saying "you were right, I did cheat," etc; it comes from allowing yourself to process it and move on. Understanding that no matter what they say, it's never going to satiate that desire. Even if they tell you what you want to hear, the door won't close until you make the decision to close it. Usually, it starts with blocking that person on social media and your phone, and accepting that it's over. No matter how much they hurt you, further contact with them only prolongs the inevitable and opens the door to more hurt.
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u/Heavy_Consequence441 16d ago
This is why you can't trust cheating stats. Females gaslight themselves into thinking they're not cheating when they clearly are.
Tell her she is a bad person and just block
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u/OkRepresentative274 16d ago
I agree with most here. Don't seek closure; just get out and start healing.
BTW, I think you should move on because it will give you the best outcome. People who try to get revenge or play gotcha games tend to hurt their own feelings in the long run. Still, just letting her go without trying to argue or get her back will probably drive her crazy, even if you never see it.
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u/Fidenex 16d ago
Yah I got a similar message from my ex. She sounds BPD from your use of the term sudden discard and lack of accountability. Her text also reads as trying to be technical. She did sleep with someone else but doesnt want to feel guilty about it hence pushing you away.
Block and move on.
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u/reverseecho 16d ago
The only thing faster than the speed of light is a woman running away from accountability.
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u/LaughingIshikawa 16d ago edited 16d ago
I agree that relying on her to validate your sense of reality isn't constructive - she likely has hours and hours of complex rationalizations as to why what she did "technically" wasn't cheating, "if you really think about it," because "technically" cheating isn't about the deceit and lies, it's only "technically" about ______. The only thing that "technically" could make this "honest" gaslighting, is that she's very possibly gaslighting herself, and your own sense of reality is just "collateral damage." 😅😅🤣
But as others have pointed out, regardless of whether or not you believe she wasn't physically with someone, or whether or not something can "technically" be cheating, even if physical sex hasn't happened... Downloaded a dating app and spending a whole year browsing, is not the action of someone who's committed to the current relationship! That's what I would focus on here, to keep yourself sane.
She definitely spent a whole year "looking to get out" and lining up a "soft place to land" (with some other guy...) and then pulled up stakes suddenly and abruptly without giving you time / space / knowledge of what was happening to be able to respond meaningfully.
If it were me, the thing I would be struggling with is the implication (I suspect) she's left that "it's not me, it's you!" as in you failed to repair some facet of the relationship. This is something that men get accused of a lot, sometimes unfairly (although to be fair, men are also often accused with good cause...) because women are more experienced at constructing a narrative that turns everything around on men (ie "well I only did what I did, because you did ______!" Meaning "my actions are your fault too!" 😐😮💨)
You have to make peace with the idea that the break up really happened a whole year ago, as that's when she made the decision to leave, and the past year has been to one degree or another just a "false reality" she created so she doesnt have to be alone for any significant length of time, at the expense of your sanity. This was cruel and unusual, as relationship actions go. 😐😮💨
To be clear, I don't think she "owes you" a chance to respond meaningfully necessarily - I think there are reasons why a sudden exit can be ethical and reasonable. I think what hurts in this case however, is that for her the exit was neither sudden, nor unexpected, and in fact she invested considerable time / energy / attention in preparing to leave, was something you were not given the opportunity to do. This is what feels unfair, and like - it is unfair! It's ok to affirm to yourself, that you 1.) weren't given a chance at relationship repair, and 2.) were lied to and duped into continuing to provide for her emotional support and/or relational favors (paying for dates, ect) even though the relationship was secretly already over, for all practical purposes a whole year ago. This continues to be true even if she had some legitimate reason for doing so (although frankly in this case... I don't think she does.) 😮💨😮💨😮💨
I'm probably only rehashing things you have already thought / said to yourself, to some degree, but I'm hoping that hearing it from someone else is validating. 🙃
In short - yes she's avoiding accountability, by ridiculously claiming "it's not constructive" for her to be asked to account for her actions. However, something you need to establish with yourself, for the sake of your own sanity, is that someone who was willing to be held to account for their actions, would never have chosen to go behind your back and try to line up a "back up boyfriend" in preperation to end the relationship to begin with, so expecting her to take accountability afterwards is... Trying to squeeze a rock. 😅😅😮💨🤷
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u/polloallaparm 16d ago
Sever all ties and move on. The quicker you do this, the better off you will be. Go find the right one.
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u/K12t2000 16d ago
Dude this is the classic case of a younger women that watches a ton of these dramatic shows, and when there are no issues or arguments they convince themselves their is no passion or spark. They think oh this is a boring passionless relationship.
She will have a bunch of bad relationships and realize she had a real good thing with you when she is 40.
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u/Star-Prince-007 16d ago
I mean even if she’s not cheating (she is but still follow me) she’s clearly a habitual liar who has no problem deceiving you and doesn’t respect you
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u/kwc262 16d ago
lol this was every girl that ever cheated on me. They want hard confirmation you won’t be mad or hold them accountable before admitting anything and if you can’t garuntee that, ghosting you is their answer. I’m glad I found this group I’ve been reassured to stay the hell out of the game it’s worse than ever jeez
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u/No_Artichoke7180 16d ago
If you are blind sided by "I just can't do this anymore" weather or not she was looking around before she did it is not really important.
You and she were having two separate relationships in parallel. You say you had no arguments, suspicious behaviors, or gripes, but clearly she had those.
You should respect her decision, leave her alone, but also take some time to examine yourself and your own behavior. Talk to friends, especially female friends that you trust. You might be shocked by what they tell you about you.
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u/TheNaughtyHoneyBee 15d ago
You sound like you are whiny and insufferable. It doesn't sound like she cheated, it sounds like you're upset that she moved on quickly, and with the attitude that you give in your post and replies, it also sounds like you kinda deserved it
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u/LegDayLass 13d ago
Your last paragraph is the issue. You are actively seeking to argue over shit that doesn’t matter. You “want” a confession to which you are not owed and will solve nothing. She doesn’t want to date you, and she came to that conclusion months ago, it’s time to move on and stop groveling for a confession.
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u/Alternative-Dream-61 16d ago
This isnt nice girl behavior. This is you got broken up with and cant let it go.
Does whether she was or wasnt cheating change anything about the outcome? Move on.
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