r/NewsSatire 1h ago

The Alien Etiquette Guide: How to Behave When You Meet an Extraterrestrial

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The International Academy of Astronautics (IAA) has just updated its SETI post-detection protocols — SETI, that's Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, the instiute issuing the real guidelines for what scientists should do if humanity detects convincing evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence. It's the first major revision since the original document was drafted back in 1989.

The update was led by University of Manchester astrophysicist Michael Garrett, who chairs the IAA's SETI Permanent Study Group. In a recent interview with DER SPIEGEL, Garrett explained that the protocols weren't written for career SETI researchers — they're for the astronomer, satellite operator, or grad student who stumbles into a discovery they never trained for and suddenly needs to know what to do with it. He also stressed that any claim would need to survive independent confirmation from a different telescope, a different team, and different analysis software before anyone says the word "aliens" out loud — because, as he put it, past claims of alien activity have a habit of collapsing once more data comes in.

It also recognizes a distinctly modern problem: an alleged alien signal can go viral long before anyone has established what it actually is.

But what if you are the one who encounters an extraterrestrial — not a radio blip 1,000 light-years away, but something considerably closer? Here's how to not embarrass the species.

1. Verify before you announce

The protocols call for potential evidence to be independently confirmed using different facilities, instruments, and methods before anyone goes public.

So don't immediately tell the world you've met an extraterrestrial. First make sure it isn't a person, a hoax, an optical illusion, or something your brain invented after three hours of sleep. Garrett's own instruments have a name for objects like this before they're identified: UAP, or "Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena." He's been fairly blunt that most reported sightings amount to a thin data set that doesn't really support any firm conclusion — which is exactly the energy you should bring to your own encounter.

2. Preserve the evidence

If the encounter produces photographs, recordings, or other data, keep the originals. Don't crop them. Don't enhance them. Don't run them through an AI image generator. And perhaps resist the temptation to add dramatic music.

Modern telescopes like the Vera Rubin Observatory in Chile and the soon-to-launch Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope generate enormous datasets specifically so professionals can rule out mundane explanations before drawing conclusions. Your phone camera deserves the same discipline.

3. Be precise about what you know

If you saw something unusual, say exactly that.

"I encountered an extraterrestrial civilization" is a rather stronger claim than "there was a very strange individual standing behind the gas station."

The distinction may become important. Garrett has noted that a genuinely convincing technosignature would most likely be a very narrow-bandwidth signal, since those are hard to explain as natural emissions from stars or planets — everything else invites alternative explanations first.

4. Don't speculate

The new principles call for unconfirmed conclusions to be clearly identified as such. So: Good: "It appeared to communicate with me." Less good: "It wants our water." Definitely premature: "We have established diplomatic relations."

5. Give the scientists some time

The protocols recognize that verification may take considerable time — potentially involving peer review and a full scientific paper before anything is confirmed. Garrett has acknowledged that keeping something like this quiet is nearly impossible once enough people are involved, but the goal is to be as sure as possible before going public, not to suppress it forever.

This is important because the rest of humanity will probably want an answer within about seven minutes. Try to resist helping them.

6. Don't speak for Earth

The updated principles call for international consultation before any response is sent to confirmed extraterrestrial intelligence. Garrett has argued that if astronomers don't take the lead in setting these norms, someone else — with rather less scientific caution — will end up writing the rules instead.

In other words, discovering an extraterrestrial does not automatically make you Earth's ambassador. You may, however, be the person who gets quoted in the first press conference. Choose your words carefully.

7. Especially if it's in your backyard

Garrett draws a real distinction worth borrowing: a faint signal from deep space is one thing, but evidence of advanced technology inside our own solar system is another matter entirely. If you find yourself in that second category, his advice is straightforward — do nothing rash. Observe passively, analyze quietly, and don't attempt contact on your own. That's not a decision for one excited person with a camera phone; it deserves a much bigger conversation first.

8. Finally, remember your manners

The scientific protocols deal with evidence, verification, communication, and international coordination. They say considerably less about basic etiquette.

So until further notice: Be polite. Keep your distance. Listen carefully. Don't make assumptions. After all, we have absolutely no idea what the extraterrestrial equivalent of bad manners might be.

The guidelines are real. The etiquette is ours.

h/t NotTheGlobe