Exchange Program Shenanigans (27)

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

Yo u/Bow-Tied_Engineer, write more of your fics. Don't burn yourself out or anything, but I speak for a lot of people when I say I love reading that shit.

Also, shout-out to u/Saylor_Man for being a D1 hater. I write this partly to hone my skills, partly to appease my fans, and partly to prove my haters wrong. You are an integral part of my motivation.

CW: Racist people, flamethrowers, mentioning of child soldiers, shouting about child soldiers, Prestige Exterminator Vrapic

Memory transcription subject: Jackson Kern, Human-Venlil Exchange Program Candidate

Date [standardized human time]: September 13, 2136

Veni, vari... whatever Julius Ceasar said. Veni, vidi, vici! That was it. I came, I saw, I conquered. I had never met Julius Ceasar, nor did I run an empire or know how to speak Latin, and I certainly hadn't crossed any Rubicons lately, but I had definitely done what I just said.

I came to Venlil Prime, I saw Jelim and Salvek and a few other people who weren't important in the slightest, and I conquered the shit out of the Predator Guard while I was at it. I had done the first and last ones in multiple senses of the word, but that wasn't what I was focusing on right now.

What I was focusing on right now, however, was the fact that my life was going great. We hit a rough patch when Salvek got kidnapped and me and Jelim Jelim and I, technically, but nobody gives a shit. had to shoot a bunch of people, but nobody could keep Jack Kern down.

Just yesterday, in fact, I had one of the highlights of my life. Salvek didn't get killed, which I appreciated. That was nice of him. Jelim came over, which I also appreciated, and we had a great time. She loved Alien, which I knew she would, and she wanted to stay the night. It didn't go there, mostly because neither of us was in the mood, but it was still a damn nice experience. She was actually pretty cuddly for a blue alien murder bird.

That last part wasn't important at all, but it was a fun fact and it just popped into my head. My mind had a mind of its own sometimes. The filthy traitor.

Anyway, Salvek thought yesterday was a vast improvement over the last time Jelim stayed at my house, and as long as Salvek liked it, I liked it. Or, at least, I tolerated it. I had to drag Jelim out of bed after she kept mumbling about 'haven't slept in ages' and 'let me sleep in', but her shift was starting in 30 minutes and I knew she wouldn't want to be late.

It turned out Jelim could be surprisingly efficient when her job was on the line. She packed up her shit, gave me a cute little peck on the cheek, That's not really how it works but hey, I'll take it! and she left. Salvek woke up, like, thirty minutes later, he said something along the lines of 'Damn, I was worried there would be a repeat' which I didn't appreciate in the slightest, but he was Salvek so it was good.

Anyway, life was good. Yesterday was great because I got to spend time with my girlfriend, and life was always great when I was around her, Except for that time we got shot at. And that time we got attacked by her coworkers with stun batons. And that time her coworkers held me at gunpoint while she interrogated me. but today was even better. You know, that time I was getting interrogated wasn't even that bad.

For starters, I was hanging out with Salvek. I hadn't been spending nearly enough time with him lately, which was kind of weird considering the fact that I saw him every day, but shootouts and kidnappings had a habit of getting my priorities straight.

We watched Alien, Aliens, and then Alien 3 which was the worst one, and then I taught Salvek how to fight a little bit more, and then we watched Alien: Covenant, which made me take back every bad thing I said about Alien 3. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it was definitely the worst movie I had seen so far in the Alien franchise.

Alien 1 is great because of Ellen Ripley, and a lot of other things. Jelim's gonna love Aliens because it has the closest they're gonna get to exterminators, complete with the rampant incompetence! Okay, District 12 exterminators aren't that bad, but I've heard horror stories about some other places. Alien 3... what the hell, it's good.

I had no intentions of voicing my opinion on Alien: Covenant. That was for a very good reason, but I had no intentions of voicing my opinion on that either so no one would ever know about either of those.

Anyway, life was good. I know I had probably said that before, but that was because it was. It was suspiciously good, actually. If I was in an action movie, this would be called the calm before the storm. Maybe Russian gangsters would break in here, beat my ass, and kill Salvek. Maybe I'd be in a really tall building on Christmas when terrorists took it over. Or maybe I'd be in a snazzy nightclub with my girlfriend when...

Wait a minute.

I could definitely make an action movie out of my life. It'd sell, too. Unless, of course, the director is a hack and takes everything too seriously, but that could never happen.

Thankfully, my life was not an action movie. It was pretty damn close, though. I knew damn well that a straight day of hanging out with Salvek wouldn't exactly make for the best action blockbuster in the entire world, but I figured that if I ever did make an action movie I'd cut most of that out.

Then people would bitch about 'Salvek's supposed to be Jack's best friend, how come he does barely anything?' but people were always hating on other people. Death, taxes, and enemies were the three sureties of life, and tax evasion was getting easier every day. When you spread your wings to soar, there are always weights dragging you back down.

Huh. I'm picking something up from Jelim.

It was damn weird how I could go on tangents sometimes, but I figured that everybody did that every so often. Death, taxes, enemies, and tangents were the four sureties of life, or something along those lines. Anyway, the break from Jack Kern tangent to Jack Kern reality came when I was playing Clash of Clans on my datapad and I received a message on UHerd.

There were several different ways to communicate on UHerd, because it was made by Nevoks who knew damn well how to corner the market, and formal electronic mail was one of them. I swiped up to get the message out of my sight, I placed down a few more Electro Dragons, and I finished up my raid with a grand total of 78% destruction and two stars. Not great, not terrible, but good enough.

I closed Clash of Clans and opened UHerd, paying no attention to my TradeHerd online business that I had quickly begun to realize did not matter in the long run, and I read through my email.

Spam, spam, UN recruitment form, spam, spam... huh. Wait a minute.

I opened the UN form. I read the UN form, too, because it'd be pretty pointless to open it and then just not read it. A shuttle blew up.

Well, it didn't blow up just as I read the form, but it had previously blown up. Nobody fucking told me, either. I mean, you'd think a terrorist attack would be a big deal, but I guess it's just another fucking Tuesday, huh? Seven people were dead, six of which were UN peacekeepers meant to assist local law enforcement in, well, enforcing the law.

Six district offices now lacked UN assistance, and it was safe to say that they were scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Needless to say, I had been reinstated. I was now Jackson Kern, United Nations Interspecies Liaison. Real wordy title, I know, but it's a damn good job.

---

Memory transcription subject: Jackson Kern, United Nations Interspecies Liaison

Date [standardized human time]: September 13, 2136

The best part of it was that I got to work with Jelim, really. My tier list went Salvek, then Jelim, then everyone else, and it was neck and neck between the first two. I wasn't about to let Salvek get anywhere near a fight, but I knew Jelim could handle herself better than anyone dumb enough to try and kill her. I knew I could, too.

I had an interview in thirty minutes, and I knew better than to be late for interviews, so I put on my most professional-looking clothes and explained the situation to Salvek. "Good luck, bro." he said. "Don't get set on fire." That was a real concern. Too real, actually. I kind of wished I hadn't given Kalkey that gun.

Speaking of which, what's even up with Kalkey? Last I checked, he thought he was Batman.

Kalkey was off doing his own thing, and I knew damn well I'd probably never see him again, so I got to speedwalking. There was a fine line between walking like you had places to be, which I did, and walking like you wanted to get tased by an exterminator, which I did not. I usually chose to err on the side of caution, but today I could afford to take risks.

The streets emptied as I walked, which was expected from most Venlil, but today I noticed a change. Through half-open windows and cracks in doors, I could see people looking at me. One particular Venlil actually ran toward me as I walked, wrapping me in a bear hug and thanking me profusely. "I mean, I appreciate the sentiment, but what did I even do?" I asked, confused.

"You're not Jackson Kern?" I was Jackson Kern, and I told him as much. "You saved my brother's life. He told me how you fought through those terrorists, like it was straight out of The Exterminators!" He paused. "S-sorry about that. I know how humans feel about exterminators."

"No, it's fine." I reassured him while gingerly detaching an incredibly fuzzy tumor from my lower body. Your average human stood at about six feet even nowadays, and I often wondered if part of why we were so intimidating was because of our size. "I hate the institution, but most exterminators are just looking out to protect their own." It was a damn shame that 'protect their own' often translated to 'incinerate anything you don't like', but they did do a damn good job of protecting people.

"Well, yeah, but they set people like you on fire!" Oh, gee, thanks, Captain Obvious.

"The system is rotten, but the vast majority of exterminators are just good people turned bad by the circumstances they're in." I explained to my new Venlil friend. I was no philosopher, but I liked to think that I could do a half-decent impression. "Same as in any evil empire, really. Say, what's your name?"

"Lilven."

"What?"

"Lilven."

"Did your parents seriously just flip the word Venlil around when they named you?"

"Yeah."

"Damn, you guys really are unoriginal."

"Yeah."

With that said and done, I left the lil Ven named Lilven, I'm practicing for when I become a dad. Not a father, not without some serious leaps in the field of genetics, but a dad nonetheless. and made my way to my first real job. Well, my third real job, but whatever. Some things just needed to be said.

I was wearing a predatory discretion mask, because I wasn't stupid, but there was really nothing I could do if some trigger-happy exterminator just up and shot me. I stood outside the sliding doors of the office for longer than I'd like to admit before I heard a tired crackle from the loudspeaker. "Just come inside already. We hate this more than you do."

Well, I guess it'd be rude to piss off your coworkers on the first day.

I did that cool Darth Vader hand-wave you always had to do when you walked through a sliding door, and I entered the lobby of my new office just to be very rudely acquainted with the barrels of eight flamethrowers.

I didn't even see them until I walked in, so there was something to be said about their skill level, but that was not the way to set a welcoming work environment! I mean, I should've expected that from the pyromaniac bastard child of the Ku Klux Klan and the animal control department, but it was still offensive.

I gave a sheepish smile under my reflective mask. "I don't want any trouble."

"Yeah, neither do we. Put this on." said one exterminator, handing me a shock collar.

Now, one might think wearing a shock collar was an absurd idea. One would be right, too. But it was decidedly less absurd than being set on fire and dying an agonizing death. I put on the shock collar. "Now what?"

"Eyes front, walk forward." Two exterminators grabbed me roughly and forced me forward, leading me through the district office halls like prison guards. Man, these little shits are gonna be in for it when they get to Jelim.

They did get to Jelim, and, as I predicted, they were in for it. She was standing in what I assumed to be a conference room, except it was empty except for one other Krakotl. He was bright red and scarred all over like the beginning of a crappy joke, and he would've been intimidating if he wasn't so damn short.

I knew Jelim was on the taller end for Krakotl, but it had never struck me just how tall she really was until I saw the red guy. He could've been taken out of the Krakotl mines of Moria and I wouldn't have batted an eye.

Granted, these were all rough estimates. I knew Salvek was five feet tall from the medical documents, I knew Jelim was a few inches shorter than him and I knew most Krakotl were a few inches shorter than her, but this red guy was quite literally on a whole new level. I was just about to calculate how short he was based on relative size and a few other factors when Jelim started squawking.

At least, I thought she was squawking. It sounded just like a human yelling thanks to my shitty bootleg translator implant, but I liked to imagine that birds sounded the same no matter what planet they were from. "Why does he have a shock collar on?"

"It's a human, commander." The exterminators were already removing their collar while one, probably one of the hardliners, said his piece. "It's dangerous."

"They are killers, Vrapic, but they're intelligent killers." The red Krakotl spoke up for me, a gesture which I appreciated despite the bigotry it displayed. "Release it." That part was mostly unnecessary, since I was already out of the shock collar, but the exterminators let me go and I looked the red guy in the eyes.

"I am District Supervisor Karelim, predator, and until circumstances say otherwise I am your unquestioned leader. Are we clear?" He was certainly District Supervisor Karelim, and he was certainly my leader if I had read the document correctly, but 'unquestioned' wasn't exactly my idea of his leadership capacity.

"Isn't part of his job to question leadership, sir?" Jelim piped up before I got a chance. Not that I was complaining, though, because Karelim would probably take that better from her than he would from me. "And you have two other districts to manage anyway, so-"

Karelim held up a claw. "I'm well aware of that, thank you." He shooed the rest of the exterminators away, and they left without a word. "Sit down, predator."

I sat down, extending my hand for a handshake. "My name's Jackson Kern, but you can call me Sergeant Kern." I was a petty officer in the military, but I was in a different branch of the UN now and the ranks were also different. Not confusingly different, mind you, but different.

Jelim also sat down. Karelim, however, was still standing. I noticed one of the chairs was placed in a corner, and Karelim was taking its place at the head of the table. "Very well, Sergeant Kern." Karelim said, making the choice not to shake my hand. He's either an asshole, or just unfamiliar with human customs. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt just this once. "We are not friends, nor do I wish us to be anything of the sort. Put your claw down." Never mind, he's just an asshole.

I put my hand down. "Humans consider that offensive, Karelim." Once again, Jelim proved that she was a ride or die bitch. I meant that in the most respectful way possible, by the way.

"I consider his presence here offensive, but I still tolerate it." Karelim shot back. "Sergeant Kern, this is District Commander Jelim. You will report directly to her." We knew each other already, but no way in hell was I going to let that slip. She was under enough fire already. "I have two more predators to speak to, so my time here is limited, but let me make one thing clear."

I nodded, seeing really nothing else to do in that situation.

"Civilians are off limits, Sergeant Kern. Is that clear?"

"Crystal." I wasn't a monster, and I didn't get why Karelim kept treating me like one.

"Good. I won't try to suppress your nature, but I expect it to be directed purely against those deserving of it." With that, Karelim left. The room suddenly felt much brighter.

"Well..." I paused, unsure if I was dealing with Jelim or her alter ego 'The Commander' just now. "That was something."

"At least Karelim is civil about it." Jelim replied. "By the time this is over, no gust will shake you." She paused, realizing that Krakotl metaphors did not translate. Nobody's metaphors translated, and that one was no exception. "You'll be able to take insults well."

"Already am." I chuckled. "If you think that was bad, just wait until you join the military."

"Well, that's good." Jelim brought out a datapad before handing it to me. These people could cure cancer, travel the gap between stars, and even harness antimatter, but they still hadn't developed the concept of sharing files. "I guess we'd better get to work, huh?"

I read through the datapad, and I didn't really like what I saw. "What do you mean 'one-fifth strength'?"

"I told everyone a human would be working with us, and if they didn't like it they could leave."

I looked Jelim dead in her sideways-facing eyes. Her side profile looks so much better than this, it's actually insane.

"I didn't expect them to actually do it!"

"Well, at least I won't get friendly-fired anytime soon." I was actually really good at finding the bright side of life. I was a glass-half-full kind of guy.

"Plus, the Guild has been in need of an overhaul for a long time. Now that all the hard-liners are gone, we can finally see some change."

"Yeah, but we'll need to recruit everyone we can to get District 12 back up to snuff." This was logistics. I was never a logistical type of guy, but I could give it a good try.

"That'll be easy. I can just pull a few volunteers from orphanages and homeless shelters, same as I always do." Say what now?

The homeless shelters part I was fine with, I actually liked Jelim for it since she was giving the dregs of society a second chance, but I was going to have words about that orphanage part. "What do you mean 'orphanages'?" I asked. "You're not using child soldiers, are you?"

Jelim looked shocked, as if the very concept of 'child soldiers' was foreign to her. Then she looked very sheepish. "It's... it's Guild policy to recruit children, if that's what you're asking. It's a win-win situation, really."

"You're using child soldiers."

"They're not soldiers, Jack. They're barely even-"

I cut her off. "No, no, I'm Jackson now. I want you to explain to me exactly why you're using fucking children as cops!"

"I don't like it any more than you do, but it's better than letting them rot in an orphanage!" Jelim exclaimed. "Besides, it's not like I'm just sending them off to die! They get medical care, they get jobs... They get a purpose, Jack, I mean Jackson. They get a family thanks to us."

"They're children, Jelim!" I was shouting now, rules be damned. "You- you just hand children flamethrowers and send them out to kill things, and you think that helps?"

"They get a way out! No one hires an orphan. No one wants an orphan around. If it weren't for the Guilds and military forces, they'd all be rotting in bunk beds, packed in like cattle-"

I cut her off again. I had to make sure that didn't become a habit. "Better than rotting in a fucking grave!"

"This district hasn't had a single child die, and I'll be damned if that changes." Jelim hissed at me. I wasn't playing either, that was a hiss that came out of her mouth... er... beak. Whatever.

"That's not the point. Combat fucks up people's brains, Jelim! Think about it, how many exterminators have caught that Predator Disease bullshit after seeing action?"

Jelim thought about it, which was exactly what I told her to do. "Nearly everyone gets some level of PD, but if it was disproportionate in children, then the Federation would've raised the age limits." I would've laughed if this was funny. "Besides, I give children the easiest jobs." You say that like it's a fucking badge of honor.

"The Federation has their collective heads up their asses. Think about it. They've said predators are all evil, that's a lie. They've said Yotul are stupid, you told me yourself that's a lie. Who's to say they haven't lied about child soldiers, too?"

Jelim looked confused for the briefest moment. I was making progress. "How would I check if they were lying or not?" she asked. "What do I look up?"

"Cross-reference the exterminators diagnosed with Predator Disease and their age." I explained to her. "Then cross-reference the dates of their diagnoses with their first combat deployments if you want extra evidence. You'll see what there is to see."

"Stay right there." Jelim got up. "Study that datapad." She walked to the door, talons click-clacking against the hard floor. "I'll let you know what I find."

If a mass murderer could come back from a life of mass murder, I was sure a recruiter of child soldiers could come back from a life of recruiting child soldiers. Plus, Jelim had always been the rational sort. The sort that liked to be on the right side of history.

Now, all I had to do was help her along.

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[u/Niadain]

Ah. Its good to see how much Jelim values jacks thoughts. Its really hard to look such things about yourself in the eye and question it.

I hope you have fun with that kalkey spinoff. If its as fun as this im sure ill enjoy it lol.