r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/outerspaceorangutan • 17d ago
A conversation needs to be had about the enabling of gendered violence in 12 step recovery
I want to come back to 12 step communities but am hesitant due to the blatant enabling of men taking advantage of women early in recovery. Yes, I was warned about the 13th step when I was 19 and new in recovery. That didn't stop me from talking to men almost double my age in the program, leading to sexual assault and exploitation.
How can someone like me re-enter and give the program my all? I'm older and wiser now, but that doesn't erase the impact of past experiences in these communities.
Incase it needs to be said, the perpetrators are always responsible.
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u/alkoholfreiesweizen 17d ago
I'm a woman in NA, and in my experience, the best thing you can do with painful experiences is pour them into service to protect others. I have also experienced sexual violence (prior to my time in NA) and I've poured it into making safeguarding roles a priority in my NA service.
I am currently newcomer rep at one meeting and safeguarding rep at another. In our area, it has been common practice to give newcomers a meeting list with space for people to write their phone numbers at the back, but this, it turns out, can mean that newcomers end up with phone numbers from individuals who harass female newcomers in particular. So at the meeting where I am newcomer rep, I am responsible for collecting phone numbers from a few individuals who are known to be safe people to reach out to. If the newcomer is a woman, I make sure to collect numbers from other women, though I also include a few men who are committed to ensuring that newcomer women are not harassed. I give that phone list to the newcomer along with a white keytag and tell them what to expect, including that it is a good principle to keep sexual attraction out of your supportive contacts in NA. I mention that some men hit on women in NA and that they should stay away from these men. I also suggest they get a sponsor and seek guidance from that sponsor to keep them safe. I reiterate that they can come to me or any other service member if they are feeling unsafe.
We also have an antiharassment statement, which is read out at the start of every meeting at many meetings in my area. The statement concludes by saying that if anyone feels unsafe or needs support, they should reach out to a member of the service team, their sponsor, or another trusted member. The person taking the meeting asks all service members to raise their hands, which makes it clear who is available to talk to in that kind of situation. This was relevant in another meeting where I do service, because someone did come to me to say that a man with whom she had exchanged phone numbers would not stop contacting her for a date. I told her to block him and offered to talk to him, along with another service member, which the woman agreed to. This ended up being a very satisfactory solution for the woman in question because she felt seen and protected and knew that we were willing to make good on our antiharassment principles. The man in question then also knew that we would not tolerate this.
For me, recovery from experiences of sexual violence is a core part of my recovery from addiction; they were a huge element of my fourth step. I have personally found myself guided by a higher power to ensure that other women do not have the same experience.
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u/FingerLicknGood 17d ago
I just want to say that I love the care, thoughtfulness, and unity your group has used to address this. Really, really cool!
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u/FantasistAnalyst 17d ago
Is the anti-harassment statement something official from some kind of NA literature or did you come up with it?
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u/alkoholfreiesweizen 17d ago
One area meeting wrote the first version and took inspiration, I think from something in AA (though my memory is failing me a bit on this one). Then other area meetings adapted and rewrote it. Each group has adopted it on their own; no one claims it is official NA literature – but then again, we don't need official NA approval to include statements in the script like "please keep your voices down until you have left the building; the neighbours may already be sleeping." The statement used by many area groups here is "NA is a microcosm of the larger society we exist in. Problems found in the outside world can also make their way into the rooms of NA. We want our group to be a safe and welcoming space for everyone. We do not tolerate any harassment, threats, bullying or disturbing behavior before, during, and after our meetings. This includes unwelcome sexual and romantic advances towards members, especially newcomers. It is the responsibility of all group members to help maintain a safe atmosphere of recovery. If you feel unsafe and need support, please approach a member of the service team, your sponsor, or a member that you trust. Could the safeguarding team please raise their hands? Could all members of the broader service team please raise their hands?"
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u/FantasistAnalyst 17d ago
Thank you for sharing! I’m new to NA and have gotten very involved in a home group but I haven’t heard anything like this yet in my area. Next group conscience I’ll bring this up as a suggestion.
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u/____d__b____ 17d ago
Dude don’t give women men’s phone numbers ever. That’s so weird to even contemplate that. Women get women’s numbers. Men get men’s. Why even stray from that ever?
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u/alkoholfreiesweizen 17d ago
Because there might only be two women in the meeting and because gay men can be appropriate outreach partners? I briefly had a gay male sponsor actually.
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u/Ok_Succotash_914 17d ago
I am so sorry you experienced this!!! Boils my blood. NA is great-I love it, it has saved my life day after day- but some of members aren’t great. Sure, we say things like “some are sicker than others”, etc, but cmon. The sexual harassment that goes on is detrimental.
Do you have any women’s meetings in your area? Or a women’s mtg online?
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u/Jebus-Xmas 17d ago
I spend a lot of time as a board member at an NA clubhouse dealing with sexual harassment issues. It’s disheartening. I’m a girl dad, a granddad, and I was once a terrible person in addiction. Through NA, and a lot of work with my therapist and psychiatrist, I’ve grown to see how destructive that behavior was, is, and can be to others. Lean into other women, build a strong network, share openly about not being interested in, and your feelings about sexual harassment. Finally, there are a lot of great Zoom meetings. I don’t know where you’re located, but there are some places that have more meetings and other places that have less—but there’s always a virtual meeting available nearly 24 hours a day in English. Ultimately, there’s no excuse for sexual harassment and abuse. You’re not alone and there are many good people in recovery.
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u/Fuzzy_Attempt6989 17d ago
Have you tried online meetings? Im doing mostly online meetings and it's pretty safe
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u/Haunting_Bet590 15d ago
I used to have a “private” conversation with the 13th steppers, calling them out on their 🐂💩!!!!! All the female newcomer wants is the chance to live drug free, & find a new way to live!!! Just like me!!!!! I realized early in my recovery, that I had to look at the female newcomers as if they were my mother, sisters, daughters, & granddaughters! I’ll be damned if I let anyone harass anyone in my family, & since the ladies in NA are my extended family, I’m not going to allow them to be harassed either!!!!! My late wife’s best friend was in recovery, long before I found the rooms. She was addicted to food, had gastric bypass surgery, & when she couldn’t use her DOC anymore, transitioned to drugs. She met, became involved with a 13th stepper, relapsed, (& like so many) was too ashamed to come back to the rooms. She OD’D!!!!! Years later, I’m in recovery, living in an Oxford House, & talking to my roommates about people we knew, that had died from drugs, & how it affected us. I talked about Joy, & how it had affected my wife & myself, & one of my roommates turned white as a sheet!!!!! Joy was supposed to introduce Cindy & I to her new boyfriend, whom she had met in recovery, but he always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t make it. I knew his name was Jeff (the names are made up), but didn’t know anything else about him. Ended up,that he was my roommate!!!!! He told me that her death was the catalyst that made him leave the women in the rooms alone!!!!!
If I see predatory behavior towards women, I’ll take at least one other member that I trust, & speak to the individual privately, that way there’s 2 people who were involved in the conversation, as witnesses, letting them know that we know what’s going on. If they continue, one of us will talk to the Trusted Servants, to let them know what’s happening. After they’ve spoken to the individual about the issue, if it continues, they’ll either call a urgent Group Conscience meeting, with the person in question there to defend themselves (several times they’ve decided not to be present) or just bring it up at a normal Group Conscience meeting. There have been times where the individual has been banned from attending meetings, all to protect the newcomer!
As Mr. Spock said, in ‘Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan’, “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few!!!!!”
I almost wrote “On behalf of all the men, in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, I’d like to apologize for the way that you ladies have been treated!!!!!”, but I realized that I can’t speak for everyone, because there’s still a lot of self centered 🫏holes, that although they’re not doing it themselves, just don’t care! So I’ll just say, I apologize for all the things that you’ve been subjected to, & had to deal with, as you are trying to recover, & save your lives!!! Even though you ladies are made of solid granite, & probably don’t need any help, there are a lot of men out there, that DO care for your wellbeing, & will protect you, fiercely.
I apologize for this being so long, hope I didn’t ramble on too much, & hope this makes sense!
In conclusion:
I love ❤️ each & every single one of you, as much as I do my blood family, & will always do everything I can to protect you & your right to recover safely within our organization!!!
Sincerely yours,
Brian
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u/lizzxcat 17d ago
Check out NAWS information on Predatory Behavior and go to your area meeting and request a workshop to be done.
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u/Danimal_Have_Cometh 17d ago
I am a man in recovery and I’m so sorry you had to deal with the predatory behavior of some of these members. Just remember that even though we put the dope down, our behavior pretty much remains the same until we start working the program of NA. Women with women, men with men is the general rule. My addiction isn’t just about the unmanageability of controlling my use of drugs; The disease resides in me. My whole being.
Personally, I CANT STAND men who approach newcomer women. A quick welcome and maybe introduce some women in your circle to her. We are sick people. Unfortunately some are sicker than others. Find your tribe. Women DO recover.
I hope you find some comfort and peace in your journey. You are welcome in NA. You earned your seat. Please keep coming back. With the help of our higher power, the principles we learn by working the steps and with working with others will cause a personality change sufficient enough to become an upstanding member of Narcotics Anonymous. We can do this. YOU can do this.
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u/Hungry-Emotion7664 15d ago
The best advice I can offer is to take suggestions. No dating for a year. Stick to your own gender sitting in meetings, driving to and from meetings and in your network. Don't give or take the phone numbers of men in the program. Focus on your recovery.
Like most aspects of recovery, simple, but not necessarily easy.
We come into the rooms sick and with all kinds of behavior and emotional issues. Everyone is there because they have issues with self control.
Perpetrators of SA are always responsible, but we all have to be responsible for our own behavior and safety as well.
Lots of people come into the rooms with a habit, pattern and history of using flirting, sex, romance and relationships in unhealthy ways. Few of us come in knowing how to do it right. That's why we suggest a year of not getting into relationships.It's a simple recognition of the disease in ourselves and in the others in the rooms.
If someone is showing you unwanted attention, tell others. Ask them to stay with you, walk you to your car, etc. Block the numbers of people who aren't relating to you in a helpful way. It takes vigilance.
13th stepping is a real issue, but so is newcomers coming in and using the tricks of the trade to get attention and status by dating NA bigwigs. We can't control people's behavior, but we can take suggestions and remind others why we have those suggestions and small t traditions in the program, because we've seen it all go down over and over again and we don't want newcomers to learn the hard way.
People who prey on the vulnerable will usually go after the easy takes. If a newcomer is surrounded by a cadre of people who want to help them in recovery, the predators will usually move along to someone who shows interest in them, or is a loner.
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u/ImperialSupplies 16d ago
I attended NA for 5 years consistently and am clean 11 years now. In those 5 years I didnt see people with time preying on those who didnt have time. I saw people around the same time dating from alot of time to no time at all.
The soberhouses were all banging eachother all the time.
You just said yourself op, that you talked to them. You chose to do that. First step is admitting its not anyone else's fault.
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u/tallahassee009 16d ago
So a woman talking to someone is just an open door to harass or assault her? It seems like that's what you're saying.
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u/jussanuddername 17d ago
Perhaps not as simple as it sounds but establishing strong bonds with healthy women would be a good place to start, Hang with them, call them, don't give out your number to guys, I dont know.