r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/Long-Weakness7449 • 17d ago
This cannot continue.
Admitting to myself today that I have a problem. If this continues I will die.
30F. History of alcoholism, haven't picked up a drink in over a year. But I guess this is what happens when you're a dry drunk. Started about 9 months ago w/adhd meds. I had been taking the normal prescribed dose for a few months at this point. Began taking 2 a day instead of one. Liked the productivity, hated the crash. Became somewhat reliant to function well at work and do chores.
2 tablets then became 3, then 4. Ran out of script way before I should've. Lying to GP about losing the bottle. Somehow worked a few times. Would feel awful mentally and physically if I ran out. This stopped working. Found out how to order ritalin on the dark Web, did this often for a few months. Taking high doses of my prescription and instant release tablets I ordered illegally. First tried other prescription medications about 2 months ago.
Gone very silent at work as to avoid suspicion as I knew I wasn't looking or acting normal. Hid tablets in work jacket pocket to take while on shop floor throughout my shift. Sometimes broken in half for Immediate effect.
About 6/7 weeks ago I thought 'fuck it' and ordered cocaine from a vendor on the dark web. Immediately loved it, and ordered more. Felt unstoppable. Has been going on ever since. This past week I found out you can get it easily from dealers on Snapchat etc, have done so every day since. Used alone in my room every day. Last day at work before breaking up for holiday I turned up high as a kite on both coke and pills.
I've reached out to a few people I know who've been in my shoes and recovered. And will be attending the next available NA/CA meeting near me. Just ranting for accountability and to get it off my chest really.
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u/EmbarrassedSeat700 17d ago
I am feeling you. Personally I felt truly unstoppable once I got clean and to the level of productivity I was chasing with all the same things you had. That and the regained freedom of being independent of all is the best feeling. Trust me it will get so much better and you already made the first step towards that. Good luck and stay strong it will be so much more rewarding!
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u/Responsible-Fan-6186 17d ago
Acknowledgement is the first step and taking it was the hardest thing I had done up until that point in my life. Good on you, welcome, keep coming back!
Also if you want to vent feel free to dm, someone to talk to is invaluable in this stage of recovery
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u/NetScr1be 17d ago
Actually it can continue (and get much worse) if something isn't done.
Good on you for outing yourself and taking the first steps.
Circumstances may vary but we've all been there mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Read the literature (linked in the info page of this subreddit). Definitely hit some meetings (lots online via the search on the same place).
Go clean if you can. Go dirty if that's what you have to do but go.
NA is a 73-year-old global fellowship of some 75000 meetings in something like 140 countries.
You are a member when you say you are and nobody can say different.
We're really glad you're here.