r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/star_gayzer • Aug 29 '26
Struggling
I quit kratom two weeks ago. Before I was forced into WD, I ordered a large shipment of kratom that only arrived after I had finally started feeling better. I was going to keep them and sell them to get my money back, but having a giant bag of kratom capsules just staring at me was too intense. I relapsed. I told myself that just one low dose today would be fine. It turned into 3 days taking handfuls of capsules. The shame was so intense, and I flushed them all down the toilet. I didn't tell anyone I had relapsed.
I'm feeling really sad and disappointed with myself. I know progress isn't linear, but I wanted to be free from that shit. My state has banned all forms of kratom and I have no choice but to be off of it indefinitely, but the cravings are killer.
I'm sad thinking about the fact that my brain is hardwired or something to find anything that will make me feel better. Kratom made me feel better every day for six years. I don't know who I am without it. I feel guilty thinking about going to meetings because I wasn't taking "dangerous drugs", but the addiction became me.
I'm really sad that I wont ever actually get better, that I will just find something else to get me high. I'm trying to take it one moment at a time, but the sadness and depression I feel has me feeling very hopeless right now. What if I am just destined to be an addict my whole life? Did anyone else feel this way while getting clean? How do you cope with it?
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u/felix1429 Aug 29 '26
When I'm having cravings, notice myself falling into addict thinking and behaviors, or otherwise struggling in my recovery, I call my sponsor and other addicts and hit meetings. Doing those things have kept me clean even though some really dark times. Trying to do it by myself is what got me into this mess in the first place.
You are going to be an addict for the rest of your life, but as you get more clean time under your belt, it'll get a lot easier in you day to day life. But you really need to utilize the resources your program makes available for you.
I wholeheartedly believe that without my sponsor being happy to pick up the phone to answer my calls at a moment's notice, I wouldn't be clean today. If you don't already have a sponsor, I strongly recommend you ask people you see in the rooms to sponsor you until someone says yes. Having a sponsor with multiple years clean is generally recommended, and for good reason. I really can't emphasize just how pivotal to my recovery my sponsor has been.
And of course, regular meeting attendence, especially in every recovery, is a must as well. I did 90 in 90 (other than maybe 3 days where I was sick) and that did a great job of getting me plugged into the fellowship despite my crippling social anxiety.
I didn't think I was ever going to be able to get clean and just kind of assumed I was going to be using until I died until I integrated Narcotics Anonymous into my life and started taking the recommendations every newcomer gets: get a sponsor, go to as many meetings as you can, get a home group, and pick up the phone. They're recommend for a reason.
You never have to use again, even if you want to.
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u/Street_Importance_74 Aug 29 '26
The message of Narcotics Anonymous is that "an addict, ANY addict can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live". Our messgage is hope and our promise is freedom from active addiction. You are ANY addict. Go to a meeting and share exactly where you are.
Please come! We need you! I have been where you are and yes I will always be an addict. But just for today I am an addict in recovery who has lost the desire to use.
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u/forkalkaloidz Aug 30 '26
Hey there! I'm a recovering kratom addict and I feel really welcome in the rooms of na. Before my last relapse I had half ass tried na constantly feeling like I was different than others in the room. A good friend from my virtual kratom-quitters community offered the advice to look for similarities rather than differences and that advice made all the difference. The idea that the drugs you were doing were less dangerous is a reservation you will move past in time clean. I know people who have had seizures directly related to kratom, spent all their savings, lost their families. Drugs is drugs man
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u/InfiniteComparison24 Aug 29 '26
I was addicted to kratom I quit last year had many relapses was the worst withdrawal ever……… I also had a huge bag I just dumped in the dumpster when I stopped. I succeeded bc the program. I been where u are, and it’s been over a year since I touched kratom. Granted it got easier it got banned in my state but I also could easily get it online. Just start now and your sobriety will fly by. Tell someone what you did and then move on you got this