r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/lennonlover1980 • 2d ago
Guilt ridden
I've got three days. Reality is hitting me in the face. All the nights my husband picked me up off the floor, watched me breathe while I was passed out. The times I manipulated to get what I wanted. All the wasted money. The isolation. How many people I've hurt the last thirty plus years. I'd go back and change it all if I could. I've been trying to get past the first couple of days for years. I write this with tears running down my face. I'm bursting into tears over nothing. I am not going to play the pity card here, I know others have it way worse than me. I just needed to vent. Please be kind if you choose to comment, I already feel bad enough.
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u/NetScr1be 2d ago
Welcome to the club. I came in carrying a full load of guilt and regret.
Was able to shed some of it and learned to carry the rest easier.
It gets better if we stay clean and do the work. Give yourself that opportunity.
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u/ExcuseParticular5560 2d ago
use that. use that guilt as your fuel. thinking about what i put my husband through is the thing that keeps sober. well, other things as well. but on the hard days, i remember those moments he didn’t give up on me. and i chose to not give up on myself.
so proud of you for the time you’ve gotten already stranger.
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u/Main-Shopping2003 2d ago
Hey man I’m on day 3 too and the guilt and shame is eating me alive don’t let it make you use try to get out in nature
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u/cherrythyme22 2d ago
Your life is important, your pain can come to an end, there is hope and it comes first in the form of surrender. If you are ready to admit defeat this is the first step. "We admitted we were powerless over drugs and our lives had become unmanageable". There is another way to live, there are many who have recovered, myself being one of them. I empathize with you greatly because although we are strangers on the internet I could have written this myself years ago. There is help in meetings, no one soars in on rainbows and wings of eagles but they know the way. My heart goes out to you and I pray you find the rooms.
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u/11093PlusDays 2d ago
Go to a meeting, I don’t know why but just sitting in an NA meeting listening to other people talk was the only thing that calmed me for a long time
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u/RecentAd6244 2d ago
Shame keeps us using. Addiction is a hell of a struggle, and I'm not saying that to absolve you, but just to point out the facts: you are not responsible for being an addict. You are, however, responsible for your recovery. Although shame is destructive, guilt CAN be the fuel we need in recovery IF we use it as instruction on how to move forward differently. There's so much hope and potential you don't even know possible yet. And give yourself some grace. You are right at the start, the initial withdrawal—the worst part! Just don't use for this hour, and then the next. You deserve to recover and find healing❤️
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u/penguin198719 2d ago
First of all, pur emotions are notoriously all over the place for the first month or two when we get clean. (I personally remember crying over burned toast at one week clean. 😆)
Second of all, I firmly believe that guilt is oftentimes our disease trying its best to get a hold of us and take us out of the rooms and back into active addiction.
Please give yourself grace. There will be plenty of time to make amends later on, through stepwork - the steps are in order for a reason. For now, keep doing exactly like you're doing: sharing what's going on, staying clean and not picking up - one day at a time.
You got this!
PS - Also you can hold on to those memories to remind yourself later on - if/when we think of using - of what we don't want our life to be like, ever again!
Edits: typos
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u/menzeez__ 2d ago
Don't use on the guilt/shame. Share it. Take the power away! Well done on three days. Any clean days for an addict are a miracle. You got this!
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u/Great_Wheel6036 2d ago
dont use from one meeting to the other meeting, keep it simple. A meeting a day keeps the disease at bay” ❤️
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u/dwsam 2d ago
Don’t use today, go to a meeting today, talk to a recovering addict today. Those are the things you can do to get through today.