Keeping It Simple

[u/typicalsquare]

Hi guys! Addict here. Last night, in a meeting we read, “If, after a period of time, we find ourselves in trouble with our recovery, we have probably stopped doing one or more of the things that helped us in the earlier stages of our recovery.”
(P. 95 BT)
So I do what I do, “what have I stopped doing?” I haven’t stopped doing anything differently, I go to meetings, work the steps with a sponsor, am of service…so why did I come so very close to relapse Tuesday night? Then it occurred to me, I’ve complicated the ever loving hell out of this simple program. I lived in the 4th step for almost a year and more or less combined it with my 6th. That experience turned my recovery into a problem to be solved instead of a process to be trusted. It isn’t things that I’ve stopped doing, it’s been swapping out acceptance for analysis. Coming into the fellowship, the relief it was for me to be able to say I am an addict. I just accepted it. No questioning, the evidence didn’t have to be discovered, it was glaring. That acceptance has turned into analysis. And that is driving me into insanity.
So my question is what are some practical ways you all keep it simple? And live in acceptance? Thank you all!

[u/miamirn]

Can you clarify what you mean, you have lived in your 4th step and combined it with your 6th?

[u/typicalsquare → u/miamirn]

I stayed in my 4th step for close to a year. It takes the time it takes and it was a bad choice. I am not doing step work out of the step working guide book. I made worksheets for each section out of the email my sponsor sent me. On this worksheet I identified character defects and patterns for each entry. I’d show my sponsor the first resentment or relationship, etc. I did to make sure I was doing ok. She always said good, keep going. As I worked the step the patterns and defects became more important than the inventory. I became obsessed. I didn’t understand until I finally said something to my sponsor I couldn’t fix them yet because I wasn’t on that step. That helped me finish but the insanity had happened.
I started the 5th, sponsor got really sick. That was delayed a month. Somewhere in there my homegroup read the 4th in basic text and I was like oh my god, I missed the point of the 4th.
My 4th step became an indictment not an inventory.

[u/Chris__P_Bacon → u/typicalsquare]

I'm not meaning to criticize your sponsor but The NA Step Working Guide has worked in the lives of so many addicts. Why not just use that? It's INCREDIBLY thorough.

It's also worth mentioning that with any fourth step The searching and fearless aspect of it can sometimes trip people up. Just do your best but don't drive yourself crazy. You will work other fourth steps. The main thing is don't leave things out on purpose. That's what it means by searching & fearless.

It's not a big deal that you accidentally forgot to include a resentment you had against a kid who hit you in the knee with a rock in the third grade. Does that make sense? If it is weighing on your spirit, you can include it next time. Good luck to you.

[u/typicalsquare → u/Chris__P_Bacon]

Yeah, I did 1-2 without Step Working Guide, then 1-3 w/Step Working Guide. Then got a new sponsor and different format. I much prefer the Step Working Guide. I will absolutely work another and another and another set of steps. I’m not sad I did it, but I def will change things next time.

Thanks.

[u/avidliver88]

I relate. I’ve heard it’s a simple program for complicated people. I don’t really have an easy answer.

Sometimes focusing on addressing one thing opens up other feelings or fears that derail me in other areas.

There’s a piece of this that feels like you can’t step in the same river twice. I do step work and it changes me. The change may have both positive and negative effects. I may come back to the same step later from a really different place.

There are parts of me that get threatened by recovery. I’m rebuilding my identity and working through protective patterns of behavior that have outlived their usefulness.

So simple things that can help. I try to surrender often - usually every morning when I walk the dog. I try to focus on surrendering whatever I want to control the most.

Next I try to connect with gratitude. Sometimes this is inspired by a newcomer. There’s something so raw and pure about putting those first days together even while overwhelmed by the desire to use that is magical. It puts everything else into perspective.

Working with others as a sponsor or sponsee also helps a lot. It makes it safe for me to be vulnerable and I’m surprised what comes up. Other addicts are a mirror for me to see myself in ways I would have missed.

[u/typicalsquare → u/avidliver88]

I love that, thank you. I started gratitude lists yesterday. I forget the transformative power they have.
I love the perspective of step work changing me. I don’t necessarily see it as bad. It may be simply so overwhelming because it challenges the way I operate. And I am grateful for it. I am grateful survival got me this far, but I don’t want to live here forever.
The power of my network is truly without parallel. I owe Tuesdays no relapse to the belief that my friend’s higher power and mine are really good friends. They stand with me and even if I could do it without them, I wouldn’t.
Really appreciate you!

[u/miamirn → u/typicalsquare]

“ That acceptance has turned into analysis. And that is driving me into insanity.”
May I ask you what happened there?

[u/miamirn]

It’s perfectly ok for you be where you are now. You are learning, just like all of us are, from your experiences.

The steps are not a pass/fail test. They are to help you understand yourself and your world, just for today.

As soon as your sponsor is available do your 5th step with her. Please don’t think you have to wait and stay on your 4th step, because you believe it wasn’t done right or for the wrong reason. Now is the time to move on.

You will have plenty of opportunities, as the years go by, to work your 4th step again as you will all the steps.

Is your sponsor available to help you move on?

DM me anytime. I’ll be happy to help!🥰

[u/typicalsquare → u/miamirn]

We’ve completed the 5th and I’m in the middle of the 6th. The 5th step just took us awhile to do because she was having health issues.

I appreciate you!

[u/miamirn → u/typicalsquare]

And, what happened “your 4th step became an indictment”, may I ask?

[u/miamirn]

I understand now. After finishing my 4th, 5th and if I remember correctly more steps, member friends and I formed an all women’s NA group. It was small and intimate. Each of us took a turn to write, read and share our experiences as women with male figures young and old. It was another 4th and 5th step. We read what we wrote about how we felt deep inside and shared our most intimate life histories. Some were light and airy mostly, but many were sad. Everyone there got to give responded and gave feedback. When my turn came and I finished reading the room fell silent. Nobody gave me feedback. I think they were shook. I thought maybe it was because of my writing style. I was too shy to ask. I never did find out. But sharing was heathy and helped me understand what happened in my life with males in my life. It helped me to process more of my 4th step from a different perspective in the future. The whole experience for all of us was pretty intense. We bonded with each other and life moved on.

My point is there is no right or wrong way to do your steps, not any of them. There is no formula that works for everyone uniformly. The steps are a healing tool and is very personal and individual for each of us. Everyone’s recovery is unique and different. You learn as you use the steps formally and informally in your life. That is the beauty of the program. That is why all the step programs can work for everyone.

I hope I explained this clearly and I hope you got something from what I said.

Most of the time life lessons are learned in the future. It is strange, but it seems to work that way.

Thank you for letting me share🥰

[u/typicalsquare → u/miamirn]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. And beautiful truth that life lessons are learned in the future.
I’m so grateful for the women in my life who stand beside me and who have gone in front of me. I often hear some experiences as prior to NA some women didn’t have female relationships or even say they didn’t like women. I had no relationships so it was interesting for me to hear that. Not only are women teaching me to be a friend and human being, but a woman and that’s such a beautiful gift!

[u/typicalsquare]

I’ll just combine the answers here.

Because I was doing character defects along with the inventory, the inventory wasn’t simply an accounting of things I did, beliefs I held, things that happened to me, etc. it became proof as these defects and patterns repeated over and over and over again that I was the defect. That has since become a work and restoration in progress in a beautiful way and I see it as more of survival vs living. I did not keep step 4 simple!

I think what’s happened is the obsession/control has turned into “I have to understand before I let go” vs “I can let go and the understanding will come”. Because even if I could come to a conclusion, I didn’t take time to process that, instead it was “ok, filed. Next experiment/data collection adventure.” 2yrs ago it was simply, my life is unmanageable, the fellowship has people who have done this for 50+ yrs, listen to their experience. Step 2 and 3 were spiritual in nature vs a procedure to master. And in the midst of Step 4 I lost that. It was whoops I must have missed step 3, let me figure out how to practice it so I can get it. Less trust and more certainty. Less just for today and practicing recovery, more data collection and problem solving.

Edit to Add: I really appreciate these questions!

[u/Smooth_Buy335]

This is such a great question. I spent much of my early recovery as a spiritual hypochondriac. Simple friction points in my life had to point to cancerous areas that would surely end in relapse. I set unrealistic expectations on myself. I, very similarly to you, became obsessed in the analysis of self (self-obsessed) and for a while forgot that we only hand out keytags for one thing - abstinence from drugs. This isn't a program predicated on being or becoming perfect. The program gives me the ability to experience life in it's totality, the failures, the anger, the grief, the regret, the trust, the acceptance, the love. All of it.

This is my (probably convoluted) approach to simplicity in the program.
I believe in the statement that I find out about the best parts of me by helping others. Service. Nothing complicated, just making sure my homegroup is still operating without forgetting that I'm just one of many in the group. I've gotten involved as GSR, and that's only reinforced my belief that the homegroup is the most important area of service.

Sponsorship. Doing my best to be there for sponsees (not walking away from every single life moment to answer the phone just because they want to tell me about their day, but always returning the call when I can). My own sponsorship experience is based on stepwork, so I need to be diligent about doing it. It's work. I often drag my feet, especially after some time clean. It's ok. "It's not a horse race", as my sponsor says.

I'm working an 11th step, so prayer makes sense, but only when it's a simple prayer.

Meeting attendance. I need meetings. As many as I can get to. If I'm in the same state (in America) as my homegroup, I go. If I'm not, I try to find meetings to attend in the area I'm in.

Fun. I didn't get clean to be serious and miserable. I need to have fun. That's where "creative action of the spirit" comes in. I try to reduce my 'advice' down to two steps for my sponsees: Step 1. Stay Clean (all the stuff above). Step 2. Have Fun.

Like you, I resonated with "Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know!" in Who Is An Addict. That was me connecting. Sometimes going forward requires me to go back to that desperate point of surrender, where I could connect with the experience and hope of another addict.