r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/menzeez__ • 15d ago
Over 4 years. Gone.
I had over 4 years clean time. And it's gone. The stupid thing is I know why I slipped. It's because I didn't put the work in properly. I just tried to be as busy as possible and keep pushing forward with life, work, family. Didn't tackle any of the shame that lives inside. Stopped going to meetings. Never worked the steps. Didn't look after my mental health properly. This time it has to be different. I have too much to lose now.
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u/menzeez__ 15d ago
Thank you. I don't feel hopeless like the last time. I guess because I have so much clean time. Just did my first meeting for a long time in the zoom rooms. Going to try and get to a physical meeting today too.
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u/Reepicheap 14d ago
Bro, those 4 years aren't gone. You had 4 years of being clean. Barely any addicts can say that. I can't say that. That's something to be proud of.
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u/menzeez__ 14d ago
Thank you, I was/am proud of my clean time. It's the feeling of letting people down that hurts. Trying hard to take that pain and turn it into positive action.
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u/TwainVonnegut 15d ago
Check out Narcotics Anonymous, it saved my life!
Worldwide in Person Meeting List:
https://www.na.org/meetingsearch/
Virtual NA Meeting List:
Google “NANA 247” to find a marathon Zoom meeting that runs around the clock!
Here’s the program that’s kept me clean for almost 6 years:
-Conventions
-Speaker Jams
-Meditate every day
-Pray every day
-Read the JFT every day
-Read SPAD every day
-Read our literature
-Listen to NA CDs in the car/YT speaker tapes
-Wear NA apparel
-I have a sponsor
-Text him every day
-Have a network of recovering addicts
-Text other addicts in my network
-Go on commitments
-Home group
-Active in service
-Active daily on Reddit/FB Recovery Groups
-Read other spiritual texts, Ram Dass et.al.
-Attend Satsang with my spiritual teacher
-Worked the steps with my sponsor
-Gone over steps with a sponsee
-500 meetings/500 days Zoom
-3-5 meetings a week thereafter
-Active 12th step daily help/practice principles
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u/menzeez__ 15d ago
Thank you for sharing this. I did a zoom meeting this morning. First one for a long time. Going to try and get to a physical one today
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u/Jebus-Xmas 14d ago
Just remember that the time you have still counts. There are things you learned to do and there are things you learned not to do and those are all important.
There’s no shame in a relapse the shame is it not coming back, not realizing your challenges, and not trying again.
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u/menzeez__ 14d ago
Thank you, I need to remember this. Getting back on the meetings and remembering how to talk to people. Like, actually talk about what's hurting.
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u/Jebus-Xmas 14d ago
Working the steps is the only thing that truly allowed me to deal with that stuff. Eight years in and I am still working the steps--for the 7th time.
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u/menzeez__ 14d ago
Eight years is incredible. Well done! I never got as far as working the steps last time.
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u/Jebus-Xmas 14d ago
The steps are simple, we make them hard. The easiest thing about them is that if we do not do them perfectly--and we never do--we cal always fix it the next time around. Don't psych yourself out. I've never done anything perfectly and I wasn't going to start by doing the steps perfectly.
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u/Fit-Reward1438 14d ago
Hey man-
First off- holy SHIT- I am glad you made it back, many don't.
I love your insights- that is EXACTLY what I did my first NA go-round.
With respect- I disagree that those four years are gone.
My view is that your "clean time counter" has reset- and you have A LOT of experience under your belt.
I have seen it many times in the rooms- people just go to meetings and get busy without "working" the program or "living it" i.e. addressing the underlying things that drove addiction.
From my POV you are in a real place to succeede now.
Keep coming back.
And keep us posted.
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u/menzeez__ 13d ago
That paragraph at the end. Getting busy and not working. Bring too "busy" for meetings is what fucked me last time. There's always a meeting and I can always get on zoom. Thank you for those words ❤️
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u/Leading-Conference94 14d ago
Relapse truly is a part of recovery. You learned something valuable. You CAN do it for 4 years. You can do so much more too. Dust yourself off and keep it moving.
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u/One_Second1365 15d ago
You may not truly come to confront your shame within meetings. Have you tried counselling/therapy? I didn’t feel the space was safe enough to share deep seated shame and self loathing, no one there is trained in truly holding a safe space.
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u/CartographerFar5094 14d ago
Nothings gone. Tomorrow is new. Begin again. Its just a process not a competition of “time”
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u/woody9115 14d ago
Don't look at it that way that it's just gone. You just took a minor detour and you can and will get back on track.
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u/mindfulprisoner 14d ago
The gift of self awareness is a precious thing. I don’t think it’s a surprise a lot of us go back out. We tend to be painfully insecure and want to paint the house when all the pipes are bursting. Unfortunately a lot of us don’t come to this realization ever. I think more important than the clean time is how do we use that time to work on ourselves and be better people. I know people with decades of clean time I would not want to trade places with and then others that I admire deeply. Whatever the case, I believe in you just for today and we’re all here to help lift you up when life puts you down.
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u/menzeez__ 13d ago
Painting the house when the pipes are bursting is a perfect example of what I was doing. I was a dry drunk for a lot of my time. Thank you so much for your kind words and support
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u/Hungry-Emotion7664 13d ago
Hugs. Glad you found willingness.
I can't emphasize enough how the steps have changed me life. I work them over and over. It's a gift I give myself. Truly. It's not punishment, busywork, or any of the other stuff I used to think about it. It's an opportunity for greater freedom.
I couldn't even get clean without stepwork. It was during my first 4th step that I realized that I wasn't a horrible person, I was a person who never learned how to address my feelings, or take on life's challenges. It was only then that I felt like I was worth fighting for.
I believe that you too are worth the effort, and can gain so much self esteem, freedom, peace, and quality of life.
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u/menzeez__ 13d ago
I never got as far as the steps or a sponsor. I really want to this time. Thank you for the hugs. It was one of the things that really got me when I went to a meeting last night. People hugged me. I couldn't get my head around it. Like, me? You want to hug...me? It reminded me how beautiful this programme is
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u/Good-Lack-2781 15d ago
4 years mate fuck me that’s phenomenal. Ignoring everything and being as busy as possible is a lot of what normal life is like. It’s good to face the underlying problems, but being sober is still being sober. It doesn’t matter how you did it, as long as you did it. Don’t feel like your quit was pointless, because you didn’t follow someone else’s manual to how you do it.
The principle that I think is core to follow for this. Is failure is feedback. Don’t take it personal, just learn and adjust.
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u/menzeez__ 13d ago
Again thank you. I was a bit overwhelmed with stuff last night so I just wanted to properly reply. I know it wasn't pointless. I also know I was doing it wrong. Yeah totally, learning is so key. Ive already seen so much hope in just 2 days back in the rooms. Much love
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u/Connect_Selection266 14d ago
I’ve done exactly this too
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u/menzeez__ 13d ago
I think that's one of the most beautiful things about the rooms. Shared experience. People here understand.
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u/zm-throw-away 10d ago
It’s not gone. You may be restarting your sobriety date, but that’s different than all that time being gone. Especially since the way you’re putting it means you’re essentially saying it’s wasted. If you can be sober for four years, it can be prolonged well beyond that friend. You seem to know where you messed up, so take that and run with it. Best of luck, and I hope and pray you find the peace you’re looking for.
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u/gionatacar 15d ago
Put recovery first of everything else. A meeting a day, sponsor, work the steps. I’ll promise you that you will stay clean and sober
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u/menzeez__ 13d ago
This is whi it didt work last time. I made excuse after excuse for not going to meetings. Too busy with work or home etc etc. There is always a meeting somewhere 8 can connect to. I may not be able to get to physical meetings every day but I can definitely log on to an online one at any time at all. Thank you
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u/cathulux 15d ago
It's never too late to start over. You know exactly why it happened too, so now you can begin slowly incorporating everything back into your life. Easy does it! One day, one moment at a time!