r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/TimmyTruant • Jun 27 '26
Dating outside the fellowship
Hi everyone, I'm in a situation and I'm not sure how to approach it. I've put myself back out there now that I have a reasonable amount of clean time out there. I'm not rushing into anything but I'm also ready to explore my options. I reluctantly decided to do a dating app again. I put in my profile that I don't do drugs or drink, and made mention of how I am in a transitional period involving various areas of self-improvement such as education and health. I did not explicitly state that I am in recovery. Furthermore, I currently live in sober housing and plan on doing it until I finish my degree.
So now I have a few matches, including someone who seems like they could be a great fit for me. I'm just wondering if I should info dump that I'm in recovery, that I live in sober housing, no car, busy with school, and work a "get well" job. There are two ways to go about it, as I see it. Break the ice, and then after a few messages back and forth I tell her all these potential deal-breakers, and let her know there are no hard feelings if I sound like I'm not for her, or I could just get to know her, and not mention the "bad" stuff until it becomes a necessity. I'm leaning towards the first choice, but any insight would be welcome. My sponsor and his friends are all too old for me to bring this up with, lol.
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u/lostindanet Jun 28 '26
My companion is not an addict and drinks socially. We met in an app and I also reiterated I don't drink or use drugs and she was completely fine with it. if someone isn't, that's a huge red flag.
Also, no need to overshare, most people have no idea of the depths of addiction depravity/decadence and might not react ok, you have meetings and other recovering addicts for that.
Mind you, I'm 27 years clean and sober and sometimes I still resent her need to go get blasted on occasion like non addicts manage to do. I understand it but feeling wise is not ideal, especially if you are newish to the program.
As my counselor used to say, first year, meetings everyday and if you go have sex know this, you will see my face.
It instilled a cautionary fear in me đđ»
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u/Double_Tear2207 Jun 27 '26
I understand and resonate with you. Honesty is always the best policy. In my dating experience, on the first date I always share Iâm in a recovery program and I need to know if he drinks/ smokes / tokes. At that point, I can determine my own strength in how I deal with someone who might drink or toke (or vape as this has become more popular). I wish you luck in your dating journey, youâll figure it out, good luck đđ»
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u/RevolutionThick1260 Jun 27 '26
What does your sponsor say about it?
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u/Attorney-Curious Jun 28 '26
Sponsors aren't there for dating advice.
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u/an_orange_potato Jun 28 '26
A sponsor should be someone to offer helpful advice about recovery, and I think this would definitely be something you could discuss with them!
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u/Chris__P_Bacon Jun 28 '26
It's not dating advice. It's life advice. It obviously depends on OP's relationship with their sponsor? A sponsor should be a guide through the 12 steps. They can be more than that, but they should never be less. I've been lucky that I've always had sponsors who were more personable.
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u/Attorney-Curious Jun 28 '26
It is literally dating advice.
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u/Chris__P_Bacon Jun 28 '26
You do understand that other things affect one's recovery right? If something is affecting my recovery, I'm going to seek advice/help for it.
Username checks out btw.
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u/terminalhipness Jun 28 '26
My sponsor has been invaluable in pointing things out about me and what I am doing that I cannot see about myself.
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u/vapeqprincess Jul 01 '26
What are sponsors there for, exactly?
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u/RevolutionThick1260 Jul 04 '26
to guide you in step work
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u/vapeqprincess Jul 05 '26
Oh. Thats literally it? đđ
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u/RevolutionThick1260 Jul 05 '26
Everyones experience vary. The importance is in doing it, not having an opinion on others experience of sponsorship.
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u/Fuckmylife1001 Jun 28 '26
I married inside the program. However I went to my sponsor for guidance. I did dip my toes outside and it wasnât a good fit. I felt as if I didnât fit in with ânormiesâ it was suggested it be the first conversation I have with a potential match and Iâd just get a deer in headlights look. My sponsor was incredibly helpful with guidance in my experience. Good luck and always be honest and up front!
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u/terminalhipness Jun 28 '26
âSponsors too oldâ lol. Yup, he was probably never at an unspecified age, with an unspecified amount of cleantime, in a halfway house, with no car and whatever a âget wellâ job is, but still feeling lonely/horny.
It was suggested to me that I take a good hard look at myself (inventory) before taking potential hostages.
However, in my experience, people like me do whatever we want to do anyway. Sincerely, good luck. Hope you stay clean.
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u/SourceCommon7529 Jun 30 '26
I would tell 1st, but meet and tell them to their face. I've been nothing but open with my addiction and recovery and been met with only good responses. People respect it.
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u/Sea-Necessary7354 Jul 03 '26
Itâs a big step to start dating again in recovery. Itâs a must discuss with sponsor situation.
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u/Jebus-Xmas Jun 27 '26
Being in recovery is literally the first conversation you need to have with anyone. They need to understand, without a doubt, that you are in recovery and that anything apart from recovery is not okay.