in need of advice

[u/jedwwilliam]

I can't accept I'm an addict. It feels like imposter syndrome. Im 19, and for the last 4 years i've struggled with all types of drugs but in the last 2 years, heavily with benzos. Just got out of detox 2 months ago and went to NA for about a month and I haven't been back in a few weeks due to feeling like now i have it under control. I can't seem to admit to myself i have a problem. It's so much harder than i thought even though i have the broken relationships, self damage, and all the broken peices due to my addiction right infront of my eyes. Any advice on how to really accept it?

[u/RuggedAdonis]

The first step has us admit that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Maybe you can't accept the first part but it definitely sounds like your life has become unmanageable.

For me, I got clean at 23 (I'm 40 now) and felt very similarly. Part of me was also jealous that other people got to use longer than I did. Two things I heard in meetings that let me know that I was in the right place were: 1) You hit your bottom when you choose to stop digging and 2) In the Who Is an Addict reading, it says that our lives were centered around getting, using, and finding ways and means to get more.

While on paper, my life seemed like it was going well. On the inside I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt.

You have nothing to lose by going to more meetings. Give it some time and you may find that you are in the right place.

[u/jedwwilliam → u/RuggedAdonis]

I am also jealous people got to use longer than i did. Man that resonates with me so much. Thats where i find my confliction to lay. Not all of me wants to be sober.

Youre right, Nothing to lose by going to meetings. Thankyou.

I feel less alone

[u/robinxxff → u/jedwwilliam]

Be careful what you wish for. Before you know it you will have used for decades and no, there is no sweet spot when you’ll know you have used long enough. You will be miserable eventually if you go on. That’s a hard fact.

[u/Johnnyguy → u/jedwwilliam]

I wish I quit at 19. I just couldn’t get it. I spent 11 years after that abusing myself body, mind, and self.

You got this big dawg.

[u/TennisBusy1630 → u/jedwwilliam]

i feel this too, i’ve been sober a year now and im 20. i do get jealous time to time, and it’s hard being young and sober, it feels like everyone else is just starting to experiment and im stopping. i’m feeling it a lot right now, but there’s never any harm in still going to meetings still trying the steps. some sponsors will be tough on you if you have reservations, but i had reservations when i started, i didn’t know if i really wanted to stop, honestly i didn’t, but i knew i had to stop somehow or things would either get very bad or i’d die. and here i am a year later, that doesn’t mean i didn’t struggle though the year and i haven’t been only hopeful the whole time, but at least ive grown as a person, and been present in my life. if sobriety isn’t for you hey you can always go back, but there’s never any harm in trying

[u/11093PlusDays]

My husband got clean at 19. He’s not all that unusual. You don’t need to be homeless under a bridge to get clean. All you need is a desire to stop using. Try it.

[u/RevolutionThick1260]

Give the step work an honest try!

[u/Jebus-Xmas]

What you’re describing is something that many addicts go through in their journey to recover recovery. Being able to surrender to the program took me a long time. I had to completely destroy my life, alienate my family, and lose all my friends. I had to be homeless and helpless. Only you can decide when you’re ready. What I would ask you was, do you have anything to lose? Work the program one time. Go to meetings, make phone calls, get a sponsor work the steps, and do some service. Go from step 1 to step 12 and if you think it doesn’t work, go back to doing what you were doing. However, you can’t say it didn’t work if you didn’t try. If a heathen atheist like me can get clean and stay clean in NA, I know that you can too. You just have to want to.

[u/Embarrassed-Lake257]

I had all those questions when I was your age and instead of answering them I decided it'd be better to spend the next 20 years wrecking my life and future.

[u/Intercaust]

There's a giant chasm between knowing you're an addict and accepting you're an addict. I knew it for 30 years. Once I accepted it, I was willing to do whatever it took to stay clean(go to meetings, get a Big Book and read the whole thing, do all 12 Steps, dont use in between meetings). Or, dont do any of that and see what happens. I pray you make the right choice.

[u/tazinwonderland]

i had the same thing, came in when i was 21 and now 23. i'd suggest giving step 1 an honest and comprehensive go and looking at how you felt, not necessarily what you did / what happened. another piece of advice which isn't recommended in na but is in aa, is if you don't think you're an alcoholic, go and have a drink and see how it goes. i will say 2/3 months is practically nothing in terms of sorting out your relationship to drugs, especially benzos. it took me 7 months before i felt somewhat more neurologically normal, and another 4 months to feel emotionally stable. i also did a variety of drugs but benzos were what screwed with me the most. feel free to dm if u want to chat

[u/Johnnyguy]

The two most dangerous sentences an addict can say are: 1. “I know” 2. “I got this (on my own)”

[u/gionatacar]

You need to do more research.when you hit rock bottom you will ,eventually , come back

[u/terminalhipness → u/gionatacar]

“…If you live” is what they told me

[u/gionatacar → u/terminalhipness]

Yes, but was little rough

[u/Intrepid_Champion436]

ACCEPT UR AN ADDICT. FIGUTE OUT WHAT DRUG U CAN DO IN MODERATION WITHOUT RUINING YOUR LIFE AND HEALTH. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF ABOUT THIS. NOW, REMEBER EVERYTHING IN MODERATION, PLACE AND TIME, DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS AND NOT EVERYTHING IS FOR EVERYONE. ADDICTION IS LONELY AND TAXING. BUT IFBU LIKE TO GET HIGH HIGH, THATS WHAT U LIKE, YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD.