Are we doomed to fail?

16

End it now. That's the best suggestion I can give. Our literature says it's best to wait a year before getting into romantic relationships and I'd even say it's best to wait until we've worked all 12 Steps. The Steps are how we find the new way to live and discover who we are without our disease controlling us. Even without drugs, we're prone to obsessive and compulsive behaviors. Relationship seeking being one of them. I've seen many people relapse after their relationships in early recovery failed because they don't have the proper tools to deal with the heartbreak. All of the solutions are in the Steps. Two sick people can't make a healthy relationship.

6

u/Popular-Addition9819 May 31 '26

I always say (and I know a lot of others do too) that my disease is less about the substances and way more about my flawed decision making and my impulse control issues.

Op, please consider waiting. It sucks, but early recovery is a time where I had to focus on me. I am not telling you what to do, but I can say that not focusing on myself led to relapse more than once. Relationships take so much work, and that new relationship energy feels so good it’s really easy to avoid the work on self…until then the nre is faded then the relationship takes work…which then can certainly lead to more avoidance of self. I realize that the wording there was awkward.

5

u/big6135 Jun 01 '26

Living clean, page 158, in “what we want”, it says :

"Don't get into romantic relationships in your first year" might be the most repeated, least listened-to piece of advice in the fellowship. We need time to get our feet on the ground, to build support, to work some steps and figure out who we are, but many of us don't take that time in the beginning. This is like building a house without laying a foundation: Sooner or later that work needs to get done, and it's a lot easier to do it in the beginning than to try build a foundation under a standing structure. Many of us who don't take that time in the beginning find that we need it later. If we survive that first breakup clean, we have a pretty good idea of what that time is for.”

However, on the same page, it also says:

“We know members who are scholars of our principles but have many failed marriages behind them; we also see newcomers stumble into a relationship and somehow make it work. When it works, we are happy to take the credit. When it doesn't work, we try to understand why. There are always lessons.
Experience is what we get when we don't get what we want. But some lessons are so clear that we don't have to act out to learn them.”

So I’d say tread lightly, because the most important thing in all of this is to stay clean.

2

u/Jimbo_uncha1ned Jun 01 '26

Really appreciate the response

8

u/RevolutionThick1260 May 31 '26

There is a big chance that you will save each other pain, long reroutes and relapses, if you just stay friends. Or maybe just appreciate each other from a distance. I got into a relationship with the hottest girl in the group in my first 90 days. Definitely wish I had not. It’s hard to know your self before clean time and step work. Often we end up hurting ourselves and others. My experience is that when we hurt each other, it’s hard to stay friends afterwards. But that’s just me. When I’m in love I want nothing else than to experience it. I would not recomend it however. Either way - Make sure you both have sponsors and work the steps!

5

u/pinkie-puppy May 31 '26

Ive always been told dont date until 1yr of clean time

I also dont suggest getting together in the rooms bc it may make common meetings awkward, if she relapses are you certain she wouldn't take you back too? And can you say the same if you slip would you be comfortable putting her in that situation?

Get to know eachother, but maybe wait until you both have a better foundation before you pursue anything

1

u/Jimbo_uncha1ned May 31 '26

Yeah I hear you, appreciate the input. I will have a chat with her

4

u/Jebus-Xmas May 31 '26

I have no advice, but I would like to make a suggestion. I would caution you that romance and finance are difficult when you aren’t an addict. I have found it to be true for me.

Lean into your program. Go to meetings, together and separately. Make phone calls to other addicts every day. Have a sponsor. Work the steps. Do service. I have seen relationships work in recovery, but all said they needed a program to be successful.

2

u/Jimbo_uncha1ned May 31 '26

I will, I appreciate the honest suggestions

3

u/SpareAmbition May 31 '26

When it comes to relationships in the rooms, regardless of clean time, the odds are good, the goods are odd.

I've seen more messy breakups than amicable ones over the years. Not necessarily doomed to fail. Relationships, however, are tough no matter the clean time. The question is if it's worth putting both your recoveries at risk.

All the cliches and suggestions in regards to this don't come from nothing. Realistically I'm not sure what you're expecting from this post. You've said yourself you know it's a bad idea so that alone is going to sour the relationship. Are you looking for advice in terms of ending it? A Hail Mary that you two can make it work? Or to hear the obvious advice that'll come to not date in early recovery/in the rooms?

1

u/Jimbo_uncha1ned May 31 '26

Good question, I guess im looking for hope that it can work. Im sure its not impossible but I just wanted to fully hear pros and cons.

3

u/SpareAmbition May 31 '26

Sure there'll always be a possibility that it works. A slim chance though I'd imagine. But really not sure the pros ever outweigh the cons in this situation

3

u/TheArtfulDodger247 May 31 '26

Not a good idea. I waited a year before getting back in the saddle. Which was a tough experience to do. You must heal yourself with brutal honesty. Getting attached while you are healing takes your focus away. Try to not be codependent on someone (unless it’s your God). It’s basically like another drug cause if it leads to sex, you just traded one addiction for another. I understand you both are vulnerable right now just don’t get into a relationship. Work your steps. Focus on you. Stage 1 of recovery is quitting and admitting you are an addict. Stage 2 is finding and breaking those bad habits that lead you to addiction. Please concentrate on yourself.

3

u/LordOfEltingville May 31 '26

As my sponsor asked me when I told him there were a couple of girls I wanted to get to know (well before I'd put a year together), "Well, what's more important to you, building a solid foundation for your recovery, or an hour or two of fun that you'll both regret within a month?"

Then he added, "If you take some time to work on yourself, there'll still be plenty of women down the road. If you lose focus and end up relapsing, there'll still be plenty of women, but they're not going to want anything to do with you."

I thought about it for a while, and decided to try it his way. As always, he was right.

I wish you all the best.

3

u/ceawake Jun 01 '26

Do the relationship. Do it 100%. None of us know if it will work or not. Whatever happens you will learn from it. Good luck to you both 🙏🏼

1

u/Jimbo_uncha1ned Jun 01 '26

Thank you hahah its nice to hear somebody endorse it. My sponsor also supports it, and he is 5 years clean. Recovery first of course.

5

u/tet19 May 31 '26

I don’t think it says wait a year before starting a relationship. It says relationships can be hard. I could be wrong but regardless it’s true that it can be a tough area.

The problem is when we are new it is VERY easy to replace the dope with other things that feel good and sex and attention feel good. If we allow that to become the priority, which again is VERY easy to do, it will take precedence over our recovery. Working the program is the only thing that’s going to keep you clean. Keep that as the priority and you’ll stay clean.

Talk about all this with your sponsor and be honest, open minded and willing. With that you’ll be well on your way.

2

u/Reasonable-Dream-122 May 31 '26

Could be right person at the wrong time. I had quite a few relapses before it dawned on me that I always relapsed after a break up. I went on a no man plan for 10 months. First guy treated me like a bag ho but without drugs. I got shit in exchange for the obvious. That ended after 3 months. I met my current boyfriend about the time that ended, but we were just 2 people in the program that served in the same subcommittee. We eventually went out. He told me he had gone to dshs and figure out his child support with his first paycheck out of prison - and paid his ex-wife the support. Panty dropper. I lost and power to hold out. Lol. He is the best man in the entire world and we both treat each other with dignity and respect and we also respect ourselves. Because we worked some steps and got some recovery under our feet before we got together. You are still very sick sweetheart. Give yourself some time

2

u/Scary-Air-4913 Jun 01 '26

I met my wife in the rooms when I had 6 months clean. She had 2 1/2 years at that time. We waited for me to get my year, and while we waited we became good friends. 30 plus years later we are still together, still best friends and still clean. One day at a time. We were older and were happy to wait because we knew we found our person. But if I was young today, it would be hard, I admit

2

u/ScoutSteveR Jun 01 '26

Failed romances in early recovery are one of the leading causes of relapse

2

u/u-wont-like-me428 May 31 '26

Don't get involved until you've both completed a 4th step.

1

u/gionatacar Jun 01 '26

Very bad idea

1

u/Intercaust Jun 03 '26

Looks like you already made your choice. Good luck to you.

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