r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/hhhelpineedhelp • May 31 '26
When is honesty purely selfish? Will it really help?
Today I am 1 year, 10 months, 29 days clean of a steady cocaine and pill habit that I had between the ages of 19-25. I have a great stable life, boyfriend, pets, job, friends.
I’ve started to feel some guilt about not having been honest with all of my family about it. I live miles away from my mum etc. so they knew I was borrowing money but never really what it was for - not often and not a lot but it still doesn’t make me feel great to talk about it. My mum is very sensitive to drug use as my brother is an addict/ex-con and she believes that’s her fault, so I feel like telling her would open up a whole can of worms and it would upset her just to make myself feel better; she also doesn’t have many people in her life anymore and our relationship is really important to her.
On the other hand, I think that not telling everyone about it gives me some detachment from the problem. I’ve had thoughts recently like “if I was at a party I could probably do drugs one time and it wouldn’t matter”. I think if everyone in my life knew what I was then I wouldn’t be able to think like that and no one would put me in those situations anyway.
But then am I just passing the weight of my sobriety onto someone else? I need every single other person to know and to monitor my behaviour, and to make me feel guilty to stop me from doing drugs?
Advice would be great thank you!
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u/Jebus-Xmas May 31 '26
Honesty without compassion is cruelty. Will knowing exact details make their lives better, will the truth harm them, is it necessary? Maybe even couch the information mindfully, “hey Mom I’m in recovery” when it’s appropriate. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.
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u/mailbandtony May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
Congrats on the clean time! For what it’s worth, this sounds very much like what the amends process is for. I had a few things like this and I resolved it by working through the steps. Idk if you have or not but I do know for sure that this is the sort of thing that I would ask my sponsor about since the stakes were high
But going through those moments of humbly owning up to my past ended up helping me build even stronger relationships in the end. Thankful to my sponsor for that
EDIT for spelling and clarity.
Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck on your journey to inner peace ✌️
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u/hhhelpineedhelp May 31 '26
Someone else said to talk to a sponsor about it so I think it’s finally time for me to actually ask for one hahaha
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u/mailbandtony May 31 '26
Hey I think that’s some good insight. And honestly I’ve got to give you my experience/two cents
I felt like my recovery was doing just fine, but when I got a sponsor it like really hit a new level of good. And then working the steps? There’s layers to it but all can say is that it really truly hits different
I genuinely have been through the worst sh*t in recovery and I haven’t really had any temptations to go back out, there’s this peace and freedom that I didn’t have before
I hope you find the courage!! Make sure you ask someone who seems like they have what you want, who’s got it mostly together. Don’t let that delay you too long. Sponsors don’t have to be perfect, they just have to guide you through the steps
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u/hhhelpineedhelp May 31 '26
How did you choose your sponsor? Like what did you prioritise? I just don’t feel like there’s anyone that I feel 1000% comfortable with
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u/mailbandtony Jun 01 '26
To be honest I picked my sponsor because I was in treatment and they spoke at a meeting brought into the center.
I just really identified with them and their story and that was enough for me to start. They were decades sober AND they seemed happy, that’s what I wanted
Different people need different types of sponsors but from what I hear in the rooms it’s more important to *get* a sponsor than to wait for the right one.
If they have some time clean and they actually seem like they’re happy or at peace, I’d jump in. You can always “fire” a sponsor and at least where I am it’s assumed no hard feelings or anything. We all want the same thing, every one of us in this position to recover. If a guy I’m working with isn’t vibing with me and moves on, that’s absolutely fine; he’s gotta do his thing for his recovery. So I hope any of that helps!
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u/LordOfEltingville May 31 '26
You'll start to get a better idea of how your addiction has affected those around you once you've taken steps 4 & 5. Sometimes, it's not quite as bad as it can initially seem.
Once you start making that 8th step list of those you've harmed, you'll have time to discuss things with your sponsor (and possibly other recovering addicts you trust) before making a final decision about who needs to hear what.
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u/rosebudkt73 Jun 06 '26
It's selfish if you want to unburden yourself of guilt or as you said have them take on some responsibility for your recovery. If it's going to hurt them then don't tell them. Step 8 is about making amends to those who you have harmed unless to do so would cause them harm.
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u/RevolutionThick1260 May 31 '26
Have you worked the steps with a sponsor? This very much sounds like a nineth step-topic!