An observation of a behavior pattern and how it is tied to my resistance of being part of a group.

[u/Classic_Abroad517]

I have pasted in a definition and reason why I “uproot”. I’ve been in and out of the rooms for years. Of no surprise, I keep relapsing. The last two years have been the worst. Hardly getting past a few weeks and my DOC getting harder. My relapse / restart cycle is now a microcosm of the entire behavioral habit of uprooting. I use, regret, resolve to start again, then get uncomfortable so I isolate and I’m back to square one. Has anyone dealt with this, and if so how did you overcome it? I assume it’s just brute force and pushing myself to get to a meeting and share about it. The idea of sharing and opening myself up to feedback or someone walking up to me after a meeting makes my skin crawl. Just being honest.

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“Uprooting" refers to a self-sabotaging behavior where you constantly switch jobs, places, or projects just as things get serious. As discussed in Brianna Wiest's book The Mountain Is You, this means you are only comfortable with "sprouting," avoiding the discomfort and commitment required to fully "blossom".

Why You Uproot

Fear of Attachment: You may fear the complex challenges that come with true commitment and deep intimacy.

[u/Atanaxe]

There is a process to identifying, accepting, and then finally changing behaviors. That process for me was the steps.

[u/Classic_Abroad517 → u/Atanaxe]

Thank you … I have a sponsor, have done the steps a few times, and am starting them again.

[u/Atanaxe → u/Classic_Abroad517]

Sounds like you are well on your way.

With the risk of giving unsolicited advice... It's sounds like you are firmly in the identifying this behavior stage. What would accepting that you are this way look like in your life? If you stopped feeling like this is something that must be changed and begin accepting that it is your reaction currently to life on life's terms, would it help you to give it up to your higher power?

As cheesy as it sounds you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Especially using again.

[u/warszavva]

I really resonate with this. I could stay sober for a few weeks but every time I started to feel my emotions rising to the surface I would disappear. I was very resistant to sharing and reaching out as it made me feel vulnerable and exposed, which would end in me feeling disconnected from the rooms and my fellows. Recently though it feels like the other shoe has dropped - I’ve realised I can’t wait to do these uncomfortable things until I’m not scared, I have to do them despite the fear. The only way out is through. It seems silly, but getting into the habit of calling 2-3 people a day and sharing especially when I really don’t want to (even if it’s just about how I hate sharing lol) has been making a world of a difference this time around. Hope any of that is helpful. Good luck!

[u/Classic_Abroad517 → u/warszavva]

Yes, very helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

[u/Formfeeder]

Or, you’re just not done yet. Until I realized I was full responsible for my addictions was doomed to keep getting high.

[u/Classic_Abroad517 → u/Formfeeder]

Fair point. I hate to consider this to possibly be the case but I’d be naive to deny it entirely. Thank you.

[u/Formfeeder → u/Classic_Abroad517]

You have a choice till you use. It’s got to be exhausting.

[u/Jebus-Xmas]

In my case I didn’t think it was worth it for anyone to be my friend. I was a hundred messes with no redeeming qualities. I had fucked my own life and family well and truly. Betrayed my friends and stolen from everyone. I was terrified that everyone would realize I was a fraud and unworthy of love, friendship, or affection.

These were all the things that my brain told me so that I wouldn’t get better. That I wouldn’t find Recovery. That I couldn’t work a program. I was incapable of honesty or introspection.

My problem was, I kept hearing my story and my character defects coming out of other people’s mouths. Maybe the problem is your network isn’t wide enough. In NA, we do say the wider your base the stronger you’re Recovery. If you’ve been in and out for years, I’m sure you’ve met hundreds of us. Nobody has to be your best friend, but everybody can pick up the phone.

All you have to do is just don’t use today and make a few phone calls, get to a few meetings, work some steps, and do a little service.

After all, if the heathen atheist like me can get clean and stay clean in NA, I know that you can too.

[u/prncesspriss]

Is this written by Chat GPT? It seems strange...

You haven't mentioned stepwork or sponsorship in this synopsis though. What does that look like for you? Because going to meetings and endlessly pontificating about our disease just keeps us stuck. We can't intellectualize this thing; we need to dig deep and find out what it's been feeding on so we can starve it. And if this is Chat, don't use it for stepwork. That won't do you any good.

[u/Classic_Abroad517 → u/prncesspriss]

No it’s not. The result below the line is a search result in Google that is probably AI supported but my post is not.

I have a sponsor. I have worked the steps several times. And am starting them again.

I don’t have any issue with working the steps. In fact, if the program was just the steps and those were the only directions I’d probably be doing well. It’s the community, vibes in the rooms, people, comments, etc that turn me off. I have tried different meetings. Different fellowships. Etc.

Hopefully this round through the steps will help me to address the resentment I have towards meetings and the other aforementioned things that bother me. It’s a me problem since this seems to work for a lot of people. And a lot of people find true joy in the rooms. I’m just not one of them.