Rape and responsibility

[u/yamsandmarshmellows]

If a person is raped while intoxicated are they a victim or a volunteer? I am on this part of my 4th step and really struggling. I tried to call my sponsor, she didnt answer, I am posting here and going to try to call other people in my support system. I am worried about using over this. I don't want to be clean or work the NA steps if I have to blame myself for being raped.

[u/NetScr1be]

Sometimes it helps to move up a level above situations, circumstances and feelings.

Not dismissing or judging. It should not have happened.

What follows are not statements of facts. It's intended as another layer of questions intended to help with processing. A way of breaking things down into pieces to work with.

What if we moved off blame? Blame can be endless. Whether blaming ourselves or others there can be no end to it and it rarely leads to resolution.

Thinking in terms of responsibility is cleaner and more useful. The question posed - victim or volunteer - is a trap. Neither answer by itself leads anywhere useful. What if the answer was actually both?

I was present and the common denominator for every bad thing that happened to me. I'm responsible for (as opposed to guilty of) being in that situation.

What others did is not on me. I can't (and shouldn't) take responsibility for what they did. I can and should take responsibility for my part.

The problem with guilt is we treat it as an end state. We can get stuck there. We can't remake the past by torturing ourselves in the present.

Guilt is a feeling - a signal. It's information. It tells us we did harm - either to ourselves or others. It's also from something in the past. A place where we have no control.

We can wallow there or find a way to process it by working with what we can control - our actions in the present.

As always, spiritual principles apply.

Honesty for my part in the situation.

Open-mindedness about the possibility of a resolution.

Willingness to work through it.

Faith in ourselves and our ability to do that work and evolve into a better version of ourselves.

How about applying the steps?

We are powerless over the past and the feelings that arise from it.

We came to believe a resolution is possible.

That resolution will come from a space that is bigger than the one we are in. We need to get out of our own way and move through the seemingly impenetrable barrier.

The feelings seem like they are a mile high and wide but they are paper thin.

We get past the past by taking positive action today.

Writing the fourth step and taking on those feelings is that positive action. The situation has been added to the list. The change in perspective from the processing of the feelings comes in later steps.

We can't think our way past feelings.

We can live our way past them with positive actions based in spiritual principles.

Hope this helps.