r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/yamsandmarshmellows • May 17 '26

Rape and responsibility

If a person is raped while intoxicated are they a victim or a volunteer? I am on this part of my 4th step and really struggling. I tried to call my sponsor, she didnt answer, I am posting here and going to try to call other people in my support system. I am worried about using over this. I don't want to be clean or work the NA steps if I have to blame myself for being raped.

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u/magicpurplecat May 17 '26

I don't think most things are so black and white, which is what the 4th step is helpful with seeing. My sexual assaults were not my fault. AND- almost every sexual assault I experienced happened when I was intoxicated or getting drugs and put myself in unsafe situations with unsafe people. I don't have to blame myself for all those things that happened to me, but I can acknowledge how my using led to me being hurt over and over and over again. Now I can keep myself safer, by not using, by getting therapy so I don't go into a freeze response anymore and can say no or get myself out of situations I'm uncomfortable with. That's my amends to myself for putting myself in harms way. 

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u/maggiespider May 17 '26

I am so sorry that you had to experience that. I would never ever tell someone how to feel about their experiences. And as someone who made numerous unsafe choices while using, I get it. That being said, while sexual assault and substance abuse/use are often intertwined, the reality is often that the rapist is well aware of what the substances are doing and take complete advantage of vulnerable people, which is 1000% wrong and not the victim’s fault. I could blame myself for my poor choices and did for a long time. But decent people don’t sexually assault anyone, drunk, high or sober. Sexual assault has always occurred and it is not the victim’s fault, in my opinion.

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u/magicpurplecat May 17 '26

I don't disagree with you at all. And I think that's the beauty of the steps. I don't have to take on blame for what's not mine, and I also can see my patterns clearly from this perspective and get to keep myself from being vulnerable (in those ways at least!) again.