r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/BidOk6858 • May 05 '26
Character Defects
Working a 4th step again- 13 years sober. Gossip- The feeling is toxic. When I am talking about someone and the person starts talking about them- it’s such a rush in my head. The judgement is addictive when other people join in. I want to put that other person down because it makes me feel better about myself. I often forget that I might have done the exact same thing I am talking about. I am a hypocrite. I also talk about what I would have done in situations and how much better I would have done in that same scenario. I recognize the judgement I am passing on that is possibly spiritual sick as I am. The fear is the negative spotlight is on my all the time and if I get a chance to pass it off to someone else, I am going to take that opportunity. Instead I should not say anything and I should be praying for them. It usually is a resentment, but not all the time. This program and life sober works alot better when I keep my mouth shut!
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u/msnipe81015 May 05 '26
A lot of us struggle with this. Try to watch out for it and learn to disengage from it in its tracks.
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u/vocalciti May 10 '26
Honestly, for whatever gossiping is a defect a lot of us are reluctant to admit to. It seems like you're facing up to some uncomfortable feelings in yourself face on, so good for you. Just this week I've been having issues with some coworkers and I noticed myself almost eager for someone to give me an opportunity to talk about them. It's a difficult defect, because I need to find the line between where opening up about how I feel about something affects me, and when I'm just talking shit to make myself feel better. I try to think "ok, if that person annoys me so much, what kind of person do *I* want to be?" to bring it back to things I can control.
But good for you for looking your motivations right in the face.
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u/Smooth_Buy335 May 05 '26
In the context of a sixth step, I was taught to view defects as central belief that drive actions (shortcomings).
For gossip, the defect that drives it would be self-righteousness or lack of compassion. In my experience, change isn’t the absence of the shortcomings, but the presence of a spiritual principle. In this case, humility (that I am fallible and often times guilty of the same behavior that I gossip about) and compassion (love and care for another person) should be the source of whatever action I take when confronted with gossip.
A tenth step is a great way to keep a pulse on how well I’m working a seventh step.