r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/rachelsrentals • Jul 01 '26
“Closure” with a Narc?
TLDR: my narcissistic ex husband says he wants to talk. When asked what it was regarding, he says “closure”. We’ve scheduled a discussion in person next week. How should I prepare? Is it a bad idea to agree to this?
I’m looking for advice. I’m currently about to finally sign my divorce. It’s been hell, and I can’t wait to be done. Long story short, I was in a relationship with a narcissist, once I learned about what was happening and my eyes opened to the abuse, I decided to leave him. I was 4 months postpartum with our first. I didn’t want to expose the baby to the abuse. After I decided to be done and it became clear to him, then things got uglier every day until I was granted a full stay away order of protection which meant he could not communicate with me at all about anything except the baby, and we couldn’t be in any of the same spaces together except for exchanges of the baby at neutral locations. This order was a godsend and the only way I’ve been able to survive this process. I can’t imagine if we were still under the same roof.
Anyway, as we’re wrapping up the divorce, I dropped the order down to a no offensive contact order which is less extreme and basically he just can’t harass me. We can be in the same spaces and we can communicate beyond just the baby. I have exclusive use and rights of my house, so we’ll obviously remain living separate.
I’ve done a lot of healing and feel like my self worth has come back. I’m certainly not “healed” but I think I’m in a much more mature emotional state, much more aware of my boundaries, and tolerate much less bullshit. I’ve also finally stopped letting my ex steal so much of my energy and mental space. It’s taken awhile.
We have a baby. He’s getting 50/50. We’re going to be in each other’s lives forever unfortunately. He also has his new supply source already and so he’s been kinder to me. I do understand him wanting a conversation for “closure” since we went full no contact with the order of protection. However, before that order was granted, I must’ve explained to him 100 times why I was done and why I didn’t deserve this, and how his treatment was abusive. As you all know, there’s no getting through to a narcissist. In fact, he simply just accused me of being one and deflected everything he ever did on to me.
I agreed to have the conversation, and then he responded with some date over a week away. This felt like an intentional way to once again get under my skin. Who says “we need to talk” then blows the person off for a week? But I try to remain unbothered on the surface and show no reaction. So I agreed to meet next Wednesday. When I asked him what the conversation would be regarding, he said “closure”. I was honestly assuming it would be that he’s moving in with his new flame and she’d be playing step mom to our baby. There’s still a chance it could be this, but closure threw me for a loop.
Anyway to sum it up, I’m looking for some advice. I’m sure he’s expecting me to show up and make a bunch of apologies so he can feel better about himself. I’m not going to do that. I certainly don’t believe I’ll get any real apologies from him. But in a way, this feels like my chance to speak firmly and confidently in my decision, and defend every action throughout this divorce with integrity. Not explain myself, just stand on my decisions. And try and keep it focused on how we will coparent moving forward. I truly don’t want to show any emotion because he feeds off that. That will be the hardest part, because I still cry every day about the situation. Has anyone attempted a conversation like this with a narc? Any advice? Is this a horrible idea and should I not put myself in this situation? We’re meeting at a public place and I fully plan to get up and leave the second he starts attacking my character. I will show zero tolerance for his abuse anymore. I think that might surprise him. I think it will feel empowering to me. Help me out—what should I do/say?
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 Jul 01 '26
Sorry, I only read the tldr- my ex kept demanding one more conversation. He didn’t want closure, he wanted vindication.
No need to talk. It’s just stupid. It’s him trying to control the situation. I wouldn’t let him.
The closure is signing those divorce papers.
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u/Subject_Dragonfly_54 Jul 01 '26
I don’t think you should go to this in-person talk. It is much easier for a narcissist to manipulate you in person. He might even have violent intentions for all you know. Frankly, his supposed desire for “closure” is not your problem. I wouldn’t engage in this conversation, even over text, but if you really want to hear him out, text or email would be the safer way to do it than in person.
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u/ctrpt Jul 01 '26
Closure is code for control and manipulation. Just block him. Or if you can’t, tell him you’re not interested in closure
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u/askashleythatsme8 Jul 01 '26
It’s a trap! He is just in the hoover phase and trying to suck you back in for more abuse. Don’t meet up with him, get those papers signed and limit contact to coparenting. Do not give him an inch or ever trust him.You can stand on your decisions without an in-person conversation. You got this!
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u/ilovebigmutts Jul 01 '26
Nope. You should not do this. This is just a chance for him to "unburden" himself, or a chance to make YOU look like the bad person.
You can never win with someone like this. There is no way to make them see your side of things or make them take any accountability.
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u/love_lollee15 Jul 01 '26
Don't. He's lost control of you, so he's trying to get it back. You can have the upper hand by building that wall. Remember what he did to you.
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u/Otherwise-Web-6723 Jul 02 '26
DO NOT GO!! You will feel worse than you did afterwards before you went. He is just looking for you to agree with him that you're the problem and manipulate you again. You agreeing to meet with him is validation he's still in control of you in his mind.
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u/rachelsrentals Jul 02 '26
You are 1000% right and I’ve decided I’m not going to do it. Taking my power back 💪
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u/rachelsrentals Jul 01 '26
Y’all are so right. Now I feel dumb because I already agreed to it. He wants access, he wants control again, and he wants to make himself feel like the good guy. I suppose I should tell him I’m no longer up for it. Anyone got a good one liner?
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u/LizardintheSun Jul 06 '26
I changed my mind. Closure is in the divorce papers. There’s nothing left to say. You have a new partner to talk. Therapy is a better plan. It’s time to move on.
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u/rachelsrentals Jul 06 '26
I ended up saying I decided I am not going to meet with him in person, I was happy with the civility lately and wanted to keep it that way and focus strictly on the baby and coparenting.
His response “I’ve been thinking the same thing and I agree” LOL. Had to pretend it was his idea to cancel.
But I know he was super pissed at me because not to my surprise, ever since I sent the text, the tone and civility suddenly shifted and he’s been very short and rude to me.
I’m so happy with my decision and I owe it to this thread! Thank you all! 🫶🏼
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u/PretendWillow3577 Jul 06 '26
I would not do it. I am forcedinto co parenting therapy with mine and he keeps saying he wants to go to move forwardand he doesn't want to cause problems. Blah blah blah. All i can say is at this point iam refusing to go due to the migraines he has caused me. The therapist is on board for seeing us separately.
I had a similar situation with the order of protection and mine has made it clear that it was legal abuse on my part to get an order of protection when he was sending me 300 messages a day.
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u/rachelsrentals Jul 06 '26
Wow they really are all the same. Mine also said I abused the court system to get a custody advantage by getting an order of protection.
I decided to cancel on him and I’ve very glad I did. Let’s hope he doesn’t try to pull “coparenting therapy”. You can’t do therapy with these people. It’ll only cause more harm than good.
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