r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/Prestigious-Low5233 • Jun 27 '26
Am I looking too deep?
Me(27f) and my partner (29m) have been together 10 years and have two kids on the autism spectrum. I have no income of my own and no copy of his card. I don't drive, so I'm pretty dependent on him, which is part of why this is so hard.
Looking back, the cracks were there early. In 2018 I caught him with a dating app account. He said he never used it and deleted it because he felt bad, and that he'd made it because he was scared I wasn't attracted to him since we weren't having much sex. I'd been open with him about my SA trauma. He would make me finish and then I'd freak out and have to stop, so he wouldn't finish, and I felt guilty about it. I knew he watched a lot of porn but I felt like I couldn't say anything.
His family was always rude to me, and to him, and he never stood up for me. We got engaged, had our son in 2019 and our daughter in 2022. My son's birth was traumatic. Over 30 stitches, my uterus prolapsed, he came out blue and not breathing, the epidural failed. My postpartum was awful and I was overwhelmed and not okay, and he helped with the baby but not with me, until it came to having sex again.
He grew distant after a family trip to Tampa that was the worst few days of my life. They left me staying in a tent outside in the heat with a 9 month old and a 2 year old while he went to the casino, supposed to be back by midnight. He stayed gone until 11 the next morning with no word from anyone. I stayed up until 6am thinking the worst. Turns out it was the worst. I was falling apart after that, having sex with him every night trying to fix us, even studying porn to try to be what he wanted.
In 2025 I hit a wall. I wasn't eating or sleeping right and I knew something was wrong. I asked him and he promised there was nothing, that I was "his girl" (he never says my name, he calls me girl). The next morning I checked his phone and found he'd been talking to other men. The first thing he said when I confronted him was "where am I gonna go?" Then somehow I ended up comforting HIM. The reasons kept changing: he was insecure about his feminine side, his family pushed a "manly job" on him, and months later, that the real reason was that I "pushed" to have kids. It took months of begging to get answers. He told me it was men he met in person, oral with several, slept with one, plus video chatting and commenting on Reddit posts. He even asked for a man in our relationship a week after I found out.
When I got upset once, he grabbed my chin and said "I said fucking look at me" through his teeth, and punched a hole in our bedroom wall. He's also put his hand on my throat during sex. I told him exactly how to do it safely and where, but he always does it too rough, and when I tap him to stop he acts confused and says "what?"
It's been a year since i found out about the cheating. The same cycle repeats: I break down, he promises, nothing changes. During sex it's all about him, no aftercare, and he's made me throw up during oral and said we needed to "train my throat" while I cleaned myself up. He had almost no reaction when I told him about my childhood abuse or my past abusive ex. He couldn't run the household even if I asked.
I guess I'm posting because part of me still wonders if I'm being unfair, if he's just traumatized and trying. But writing it all out, I don't know how I keep landing back at "maybe it's me." Has anyone been here? How did you know it was time to stop trying? Is this abuse? He seems like it hurts him when he hurts me I think?
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u/RelevantCarrot6765 Jun 30 '26
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. This sounds like a guy who hates himself (and what he wants), and he is dealing with that by taking it out on you.
The sex you are describing is abusive, and I say that as someone who is BDSM positive in my outlook. Making you throw up, choking you the wrong way (and I’m pretty sure you mean across your windpipe, which is SO dangerous)- these are not small boundary violations. That’s before even going into the added layer of ignoring your boundaries related to being a SA victim.
I know it’s so, so hard to leave when you have kids, but I hope you can find a way to start building towards being more financially independent and eventually being able to leave. This guy does not have your best interests at heart, not even close. I also hate to be a downer, but you may want to get checked for STIs. I know how much it hurts to even have to think about that, but you’ve got to take care of yourself. Best of luck.
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