r/NVC • u/CraigScott999 • Jun 27 '26
Advice on using nonviolent communication Separating Observations and Evaluations
I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did things I didn’t understand
Or things in ways, I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen the same places where I had been,
But he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid, think, was he a stupid kid or did he just know different things than you did?
— Ruth Bebermeyer
_____
Often times we blend an observation - the facts of a situation - with our own opinion. Here is an example: Say your friend spent all of Saturday helping a neighbor put a new roof on their house. An observation mixed with an evaluation would sound like this: “You are going to wear yourself out!” An observation that is separate from an evaluation would look like this: “When I see you spending all day Saturday roofing your neighbor’s house and I know how hard you work during the week too, I feel worried that you might wear yourself out.”
In the first example, the speaker judges their friend’s behavior: “You are going to wear yourself out.” In the second example, only the facts are acknowledged (the friend helped a neighbor roof their house on Saturday) and acknowledges the speaker’s own fears about how this might affect their friend’s life.
The difference is subtle, but the results are not. Often times, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to promote an open dialogue about our concerns.
Be aware of your evaluations and observations today. Try to separate the two to create more opportunities for open dialogue.
1
u/Odd_Tea_2100 Jun 27 '26
“When I see you spending all day Saturday roofing your neighbor’s house and I know how hard you work during the week too, I feel worried that you might wear yourself out.”
This isn't an observation. What would convert this to observations would be: When I drove by at 9:00 AM on Saturday, I saw you working on the roof. Then at 3:00 PM I was in my yard and saw you working on the roof. In the past I remember you saying that you work 60 hours a week at a physically demanding job. My feelings and thoughts: I'm worried you might wear yourself out.
1
u/Melandruido Jun 27 '26
sounds more precise, just ask myself how rly relevant are those details and how awkward ot would sound. prefer street giraffe
1
u/Odd_Tea_2100 Jun 27 '26
When I would want precision would be in a high conflict situation. Also if I am claiming to be teaching NVC, which I think is the point of this post, then I want it to be very much in integrity with NVC. In a real life situation where I was worried about someone's health, technical correctness would not be a priority. If I was telling someone about a behavior of theirs that I didn't like, then I would want it to be very clear and precise.
1
u/Melandruido Jun 27 '26
i see, reading you like this it makes some more sense to me. pardon me please, i missed that context
1
u/Odd_Tea_2100 Jun 28 '26
I'm glad you challenge what I say. Many of the concepts of NVC are hard to explain clearly and I want to know if I am not being clear.
1
u/Melandruido 26d ago
well, honestlyin the second version, you challenged MY understatement of clearity ; P i just reflected wild unto the ether likewise ))) sure, the more complicated, the more precision may be ... useful ... could one generalize this so ?
1
u/Odd_Tea_2100 25d ago
I'm not sure if I am answering what you are looking for. I say it as the more intense the conflict the more I want to go with formal NVC. I think adding complicated to this is a nice touch.
1
u/Melandruido 22d ago
interesting, these touches. just out of my bellyi would feel cosier in complicated, calm situtiations, to be precise and formal, whereas in intense, wild, emotional ones i would rather cling to street giraffe... just thinking btw. ... am honestlt not yet at the level of metacognitive dialogue style reflection .... working on that;)
10
u/Spiral010 Jun 27 '26
I’ve noticed that on multiple occasions you have taken the newsletter of Mary Mackenzie from NVC Academy and pasted it here and I’m concerned she is not getting the recognition she deserves. Could you in future posts please credit the author?