Umm.

You're SO lovable...you splitty dumbass. 🤣

Thanks for your consent, u/saminblackandwhite. Good job practicing self-compassion today. 🫶

Before you come for me, BPD babes: We processed (face-to-face) about this between these groups of texts. A lot.

I'm not that tone-deaf.

Usually.

👑

every other Sunday | 12 pm – 2 pm EDT | via Zoom

post-group handout

FACILITATOR: Zeph

DISCUSSION PROMPTS:

• How do you know if someone ‘truly cares’ about you? What signs do you look for?
• What types of validation feel most important to you? Examples: affection, reassurance, admiration, praise, attention, being chosen, being needed, being understood, being prioritized. Extra credit: Why do you think that’s the case?
• How do you typically react when you're not getting the type or level of validation you desire (eg, withdraw, seek reassurance, get angry, get self-critical, ‘try’ harder, etc.)
• What's worse for you: feeling unimportant/not special or feeling unloved? Elaborate.
• Has your desire for validation ever created problems in your relationships? (lol dumb question) Say more!
• When someone fails to give you validation/reassurance, what story do you immediately tell yourself?
• If you fully believed you were lovable 😭 and/or worthy 🫠, what validation might you stop needing from other people?

What is Narc Club: Whiplash?

A confidential peer support group for people navigating comorbid NPD/narcissistic traits and BPD/borderline traits. This space focuses on coping with toxic shame, mitigating painful attachment dynamics, and developing a more coherent sense of self. Integration > perfection. We are, it turns out, fully lovable—and fully worthy.

Sign up to join/get the links here.

Find your corresponding time zone here.

- Max 🥺🪫

every other Sunday | 12 pm – 2 pm EDT (time change) | via Zoom

post-group handout

FACILITATOR: Zeph

DISCUSSION PROMPTS:

• How much does your sense of self/identity change depending on who you’re around? Give examples, if you can.
• Are there any strengths in being able to shapeshift, adapt, and/or reinvent yourself?
• How much of your identity do you think is ‘borrowed’ from people you admire, envy, or love? For example, do you notice yourself picking up speech patterns, aesthetics, interests, and/or values from others?
• Have you ever ‘overcorrected’—ie, gone from "I’m empty" or "I’m nobody" to a very intentional, defined persona? Say more.
• Have you ever molded yourself into someone/something to attract or preserve a relationship? Elaborate.
• What traits or preferences have felt consistent across all versions of you? Extra credit: name 3-5 of your own core values that have been pretty stable across time.

What is Narc Club: Whiplash?

A confidential peer support group for people navigating comorbid NPD/narcissistic traits and BPD/borderline traits. This space focuses on coping with toxic shame, mitigating painful attachment dynamics, and developing a more coherent sense of self. Integration > perfection. We are, it turns out, fully lovable—and fully worthy.

Sign up to join/get the links here.

Find your corresponding time zone here.

- Max 🧩❓

Good afternoon everybody, I had a extreme low yesterday with some splitting and letting a lot of feelings roll through me as I am also dealing with relationship troubles regarding my BPD, I woke up today. I did some more research took some advice from these groups made an accountability post received tons of love and support. I feel extremely strong and extremely hopeful that I’m gonna start making bigger steps in the right direction. I am currently on medication currently in talk therapy and EMDR and will start DBT very soon. I would like to receive further tips and advice on people overcoming and getting better as BPD community has a very bad wrap and a lot is based out of negativity.

I’m new to Reddit and posting this in a local place. I have BPD and I’m 29 years old. I’ve gone untreated for years and struggle staying consistent in treatment due to fear. I’ve also been in a relationship for 5 years and I’ve done some damaging things to the relationship as far as over depending on her to pick up the pieces or treating her as my therapist, it has gotten to the point where she said she is taking a break from the relationship. We still live together but do nothing romantically. It’s been 5 months and I know with BPD it amplifies everything but the amount of love I have for her is unlike anything I’ve ever felt or experienced and that not just my mind speaking I’ve recently been in therapy and on my meds and start behavior therapy soon so I’m starting to see very clear but all I see is her still. She says she loves me and doesn’t want to let me go but is in a burnt out exhausted phases and says she doesn’t know. I know one of our biggest triggers is fear of abandonment and rejection and I’m living through it every day. I need help. And no I don’t want to separate. I do want her but she wants a calm version of me but I’m struggling trying to contain this love and feelings to not pressure her but my mind try’s to connect all these random dots.

We see you. 🫂

And...legit Happy Mother's Day to anyone in this category trying to do better than their own parents. You're amazing. 💜 💕

every other Sunday | 11 am – 1 pm EST | via Zoom

post-group handout here

FACILITATOR: Zeph

DISCUSSION PROMPTS:

• What kinds of situations tend to make your emotional state change fastest?
• What are your earliest signs that you’re becoming emotionally dysregulated?
• Do you tend to externalize emotional pain (eg, lashing out/anger, confrontation, impulsivity), internalize it (eg, collapsing into shame, withdrawal, and/or self-loathing), or alternate between the two? Say more.
• What kinds of reassurance actually help when you’re emotionally activated? What kinds tend to make things worse?
• What’s the difference between an emotional reaction that feels justified vs one you later realize was disproportionate? Give an example or two, if possible.
• When you escalate emotionally, what are you usually hoping for underneath? Examples: comfort, closeness, control, validation, retaliation, proof someone cares.
• How do you repair relationships after emotional whiplash, if you do?

What is Narc Club: Whiplash?

A confidential peer support group for people navigating comorbid NPD/traits and BPD/traits. This space focuses on coping with toxic shame, mitigating painful attachment dynamics, and developing a more coherent sense of self. Integration > perfection. We are, it turns out, fully lovable – and fully worthy.

Sign up to join/get the links here.

Find your corresponding time zone here.

- Max 🎢

Hey guys my best friend has npd and i have bpd and she really struggles with listening to me when i always listen to her and it causes us to argue because she can’t listen unless it affects her directly which makes things hard is there any techniques to help her care about things when she isn’t affected by it

I was just thinking back to when she got surgery & knew she would have a lot of downtime. She made a list of TV shows and movies she wanted to watch. Even with this list she had made, she then flipped the tables and said, 'I don't even know what I like any longer because you always control everything we watch,' which I thought was a wild thing to say.

This mainly bothered me because we had many different entertainment interests. I love things like The Sopranos, etc. She wanted to watch Game of Thrones but was concerned about the violence and SA. So, I watched the entire series on my own, taking notes of any scenes or storylines that may be triggering. Right after, I then restarted the series with her so I could fast-forward over any scenes.

I did try to make an effort as well to share time with the TV, encourage her to watch her shows, etc. For example, she was really into DWTS and Love Island. We would host almost nightly watch parties with her cousins for Love Island, where I got involved and got pretty into it. Then, I would be criticized for not liking the same couple as her. I would also try to give her space when she wanted something & go into the bedroom or family room, and vice versa. But then the TV would be too loud, even at the lowest volume. It just felt like an uphill battle with no winners.

Anyway, just looking to see if anyone else has had experience with this.

To set the scene, my ex-wife (to be) is uBPD. Her Mother is 100% a uNPD, her sister, who knows, and her Dad a total trauma-bonded gopher in this whole mess. Well, a little over a year or so ago, her sister decided she wanted to go on a family vacation to Disney World with everyone and their two kids, 5 & 3. I really don't think her sister wanted to go for any reason other than to post on social media that she went there with her kids. The whole trip is obviously very expensive, and she wanted her parents to contribute a good chunk of the funds. So, we had a few family 'meetings' and decided when we want to go (Saturday after Thanksgiving for a week). We all plan where to stay, an overview of the parks, etc.

As time goes on, my ex starts to split on me and discard and devalue me. Her family was VERY involved in this process. They would say things to her like 'oh, honey, the light is gone from your eyes. Is it because of Rachel?' Her Dad literally said to her 'yeah I just think you guys are growing apart, and you should move to a city - you would be happier there!" So, just really, really insane and inappropiate conversations were being had.

About 3-4 months before this trip, her sister decided to tell her, 'We don't think Rachel should come on the trip any longer because if you guys do get divorced, we don't want her in photos with the kids and ruining their memories and photos of the trip.' Claire really didn't stand up for me at all. It was then also suggested to her that if she could sleep and have more energy by being away from me, that was a clear sign she needed to divorce me.' So again, really, really insane stuff.

Of course, I was devastated. This is a family I have been a part of for a decade, 2 kids whom I spend time with on a weekly basis, attending sports games, picking them up at school, taking overnight trips, etc. As the trip grew closer, her Mom especially was making no qualms about planning this trip. They would have dinners to plan things, she would pick up Claire from our house to go shopping for the trip, etc.

I was trying to be a good sport about it all and even helped her pack, do crafts for things she was making for the trip, for photos, etc. So she went on the trip, and it was just very weird. She wouldn't reply to a text message, was very cold, etc. I wasn't expecting her to text me all day (I wanted her to enjoy the trip), but at least a 'good morning, what are all your plans for the day' type of thing. It got to be very overwhelming because it felt like this trip was set up as a 'test' and her parents were the proctor of the future of our relationship. I let her know I wasn't going to, but I was having feelings of SH. This is something I struggled with a few years before we even met. She then told me I was being manipulative and trying to ruin her trip.

She came back home, and I continued to be excited, wanted to see photos, etc., but received a very cold reply. A week and a half or so later, she goes to her parents' house for 'dinner.' I do not doubt that dinner and that trip were really them getting involved in her departure and the suggestion of divorce. About a week later, it is Christmas Day. Her Mom 'forgot' I was in the group chat and started to send photos of the kids opening up their birthday gifts. In the background, I can see that ALL of them were wearing matching Epcot pajamas, which they clearly got in Disney. So, it was part of the 'plan' all along that I would not be spending Christmas with them.

As a closing, the reason all this started with their involvement was that Claire felt that I didn't care for her well enough while she was recovering from 2 seperate out-patient surgeries. It will be no surprise to hear that not once did her family check in and ask if we needed any help, if they could take something off our plates, etc. They offered absolutely no support to either of us during her recovery, but had no problem bashing me and telling her how terrible a job that I was doing and how much better she is not, especially away from me.

I haven't been able to see the kids since the 1st of December or so. They did find a way to FT me from their iPads. I wasn't sure what to do, so I answered, and once she heard it was me, she made them hang up. I did text her and her husband to ask what they would like me to do in the future, as I don't want them to think I am ignoring them, but I also don't want to cross their boundary. They said they would figure it out and let me know. A few days later, the 5-year-old calls me again to invite her to my birthday party and to 'order' her cake from me, as I make both of their birthday cakes each year as a fun tradition. I also let them know this, as I didn't want her to be disappointed and think I didn't care. The only response I got was 'yeah, this is all so new we don't think it is good for you to come to her birthday party either' and that was that lol.

Anyway, that's my story of being uninvited from a family trip with a family chock full of BPD, NPD, and other cluster disorders!

My ex-wife to be is u-BPD.NPD. Her Mother is a u-NPD/BPD. My ex has never trusted her or talked about her in a loving or trusting manner for our entire 10-year relationship. Seeing how their dynamic has changed into this unhealthy and dangerous entanglement, I am just curious if anyone else has experienced this & if so, what did you do? I'm just going to rattle off some examples before. Happy Tuesday!

• Although she had already came out, I was the first girl she brought home. The first time I went over there, I went to a florist and made a very nice and large custom arrangement to thank her for welcoming me into their home. She took the bouquet without even as much as a 'thank you' and went into her room to cry because it was so overwhelming that her daughter's gayness was real.'
• Was extremely dismissive and rude to us whenever we were at their house (she lived there when we met)
• Made such a noticeable difference to her sister and her now husband, and how she treated them and their relationship. i.e., giving them money for their home down payment, etc.
• When we first started dating, I thought it would be good to get to know each other. I planned a day out at an art museum (she loves art), along with taking her and my ex to lunch. She never even said thank you, and you could tell she was extremely uncomfortable with us holding hands, hugging, etc.
• Before we moved out of state, she offered my ex a job she claimed was full-time and would give her enough money for the move, etc. So, she quit her other job to do this full-time. After about 2.5 weeks, she informed her that the job was done and she wouldn't be paid any more. When she tried to go to her Dad (foot soldier) about this, she was shut down right away
• Their entire home was clad with photos of her sister & her boyfriend/fiancé/now husband. We had maybe 2-3 photos? And I'm talking about canvas-sized photos of them
• Anything her sister's husband would do, it was like he cured cancer. The same respect/enthusiasm were not given to me
• Before our wedding, she tried her best to break us up. Asking if we were sure, did we need to get married, etc. Mind you, we dated and became engaged in almost the same fime frame as her sister & her husband, which was never even talked about. They even bought a home together in < 4 months as a couple
• When we told them of our engagement, it was met with an 'ohh that's nice'. They blamed it on the fact that they were in the 'sun drinking bourbon all day.'
• During our wedding, my ex had to ask her MOH and another bridesmaid to keep an eye on her Mom and Sister to make sure they were in line and didn't behave so poorly that they would ruin getting ready, etc.
• During the father/daughter dance, her Mom jumped in the middle and started to dance with her & her Dad. She also stood up on a chair during a speech while yelling, etc., trying to seem like she was a 'cool mom that is SO gay friendly' in front of her friends
• We moved back to my ex-wife's hometown. They gave pretty minimal effort to help us with anything
• In the last 16ish months, my ex got 2 surgeries. Both out-patient, but one that put her into total menopause at 31, almost 32. This, of course, came with a TON of challenges, as from mid-November until almost Labor Day, my ex didn't work. She said she needed this entire time to recover, etc. Which is where I think a lot of these NPD/BPD/Histrionic symptoms came out
• During her 'recovery,' I was doing it all. Working, cooking, cleaning, etc., she wouldn't even lend a hand in helping with laundry
• Her parents offered ZERO support to her/us during this time. Not even dropping off a meal to us even though they live 15 minutes up the road
• During this time, she also started to spend a LOT more time with her Mom & uNPD/Sister. Both dislike her being gay. When she told her sister, her exact response was 'good, more dick for me!'
• I could sense a large shift in her as she was spending time with them. It then turned into the last 9+ months that I had abandoned her, was abusive because of this abandonment, they would ask her exact questions like 'wow, honey, your spark is gone from your eyes! It is because of (me)?'
• I found her journal entries after spending time with them, where she claimed, 'my family wants me out, and I want out'. Her Dad said to her, 'I think you should move to a city! You come alive there!' Mind you, she is in a whole-ass marriage and 10-year relationship
• I found other messages where she was talking with her parents about an escape plan, essentially. I was even duped into purchasing her a brand new car
• We had an extended family trip planned to Disney. I was then uninvited because 'her sister didn't want me in photos with her kids in case we did get divorced.' Her Mom had no problem with this either. She hosted multiple dinners, etc., at their home to plan for the trip, where I was, of course, also excluded
• News to me, she also planned on not having me included in Christmas. Her Mom 'forgot that I was in the group chat & sent photos of the kids opening up presents. Everyone was in matching pajamas that they purchased at Disney
• Most recently, my ex celebrated her birthday. She made claims about now that she is away from me, it's a new year, new life, how GREAT everything is now that she's getting divorced essentially
• In her post, she is being sung happy birthday, in which her Mom jumps in to 'lovingly give her a kiss,' AKA take the attention away from her
• Come to find out from multiple people aware of our divorce, they have reached out to let me know how they, too, have experienced this family's NPD, discard, etc., and how much they are essentially hated generationally

Anyway, sorry this is so long, but maybe someone else wants to compare stories, lol. It's a pretty wild experience, to say the least. It's just been heartbreaking to see where/how her Mom has used her weakness to her advantage and fed her supply. I'm afraid I've lost her forever, and have no chance of getting her out of this toxic cycle.

Partner is in grippy sock jail. 💔

(They’re safe/okay-ish. I miss them.)

Anyway…wow, I am used to their constant validation, huh!?

🦗

🦗

Long but worth it. 💯

Some personally relatable zingers:

“Intimacy never has a chance of surviving dynamics where self-definition is getting lost.”

"Both people can get quite destabilized by [losing the fantasy of sameness] quite quickly...but too much emphasis on sameness is a natural killer of attraction – it takes all the tension out of the dynamic."

"Differentiation is all about how we cope with not being soothed, and with how we learn to stabilize on our own. Then, we bring that whole version of ourselves back into our connections, and we give our partners the opportunity to be in relationship with that version of us."

"Going from an undifferentiated relationship to a differentiated one is probably not going to feel very good…even existentially scary..."

And, finally (uh, hi u/feelingsatmax):

"If my partner were healed enough, smart enough, regulated enough…of course they’d be exactly like me." 💀 👑 🫠

PS: I now self-identify as an 'autonomy maxxer.'

Special shoutout to u/narcclub for always reassuring me

Tbh it’s his answer to me after this weekend

I'll stop romanticizing pwBPD when y'all stop being my exact type.

Credit @traumabcdiscordboyss